I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We sure did. It was interesting, at least. We spent a few hours with Natalie’s family first, and then we headed over to my parents house. We wanted to try and fit everyone in. My family usually has dinner around 5pm so the plan was to hang out at her sisters house before dinner, and then go eat. Wendy is always the host, and both of their parents supposedly put aside their differences so they can celebrate the occasion with their daughters. And I was warned ahead of time that the entire experience was probably going to be terrible.
Natalie said that everyone always fights and it’s always really stressful. I figured she was exaggerating though. How bad could it be? Turns out it could be a little bit bad. But I had high hopes going into it. We arrived at Wendy’s house around noon. And Natalie’s mom came running out of the house as soon as we pulled up. I guess she was watching out the window or something. But remember that hot mom we ran into at the restaurant? That’s kind of how Natalie’s mom was dressed too. It had been awhile since I’d seen her and since this was a special occasion, she was wearing a dress. A really revealing dress. And there was quite a lot of jumping up and down in excitement because we were there.
It was sight to see. But Natalie didn’t enjoy it very much. She gets very embarrassed by her mom and the way she dresses and just pretty much everything she does and says. But we got out of the car, and we were immediately assaulted with hugs, which was okay. But then her mom grabs my face, tells me I’m so cute, and she kisses me. On the mouth. Now, there must be a God up there because she did not use tongue. But there was definite wet lip contact going on. This was not a motherly kiss. Basically, if my mother kissed me like this, I’d need therapy for the rest of my life. And then she said that if things didn’t work out with me and Natalie, I should call her sometime.
She was kidding, of course. I think. She was laughing. But I get the feeling that if I called her up and asked her out, she wouldn’t say no. And this fact made Natalie’s soul die slightly. And she informed me that her mother must have already been hitting the spiked eggnog. The day was already out of control and we’d just gotten there. I tried to discreetly wipe my mouth off and I was ready to get inside. I was hoping Natalie’s dad would be in there because then we could hang out or something. At least he wouldn’t try to kiss me. But he wasn’t there yet, so it was just Wendy and Brad and their two kids.
Wendy and I have met before, but not for any real length of time. But she hugged me (and did not kiss me, thankfully) and told me I looked good. And she started rubbing my sweater and asking me if it was cashmere. Yes, it was actually. I guess she liked that, because she wouldn’t stop touching it until Natalie grabbed her hand away and said I wasn’t a cat. Why the hell was she petting me? I think all the women in this family are incredibly horny. Which is wonderful, I suppose. At least for me when it comes to Natalie. But I wasn’t really prepared to be the object of everyone’s wayward lust. Am I the only man that’s ventured into this family recently? Actually, I guess I am. Natalie said she’d never brought anyone else around really, so I’m it.
And there really was no escape for me either. The women all went into the kitchen and I was left there with Brad. Alone. And I really hate that guy, if you’ll remember. I finally got him to stop calling me and texting me every five seconds, and now I feared the cycle would start all over again. I sat down on the couch and the next thing I knew, he was practically right on top of me. He wasn’t honoring the man code of space at all. If two guys sit on a couch together, one of them sits on one end, and the other sits as far away as possible on the other end. That’s how it’s done. He was literally right next to me. Our legs were touching. And there was just no need for this to happen at all. There was no one else on the couch!
Then he leaned over and asked me who I liked in the football game. Truthfully, I’m not a big fan, so I had no idea, but I said the Packers. He called me a cheese head and said I should be happy because they were doing pretty well. Yeah, I guess. I didn’t really care. And then he started in again about how cute Natalie looked and how pretty she was. It made me really uncomfortable, so I pointed out to him that Wendy was really pretty too. I was simply trying to remind him that he had a wife already and couldn’t borrow my girl. But he looks at me and asks, “you like my wife or something?” Yikes. No. I barely even know her. I was just making conversation!
He just nodded his head and then he touched my sweater and said it was soft. What the fuck was going on here? Why’d I wear cashmere? I had no idea it was some sort of aphrodisiac, but it must have been. And before I had a chance to die, Natalie walked out of the kitchen with a soda for me to drink. Thank you! So I jumped up off the couch and took it from her and I asked her if she wanted to sit and pretend to watch the game with me. I tried imploring her with my eyes, but she said she had to help Wendy with something. She’d be back out soon. And then she left me. Damn. But this time, I decided to sit down in a chair across the room. That was safer.
But Brad asked me if I could even see the TV all the way over there. I shrugged and said it was actually easier for me to see it because I was far sighted. Which isn’t actually true. Then he told me I needed to have Nat’s dad look at my eyes because I might need glasses. Then he comes over with a tray of vegetables and offers me some. I grabbed some carrots and I assumed he’d put the tray back down and go back to the couch. But he set it on the coffee table, and proceeded to sit on the arm of my chair like a freak. I had to move my hand really fast to avoid touching ass. Why me, God? Why?
At this point, Natalie’s mom came out of kitchen and she told me that she liked my car. She really liked the leather seats because they were soft like laying on top of a baby cow. That made me laugh and I asked her how many baby cows she’s laid on before. She smacked my arm and said I was silly and she clarified that she meant leather seats were soft and luxurious. Like riding around town on a hot guy with leather pants. I just gave her a look and she told me not to even dare ask her how many men in leather pants she’d ridden. I held up my hands and said I’d really rather not know anyway. She laughed and told me, “the answer is not enough, that’s for sure!” Her mom is insane, but I like her anyway. She’s funny.
