Ahh, Uncencored blogging. I always wondered what would happen if I could write uncensoredly, and now I can. so what to blog about?
I hit pubery young. I'm a fully grown man now. It was kinda scary, when 'gay' is the biggest insult you can offer to someone, and you're sexually confused.
To be honest, I was kinda sheltered from everything sexually until I reached 14 and discoverd drink, drugs and women, so I didn't really know what gay sex was, or for that matter what hetro sex was.
I guess I was about 11 when I started to think I was gay. At 13 I stole pornography from shops to be cool, and realised I liked women, maybe thinking I was bi for a while - still a big social taboo for a young teenager.
I mince. I always have done I always will. But then it was a death sentance. I used to tell my mates I hated gays, queers, homos, fags - but lesbians rock, "check out this porno I stole *high five*" - just to hide I guess.
I was gay/bi/whatever for a few years, as a virgin. I was also a little bit racist and quite homophobic. Actually that's wrong, I was unacceptably racist. Even statements like 'immigrants take all the benefits' fill me with horror, I should have hung myself - anyway, I'm getting side tracked.
I worked for a hotel, as a homophobic-homosexual. It was in a massive gay district. Gays used the rooms, I was exposed to a reasonable amount of gay porn. Socialising in the area meant I was socialising with gays, bis, lesbians, transvestities, transexuals, prostitutes the fucking works.
Looking back I could have gone two ways. I could have embraced gay culture and been gay, or become more of a faschist. In fact I realised I wasn't gay or bi, but I liked the company of gays, lesbians and people who are generally alternative; always chilled out and contempary.
I realised at this time I wasn't actually gay or bi. Always people would act extremely desgusted at anything where anything less would lead people to believe they ARE gay; and these things (seeing a naked man, accidentally touching someone's bum, whatever) do NOT make me totally disgusted nor do they give me any sort of arousal made me confused. I could have gay sex if I wanted to, but men don't turn me on. It would like being with an unnatractive woman for me (which I might add, is socially exceptable) - Basically though not being an over-macho wanker I came to the conclusion that I must be gay, immersed myself in gay culture WITHOUT actually having any sexual contact with a male, then though hanging around with gays claiming to be hetrosexual.
I realsed that being a homophobe to cover up my insecurities is wrong, and I was straight.
So in short, I am now a secure hetrosexual, and I think I'm a more acceptant and deep person (I even am learning to tolerate intolerant people!) because of it.
I've told my gay friends all of this, they say I don't sound gay, just like I was a little confused/curious. I've never told my straight friends, some of them are still quite homophobic themselvs.
I wonder if they'll ever get the guts to come out and be straight.....
