I can't even begin to explain what I feel like.  Every morning I wake up and want to throw up; sometimes I do.  My stomach is in knots all the time and I just keep telling myself I will work it all out but sometimes I really just don't know if that is really going to happen or not.  I am looking into single room apartments and jobs in Texas.  I can't afford the single room apartments but maybe if I find a job close to where Carey gets a job I can just go live with him.  I would have to leave all the animals behind then but none of them really like me anyway.  They will have to be left here with Kellyn, like so much more of me that she has that I will never get back.

When I asked her to marry me I knew she was the only person for me; how do you not feel that way anymore?  How can I make myself feel relieved, happy, or even ok that we broke up?  And more so, ok that everyday that passes makes the break up more permanent.  The more I go to counseling and get the rest of my life in order the harder this break up becomes and that was not something I anticipated with all of this.  Our room has become her room, our bed has become her bed, ours in general has become hers and I am not even sure how.  She can have it all to be honest, she already ran away with me heart.