emotions are welling up in me.....as they do every other day or so.......i try so hard to be strong.
and it lasts a few days.....at most.
and i am genuinely strong...it's not just an act.
but the emotion is there....all the difficulties from every day.
all the major events and confusion and daily chaos that never leaves.
the things i want and can't have right now.
my kids, my guy
the things i miss
my kids, my guy and the way things were
the things i've lost
my health, my kids, my guy, my innocence.
the chaos that always comes.
clear headed thinking gone out the window.
the paralysis
deer in the headlights effect at the worst times......right when i have important things to do for the case.
it all gets to me.......and then i just want ot cry. cause crying feels good.
i'm happy that crying feels good.
crying feels like it used to.
crying got to the point before that it wouldn't even touch the bitter hurt inside and i'd be frantic trying to find a way to relieve the emotional pressure.
i very nearly started cutting myself.....but i didn't.
i knew i'd become addicted to it after the first time........that drop of blood
to replace the tears that used to help
the hurting was too much for the tears to help anymore.
i'm just glad i got better before i started doing that....or i never would have stopped.
it was so tempting.....even to the point of starting. but i stayed strong. i am strong.
sometimes though i feel like giving in.
and now....it's a release...and i feel better as i should. crying that is.
now why can't i cry? i'd feel so much better and relaxed.
maybe a hot bath instead.
Fallyn posted on Nov 27, 2007
| views: 714
Comments
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silverwhisper said on Nov 27, 2007....
[hug] -
Fallyn said on Nov 27, 2007....
thanks ed. *grin* .....i'm doing better than it sounds. -
Mamie said on Nov 27, 2007....
oh definitely don't start cutting and I guess ya just can't sit there and will the tears to come out (I have tried that)...so maybe if you want to mainfest some good and powerful things...
sit with God and in prayer ask for what you want. PICTURE it clearly and be really specific in the detail of how you want it to go down...then trust the universe to deliver it in exactly that way and voila! I am serious!! Start picturing the good, today this minute!! Picture your kids running thru the doors, and you guys laughing and rolling onto the floor about some goofy something...
please do not start cutting...the ex will def. find out and hold it against you....good luck, sweetie pie!
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Fallyn said on Nov 27, 2007....
mamie...nope...i'm well past that stage of my life....and my catalyst for pain and hurt isn't around anymore and i'm not going to find a new one......chapter closed.
i will NEVER be in that position again. i won't let myself.
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Mamie said on Nov 27, 2007....
yay you!! I am so glad! Have a wonderful, fun day!! mamie -
Fallyn said on Nov 27, 2007....
thankyou!!!! *HUGS*! -
karta.devera said on Nov 27, 2007....
@Fallyn, yes what mamie said.
Have you tried music.When I, for whatever reason, can't cry or shout or throw stuff around, lol, I find an appropriate song to cry/shout/"knock things over" for me.
Worth a try, right?
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travelr712 said on Nov 27, 2007....
you know i'm always there for you, whenever you need me. -
Fallyn said on Nov 27, 2007....
*laughing* karta....that could work...except it was in the middle of the night.
thankyou trav. *HUGS*
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pickersplock said on Nov 27, 2007....
I'm here too! -
husbandhater said on Nov 27, 2007....
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} Let it out Fal,Let it out. God Bless you sweety. -
skald said on Nov 27, 2007....
(((((((((Hugs)))))))) I am glad that you did not cut your self But cry that is good for you. You said you could not but I am sue you can. Love. -
Fallyn said on Nov 27, 2007....
i'm not sure whether to laugh or cry right now...i've been awfully teary and sad today.
and you guys tend to make me feel better. i hate feeling like all i ever do is complain.
but it's just too much to sweep under the carpet and not be sad about right now.
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justxinxtime said on Nov 27, 2007....
A person might try the study of comedy there is lots on lime wire! I hope that was Ok to say. Good luck depression or sorrow can take such a tole on ones health. The study of cognitive therapy and exercise works great. self control and self satisfaction -
Fallyn said on Nov 27, 2007....
thankyou just *HUGS* -
crybabylu said on Nov 27, 2007....
I truly wish you had a stronger support system within your family. That is what did it for me. My brother, has always been my "rock". When I would get to far out on a limb, he would throw me a lifeline. Till finally, I was fully anchored, and didn't wander off in a world of hurt and pain.....I wish we could be there for you in a greater way than just sending you our hugs. but I guess that is all we can really do, huh?....{{{{hugs}}}}...lol, dee -
lfbno7 said on Nov 27, 2007....
Damn. Things sure suck for you. -
amyispretty said on Nov 27, 2007....
I'm so sorry. I know how it is to feel hurt like that, although I never cut. I know a lot of people have and do. But when it feels good to cry, it's a good, healing sign. Hope you are ok. -
Sunshine_Mariah said on Nov 27, 2007....