Then the doorbell rang. Natalie’s mom got excited and said it was probably Vince. I had no idea who the hell Vince was, but apparently she’d invited a date. I had no idea. But when she opened the door, it wasn’t this mysterious Vince person. It was Natalie’s dad. And he brought a date too. Only the date was about my age and she looked like a porn star. I was speechless and so was Natalie’s mom. I don’t think any of us knew what to say. And at that moment, Wendy and Natalie came out of the kitchen and I think they both died instantly. I heard Wendy say, “oh my shit…Dad brought a hooker to Thanksgiving.” And this was when I knew the afternoon was going to get really good.
Once all the chaos died down about Kiki (yes that was her name) Wendy disappeared into the kitchen again for awhile. And when she came back out, she looked stoned. She was just sort of standing there with a glazed look in her eyes and I had to ask Nat if they had a bong in there. What was up with her sister? Natalie rolled her eyes and said it wasn’t pot but Valium. Her sister couldn’t handle the pressure and now she was medicated. And this is when I knew the afternoon was going to get even better.
Wendy clapped her hands and told everyone to shut up and listen to her. And then she said that since Nat and I were not staying for dinner, she wanted us to sit down and eat this pumpkin soup she’d slaved over all morning. Everyone grumbled and the kids said it sounded nasty and no one went to sit down. I felt really bad for her. No one was listening to a word she said. So she got really upset and told everyone to sit their asses down and pretend to be a normal family. And they better eat her fucking soup because she got the recipe from Martha Stewart.
We were all suitably chastised and we sat down at the table. The kids didn’t seem phased by the four letter word outburst, so I guess it’s not the first time. And by everyone’s place setting was a pilgrim hat or some Indian feathers. The kids put theirs on their heads and they told us we had to do it too. I didn’t want to. And no one else was doing it. But then Wendy came out with the soup and plunked it down on the table and told us to put on the festive hats or else. Still no one did it. Except Natalie. And I asked her if I really had to put a pilgrim hat on my head, and she said no. I had a choice. I could either wear the hat or the soup. Because Wendy looked like she was about to start flinging the soup at the insubordinates who dared defy her. So I chose the hat.
Then Wendy and Brad got into an argument about the choice of music he turned on. She wanted holiday music and he had it on some sort of top 40 dance station. She said that music wasn’t appropriate because it wasn’t Thanksgiving like. And then they argued that Christmas music wasn’t Thanksgiving like either, and there are no Thanksgiving songs. I offered up that Adam Sandler had a Thanksgiving song, and Wendy asked me if I’d like to sing it. Not really. So then she begged Brad to change the station to something that didn’t require strobe lights and Ecstasy to enjoy.
The whole argument amused me and I was trying not to laugh. But Wendy waved her soup ladle at me and asked me if I’d like to share what was so funny. I felt like I was in school again. But I told her I was just smiling because I loved Thanksgiving so much. That satisfied her and I got my soup. Not that I really wanted it. I wasn’t sure how it would taste. It wasn’t too bad though. Not something I’d want seconds of, but I could choke it down. And I told Wendy it was really good. Kiki chimed in and said it was delicious too. But no one else said anything. This didn’t sit well and Wendy asked if anyone besides me and the hooker liked her soup.
Some slight mayhem erupted over that statement and Natalie’s dad was furious and told Wendy she was being rude and obnoxious. But Natalie’s mom pointed out that Kiki was certainly dressed like a hooker, so it was an easy assumption to make. Wendy laughed and said, “right Mom, because your outfit is so wholesome…” Total burn. But she was kind of right. And then everyone was arguing while Wendy’s son kept asking what a hooker was.
I know that Natalie was ready to cry, but I was seriously amused by all this. Maybe that’s warped but the whole thing was just funny to me. Ridiculously funny. But I knew I wanted to stay out of it, so I just sat there and ate my soup. At least until Wendy stood up and commanded everyone to shut the hell up. There was no fighting allowed at Thanksgiving. And she didn’t want to hear another word out of anyone’s mouth unless it was to say how good the soup was, or tell everyone what they were thankful for.
Then she told Natalie that she could go first. She was put on the spot so she just told her the soup was good. After all, Wendy didn’t specify which statement she had to make. But that’s not what she wanted to hear. She wanted to hear what she was thankful for. Natalie didn’t seem to know what to say, so Wendy spoke for her. She smooshed the two of us together and said she bet that we were super thankful that we met and fell in love. Good answer. That was definitely something to be thankful for.
Then Wendy announced she’d be thankful too if she was getting sex more than once a month. At this point, I had to laugh. It was unavoidable. But Ted stood up and told Wendy to control herself and be quiet. What the hell was wrong with her? There were kids at the table. And him. He didn’t want to hear this shit either. And then we were saved by the bell when Marie’s date arrived. Vince. And luckily he seemed like a normal sort of man and was of a more acceptable age than Ted’s date. I felt sorry for him for walking into this mess because he had to stay for dinner too. We were lucky because we were leaving soon.
And soon turned out to be sooner than planned because Natalie just wanted to get the hell out. She’d had enough. And she really wondered if I wanted to marry into this family. It was beyond dysfunctional and crazy. But it didn’t bother me any. I felt bad for her, but I was okay. It does amaze me sometimes that Nat turned out so differently from the rest of them. She’s nothing at all like them. She’s like the black sheep of the family. But I certainly don’t hold her crazy family against her. If anything, it makes me love her more because she’s clearly an individual. She could have been like them, but she’s not. She’s true to herself. And I find that really appealing.
This story is way too long so I will stop it now. We haven’t even gotten to my parents house yet. But trust me, this was the more entertaining story. Not that there weren’t some good moments at our Thanksgiving celebration too. But they’ll just have to wait until later to tell.
-evil_twin LA
