I'm shaking. I feel so sick, I just want to disappear into my bed for a month. I let myself get sucked back in. We were having an amazing time for about 2 1/2 weeks. Then you were suddenly out of a job, unexpectedly, and you cut and run. I didn't have time to prepare. I thought there was another three weeks of you, at least. As you're telling me I am the one, you love me and you know we're meant to be, you're moving away from me, about as far in this country as you can be from me. You promised you would be at the airport when I went home for Christmas, to come with me. I actually believed you. We're talking about 'us' and you are saying that long-distance doesn't work, but that if we still feel this way in a year or so, we can try again, when we're both free to move wherever. But you are free, now. You just gave up. And what? I'm supposed to wait for a 'maybe' with you in a year's time? Then I talk to you yesterday and in a few short 10 hours you've suddenly changed your mind again, as you always do. You reel me in, then clog me over the head and leave me shut down and alone. Suddenly you're not coming for Christmas because 'it wasn't a serious promise' and not only that, but we should really not see each other for a long while. Right. But you love me? But you know we're meant to be? You say that it doesn't matter how long we go without seeing each other, because it will end up right in the end. This is true, just not in the way you say. Right in the end is completely cut off from you because this is ridiculous and my heart can't fucking take it anymore! How can you do the back and forth, knowing that you are slowly killing me? My flatmates saw me yesterday and thought I should go to the hospital. I look that bad. I'm an absolute wreck...again. And now my essay is late because I spent your last few days in this town with you, rather than doing my really important work. And I have less than three weeks to write a dissertation. And I know there is no way....

Shaking and sick I phoned you late last night. I said not to worry about Christmas (you were still being wishy-washy about it), that it was a bad idea. I also said that I want no more contact at all with you. Even as I write it, I feel panicky. I don't know who I am without you. I don't know who I am without all the drama and time and energy that has gone into dealing with how you are and how you've treated me. I know in my heart this will be better, and you weren't giving me any options. You didn't want to be with me, but still be texting and phoning. I can't do that. The constant wondering about what you're doing, are you sleeping with someone or dating and not telling me? Do you really love me? Can I believe anything you say to me? Argh! I can't believe I fell back in when I was getting so close to being ready to let you go. And I honestly didn't think you could hurt me anymore. But I was so wrong, as I have been about everything with you. You're a survivor--you cling to me when you need me, and cast me aside when you either have someone else to hold onto or can stand on your own. And as much as in my heart I really want to, I can't be there for you anymore. Everyone kept saying to just cut it off and die a quicker death because the dragging out is so much more painful. I knew that was true then, and I know it now. Just wish it didn't take me so long to come around to actually doing it. Even now, thinking about the follow-through of not speaking to you.....oh my God. That's going to take all of my strength.

"Though I'm gonna live without you, it's gonna hurt when it heals too. Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to. Now there's no more you and me, I'm gonna let you go so I can be free."

 

I just hope that after all of this, there's some of me left, hiding somewhere. x