I know just how you feel, and it's scary. Don't give in to the temptation! I wouldn't let myself because I also knew I'd likely become addicted. You are stronger than that...stay strong. You have the support here of everyone, and of me. Whenever you need to talk or ask anything...just give me a message. We've experienced similar things and I want to help you get through this in any way that I can. I know we don't know each other offline, but I am here for you. Chin up, and put a smile on. *hugs* -
Fallyn said on Nov 27, 2007....
dee, yup...that's really all. i'm just glad i can smile and laugh again......all is not lost.
iffy...*laughing* pretty much....
amy it is good when crying is good. ......when crying quits helping.....when there just are no more tears to shed and it still hurts....that's when to be very very scared.
sunshine. i love your name.
it is scary....but chin up..and smiling. *HUGS* .....
some days are just harder than others.
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Sunshine_Mariah said on Nov 27, 2007....
You love "sunshine", hehe...or Mariah...as in Mariah Carey the famous singer! *wink* That's me of course! LOL -
Lioness said on Nov 27, 2007....
Let those emotions drain along with the tears Fallyn, I agree, it does wonders. :D
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wantingmore said on Nov 27, 2007....
Fallyn...I know the kind of hurt that hurts so deep, it's overwhelming. I'm glad you're past the other stage...you ARE strong and you've grown and gotten stronger through it all. Hugs...and I'm here for you too. You have many friends here at SC! We're all pulling for you. -
Fallyn said on Nov 27, 2007....
sunshine mariah. *laughing* well...i was talking about the sunshine part.......it's so nice to see on a bleak day like this....we are down to 8 hours of daylight now, by winter solstice we will be down to 7.
lioness.....it does. power tools help too. *grin*
wanting......no one should ever have to feel that way.....but the upside....i don't think i'd be able to recognize the little slivers of happiness that come my way if i hadn't been in that deep down hurt.......
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wakingharmony said on Nov 27, 2007....
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fallyn}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}DON'T YOU DARE CUT! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone goes through pain and deal with it in different ways. When Angela was 13 & 14 I was very very sick. FIbro, Heartattack, In the hospital all the time so sick ...my baby girl silently hurting Silently Cutting...... She IS better now and doing good. I am a mom and know how much that hurts......I know you do not want to inflict that pain on your girls. I also know you would be devistated to find your girls doing this..... Don't start a cycle. Quit while you are ahead and NO your children would not be better off with out you.....theyt will only think you didnt caare eneough about them to stay around......Sorry no i am not you opened a old wound and I have to tell you like it is. Lots of love Im here ok! -
Fallyn said on Nov 27, 2007....
waking....no.....i'm not in that place anymore. ......crying feels good.....it's been 3 years since i felt that numb and hurt.
it scares me how much things hurt sometimes. ......but no. i won't go there. i promised to many people i wouldn't. and i'm better, i am better.
it's addicting, i won't risk it.
and crying helps.....it didn't used to. but it does. and my life will never be ruled by those feelings or that man....or anyone like him....every again.
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lfbno7 said on Nov 27, 2007....
I heard about a young teenage girl, very intelligent, very quiet, always seems awkward, very hard to talk to, but a sweet girl, and she cuts her arms. She's very pretty and does great in school. She has a boyfriend who has several girlfriends at once, and she dumps him now and again. The main thing I notice about her is that she seems so far away, so impossible to just reach. She seems like there's always some kind of heavy awkwardness and distance separating her from others. To look at her, it would seem that she should be the happiest girl in the world because she really is pretty and smart. When you are with her you just sense that distance. She seems so into her own head, and not comfortable with living in this world. She writes sad songs. -
Fallyn said on Nov 28, 2007....
iffy.....borderline. ....that's very very descriptive of borderline. -
queenparanoia said on Nov 28, 2007....
fallyn... {{{HUGS}}} dont hurt yourself... just blog it out.... -
Fallyn said on Nov 28, 2007....
queenie...no, i will not hurt myself. *HUGS* -
justxinxtime said on Nov 28, 2007....
Thanks for the hug it really made my day, like wise JC -
wakingharmony said on Nov 28, 2007....
{{{fallyn}}}
Lennie Can you believe that once was my Angela...seems so long and is so far behind her now well 4 yrs...yet I had no idea....made me feel so bad as a mom. but she said it wasnt me...it was other things in her life confusion. luckly we got help b4 it got too out of hand ...but the worry is always there... If she is upset...and stressed I worry..... I always will. She is to important in this world...she will make the difference...she already does.
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lfbno7 said on Nov 28, 2007....
I think at Angela's age it has a lot to do with hormones or other chemicals. At that age you can blame a lot on hormones, because they were just children, and now the chemicals have gone mad. -
Fallyn said on Nov 28, 2007....
just, your welcome. *grin*
waking......it is really hard. and though my mom had issues ...it's not her...and it definitely wasn't at that time either.
iffy......there are a lot of different factors.
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