Usually I use this blog to tell funny stories or anecdotes from my life. I try to always keep things really light because I don't ever like to bring people down with something I say. But every once in awhile, there are things on my mind that aren't funny or lighthearted. And for some reason, tonight is one of those nights.
Actually, I know the reason. It's not a freak occurrence. It was this same time of year, 22 years ago, when I lost one of my best friends. I was only 6 years old and he was 8, and he lived next door to us. Even though I was younger and he was the same age as my brother, he and I always got along better than they did. We would often play together from morning until night during the summer time. I never even wanted to stop playing in order to eat. You know how kids are.
But he shared my love of all things Star Wars and Superman and pretending we were heroes was our favorite game. We used to rescue his cat, even though she wasn't in trouble. But we'd pretend she was going to get hurt and we'd run up and grab her and pretend to fly off with her like Superman. And all of the lightsaber duels we had, I'll never forget. Especially the time he accidentally hit me in the face and busted my lip open.
We were still pals though. It was an accident. And I think he felt worse about it than I did. He was a gentle soul and to most people, especially adults, he was very quiet. But not with me. We talked for hours, but I have no idea about what. What do kids that age even talk about? But I know it was important, whatever it was.
And then came the cold November afternoon 22 years ago when we were playing at my house. We were never allowed to go in the backyard by the pool. My friend couldn't swim. And I knew that. And he sure as hell knew that. He was afraid of water, which was why he never learned to swim. It scared him.
But for reasons I can't remember, we unlocked the pool fence and went in there. I wanted to get a special toy that I'd left somewhere by the pool. It was a foam rubber truck that we would use in the water because it floated. I don't know why I wanted to play with that just then. But I broke the rules just so we could get it.
I don't really remember what happened next because it's a little blurry. But I know the truck fell in the pool. And it was floating on the surface in the deep end. The next thing I knew, he'd bent over to pick it up but it was too far out. He lost his footing and fell in. I knew instantly that we were in big trouble. My mom was going to be so mad at us for going by the pool. We weren't allowed. And I did it anyway. And now he was in the pool.
But I also knew there was a bigger problem, because he didn't know how to swim. At all. He sort of sunk to the bottom almost immediately and I jumped in after him. It was unusually cold, so the pool was freezing. And I was wearing a jacket too. So was he. So he was even heavier than he would have been because of all the water soaking into his jacket.
I tried to save him though. I dove under the water and I pulled him up and I swam all the way to the shallow end, dragging him along behind me. I tried to keep his head above the water, but I don't know if I did. I was too panicked to pay attention to that. I just knew I couldn't let him go. But he was so heavy and it was so cold, it felt like it took me forever to reach the steps.
But I did, and I dragged him out onto the pavement and he wasn't moving. He was just laying there. And I guess this is the point when my mom looked out the window and saw us, because suddenly she was there. And she was screaming and freaking out and calling an ambulance.
I remember nothing else except for the paramedics trying to revive him by the pool. All this water squished out when they did CPR, but it was way too late. He was gone. And I'll never forget the way he looked lying there. Right by the pool steps, completely blue and totally lifeless. I refused to even walk on that spot for years afterward because I kept thinking about how he had died right there.
And it was because of me. I'm the one who wanted to get the stupid toy out of the yard. And I'm the one who failed to save him, even though I tried really hard. We always said we were heroes and that we'd save everyone. But when it came down to it, I couldn't do it. He died because I wasn't quick enough or strong enough. Or smart enough not to keep him away from the pool when I knew he couldn't swim.
So this is why I'm obsessed with being a hero. Because I had a chance once, and I failed at the task. And my friend Stan died. I know I was just a kid and maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But I can't help it. He died in my arms and even this many years later, I've never forgotten it. I can still see him lying on the pavement in the exact same spot. At this exact time of year. The holiday's, no less. So I guess I can never quite get over this failure of mine.
And I don't really know why I'm sharing this now, except that I guess I can't always be funny all the time. Because sometimes things in life suck. And even if I've tried not to think about this today, I couldn't help it. And maybe I just wanted to write it down because it's a story I don't usually tell people. But I think Stan needs to be remembered because I know I'll never forget him.
Sorry for the gloomy post...
-evil_twin LA
evil_twin posted on Nov 20, 2007
| views: 452
Comments
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secretlife said on Nov 20, 2007....
who can be happy all the time et?life just isn't meant to be all happiness, and we all carry our own burdens; whether or not you can see them.i had a friend once - he was 36 yrs old and he said to me, 'i've never had anything bad happen to me in my entire life. i've never lost anyone i've loved. my life is charmed, and i feel almost guilty hearing people tell of the bad things they have lived through or are living thru'.i just smiled when he told me that. some people are just lucky. but none of us can escape altogether. it's part of this human condition.why do these bad things happen? i don't think anyone can know this but God.they're random. they happen to innocents. you can go crazy trying to figure out why.so we move on with our lives, remembering the bad things, remembering our weaknesses and our failures. the best we can do is try to do better. the best we can do is remember when we interact with each other that we all bear our own burdens....we're all fragile creatures.you were a child. you cannot take the blame for another child's death.you simply did your best in a horrible situation.remember stan. but don't blame yourself because you didn't have the ability to save him. -
nursecutie said on Nov 20, 2007....
This is a really sad story, honey.......I didn't know it. You never told me :( It does explain alot though. At least the way you feel about certain things. But you know it was not your fault. You were just a little kid and they are always breaking rules. You didn't know what would happen.
And neither did he........he knew he couldn't swim but he still got too close to the water anyway. It wasn't your fault. And you did everything you could possibly do.......most kids at that age would not have known what to do I think. You could have drown yourself but you didn't even think of that.
I think you are a hero, Kyle. Sometimes heroes can't save everyone but the important thing is that you tried.
I am going to give you a big hug right now.......you need it :)
xxoo natalie xxoo
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the_infernal_optimist said on Nov 20, 2007....
((hugs)) Oh, Kyle...I know nothing I say will make a difference in how you feel, but here are my thoughts anyway.
If you hadn't jumped in and brought him out (and I would NOT have been able to do that at age six - I don't even know if I'm strong enough to drag a kid out of the water now!) he definitely would not have had a chance. You did that - a lot of people would have panicked or been frozen when it happened and unable to respond. You are a hero for what you did. Even firefighters and cops don't always get to the people they want to help in time to save them, and they're adults trained in rescues.
What a burden for all these years.
You didn't cause his death. If you hadn't wanted to get a toy, he would've. Somehow the same thing would have happened - not that our choices don't shape the future, but I believe that sometimes things are going to happen no matter which path we take. You didn't have the power to set in motion the things that led to his death. I mean, if you get down to it, whoever had the pool installed - were they at fault? No, of course not. You can point a finger at any number of people connected in any way with the event, and none of them are the perfect scapegoat for a senseless tragedy. It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault.
It's good that you remember him - I wish it wasn't with so much pain and guilt.
~Infernal
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botoni said on Nov 20, 2007....
Kyle, I am so very sad that this happened to you and to your friend. Its odd, I ve just posted a sad tale myself and now I stumble on yours. Your good memories of Stan, the fun you had together and the joy you had with each other is what will keep you remembering him in a positive way. What happened and how it happened is not your fault in anyway. You were both little boys and doing exactly what little boys do. -
evil_twin said on Nov 20, 2007....
secret--Your friend is lucky if nothing bad ever happened to him. I wish I could say the same. Unfortunately I've lost a few people in my life, but this is the one that I personally feel responsible for. I guess maybe I shouldn't blame myself so much, but that's hard. Thank you so much for your comment.
cutie--I know I never told you this before because I usually try not to think about it. But the memory was there tonight and I figured it would be easier to just have you read it, rather than tell it to you beforehand. Sometimes it's easier for me to write stuff than to say it. Especially sad stuff like this. But thank you for what you said and for the big hug you gave me. I did need it. :-) I love you....
infernal--Thank you for your comment. I guess I really have been carrying this burden for a long time, but I try not to think about it. It's just hard not to at this time of year. I suppose it wasn't entirely my fault, but it sure feels like it. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I wish I could have done things different. But lots of people always told me that I did more than most kids would have at that age, but it still didn't feel like enough.
botoni--I think tonight must be a sad night. I saw your post too and I guess there is just something about losing a person at this time of year that's even harder than normal. But thank you for saying it wasn't my fault. I need to start believing that myself.
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Lioness said on Nov 20, 2007....
Indeed a sad story. We have to accept that in this world, certain things happen beyond our comprehension and capacity, it could be bliss, or it could be pain. Your experience on that fateful day is one of those.
Not everyone has that opportunity to show a friend that you'd do anything for him. You had that opportunity. It was the best you could do, even risking your own life for him. His passing away is not your failure. No one is to be blamed.
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queenparanoia said on Nov 20, 2007....
evil_twin: kyle this post really bring me tears.... it made so many memories come back to me so many emotions i thought i was over with... you know why i joined soulcast right?
my friend died last year. he drowned too while we were vacationing... and like you we broke some rules... it was an accident just like you... and yes sometimes i wished that it was me...
those were the darkest moment of my life... the thought of suicide did not leave my mind.... and until now i'm still grieving over his loss...
but i move on kyle... i move on... it's hard but i try to move on and live my life. and most of all i accept that he will never come back. i know you believe in ghosts... but did i ever tell you i saw his spirit once? yeah it was on the hospital... he told me that it was okay... that he would be okay...
yeah it's still painful to think back on those nights... but at the same moment it changed my life... it changed me... and i would never imagine my life if i didnt meet my friend.. so i was thankful that he was a part of my life...
yes it's sad... but you can move on...
and with so many blessings in your life right now... i think an angel will be happy guiding and protecting over you... my mother once told me that people close to us who died still watches over us.. and i think your friend do watch over you...
this is not a gloomy post... this is a post dedicated to a wonderful person who lives on because of your memory of him... i think stan would love that...
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travelr712 said on Nov 21, 2007....
i started to write my comments here for you kyle, but then i decided it would be better to send them to you personally. i messaged you. -
amyispretty said on Nov 21, 2007....
It wasn't your fault, you were 6. I am sorry about your friend though. I wish you could have saved him, but you were just too little. Nyf. And this doesn't mean you are not a hero. The attempt to save him itself was heroic, a lot of kids may not have even tried. Pls don't be so hard on yourself. -
quietone said on Nov 21, 2007....
e.t. I think your sweet natilie was right...you did the best you could do for a little kid. You tired your best to save your friend and did not think even twice about the danger of your own life. This to me is heroic in itself. I am so sorry you had to deal with such a tragic loss at such a young age. It took a lot to come here and share it with us all. {{{hugs}} It was no ones fault..it just happened. -
silverwhisper said on Nov 21, 2007....
kyle: i'm sorry about stan, but you need to remember that what makes a hero isn't that he or she always saves the day. what makes a hero is getting up and trying again and again and again. and i know that's something you do, kyle.
when you come right down to it, our hurts help define who we are. i know that you're the kind of guy to dwell on these things, endlessly replaying them in in your mind.
so i won't tell you not to do that: i know it's something you have to do.
but try to remember to be kind to yourself, kyle. b/c you did everything that you could possibly have done.
ed -
destinydiva said on Nov 21, 2007....
aww kyle, that is a sad story, I have no idea what to say to you, except like nat and ed said, you tried to save him, and that makes you a hero! you did all you could, you shouldnt feel guilty.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
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fearing said on Nov 21, 2007....
I don't know what to say. I didn't know that about you. All I kept thinking was how you kept talking about failing but at that age, I can't imagine the courage you must have had to jump in and try to save him. That is terrible that you lost your friend and I am sorry. -
seashell said on Nov 21, 2007....
Thank you for sharing what has been disturbing you . . . the death of Stan. He will be remembered . . . . I'm thinking about him too.
Debby
Naples, Florida -
Mr_Box said on Nov 21, 2007....
Kyle......I'm a little surprised you wrote about this. But I'm glad you did. I know it always weighs on your mind at this time of year.
Everyone else has already told you what I've been telling you for years. That it wasn't your fault.
In fact most people who have heard this story over the years can't even believe you did what you did.
You jumped in a freezing pool and dragged a much bigger kid out with strength no one knew you had.
I remember him lying by the pool too. And I remember how you not only wouldn't walk in that spot, but you wouldn't let anyone else walk there either.
You are a hero, Kyle. Natty said it well. A hero can't always save everyone, but the part that makes you heroic is that you tried.
Don't let this eat at you. It wasn't a failure. It was an accident.
You know where I am if you need to talk.
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Actorguy said on Nov 21, 2007....
Geez Kyle, what a tragic story. I'm so sorry about your friend. When I think about the crazy things my friends and I did as a kid, and the chances we took with our lives, its a wonder any of us survived. But we got lucky, and you and Stan did not. I know its not your fault, but I also know that no matter how many people tell you that, you still blame yourself. Been there, done that. But Guilt will eat you alive......has been eating you alive for 20 some years.....so let's try this:I Forgive You.....I know you don't think that I have that power but Stan was a fellow human being and I do have the power.I know Natalie forgives you.I'm pretty sure everyone here forgives you.And I would bet my bottom dollar that Stan forgives you too.Now its time to forgive yourself.....I sincerely hope this helps. -
tizzygirl said on Nov 21, 2007....
You didn't fail him Kyle, you did everything you could do, you tried everything you knew how, and that isn't failure. You didn't freeze and do nothing, you jumped in to be a hero. Just because you didn't save him doesn't mean you failed.
It's good to remember him though, I'm sure he remembers you, and what a brave and good friend you were and even still are. I'm sure he doesn't want you to beat yourself up over it. He knows you tried, I'm sure he can see in your heart how much you wanted to save him, and I bet that means the world.
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evil_twin said on Nov 21, 2007....
lioness--Thank you. I guess I really did show him that I'd do anything for him. I just wish it had turned out differently....
queen--I wasn't here yet when you started your blog about your friend. But I did know about it from other things you've mentioned. I don't know the whole story. But I knew he drowned too. I'm sorry about that. Obviously I've been there and I understand how it feels. I'm glad you've seen his spirit and that he's okay now. I used to think I saw Stan by the pool lots of times. I don't know if I really did or if it was just me wanting to see him....
trav--I got your message and I want to thank you for what you said. I appreciate that you took the time to write me privately. I responded in kind.
amy--Thank you. I will try not to be so hard on myself.
quietone--It's funny because I never once even considered that what I did could have hurt me too. The thought never even crossed my mind at all. I just did what I had to do. And I was an excellent swimmer, so I knew I'd be fine. But I guess it could have turned out even more tragic in the end. Thank you for your words.
silver--Thank you. This event did shape who I am a lot more than I really realized. But it was a defining moment. And I don't think about this every day of my life, but it is always in the back of my mind. I'll try and be kinder to myself though.
destiny--Thank you. I appreciate what you said :-)
fearing--Not very many people know this story. It's not one I usually tell. Even Nat didn't know about it until she read it here. But thank you for what you said.
seashell--Thank you for keeping him in your thoughts. I want him to be remembered.
Mr. Box--I'm a little surprised I wrote this too. I wasn't going to. But in the end, this is me and I wanted to get the story out. It felt good to do it, and also horrible at the same time. The guilt is still there, but I'll try not to be so hard on myself.
actorguy--Thank you so much for what you said. You're right. I do need to forgive myself. And knowing that you don't see me as a failure and that you forgive me for what I wasn't able to do, means a lot. Thank you.
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evil_twin said on Nov 21, 2007....
tizzy--Thank you. I hope he remembers me fondly. I hope he knows I tried to save him. And I guess I really did do all I could. I just wish it had been enough. -
uniquely-ironic said on Nov 21, 2007....
I can't begin to imagine how this makes you feel. I do think you did a very heroic thing, jumping in and pulling him out. That alone was nearly super human.Kids make bad decisions. It's because they're kids. I'm sure if Stan had been resucitated he would have agreed that it was all an accident. The fact that you carry that emotional load tells me you're a good soul.It does explain a lot about how you worry so much about what others think or feel. Not neccesarily a bad thing. -
skald said on Nov 21, 2007....
Kyle you were only 6. How can you blame your self. You can not. I am very sorry that this happened to you. (((((((Hugs))))))) -
Ariene said on Nov 21, 2007....
A few hours before my cousin died, he came to me for help. I hadn't seen him since we were kids, and today would have been his birthday. I put him off, because I was busy working in my store. I asked him to come back later. It was the last time I ever saw him alive. I always feel guilty, thinking maybe somehow I could have saved his life. -
evil_twin said on Nov 21, 2007....
uniquely--This event definitely shaped who I am today. And it feels a little better actually sharing it with people. It releases some of the guilt. I still don't know how I managed to pull him out of the pool, but I knew I had to do it. I guess adrenaline really is a powerful thing.
skald--Thank you. I was very young and shouldn't blame myself. You're right.
ariene--I guess we all have those little regrets in our life. That wasn't your fault either....
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Mamie said on Nov 21, 2007....
oh Kyle, I am so sorry that this happened in your life. I am hoping that time has allowed you to understand the accident somewhat...I am sending a hug to the little boy who really was a hero that day...also as if I wasn't boohooing enough...your brothers note is classic. I admire his support of you and you two are lucky to have each other. I wish I had that with my brother. Peace, my friend, Mamie -
CreativeWoman said on Nov 21, 2007....
Kyle,
I am so sorry to read this. I think you are a hero though in the eyes of everyone who has read and commented here. I understand why you feel responsible. I wonder how many six year olds would dive in a pool and try to pull another kid to safety? You acted with a brave heart. That IS the stuff that heroes are made of.
CW
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queenparanoia said on Nov 21, 2007....
maybe you did... maybe you didnt see him... but i'm sure he would be proud of you for remembering him... =) -
cntlvmenuf said on Nov 21, 2007....
Kyle: I too agree with what everybody has said.....it was not your fault and you acted like a hero when you jumped in after your friend.....which shows that even as young as 6, you were already a hero. Somethings are just out of our hands, and whereas we cannot change what happened to us, we can choose how to deal with it. You are a hero right now for sharing this about yourself after so many years, it shows that you are ready for a healing. The pain will always be there, but so will the love you had for Stan. And you know what I've found out about loved ones passing on, we keep them alive in our hearts.....by remembering what they would say to us when we are in tough situations, by remembering the good times, and even the bad. Stan will always be a part of you, and nothing will ever take that away. -
destinydiva said on Nov 21, 2007....
adrenaline really is powerful....fight or flight...your body kicked in to super hero mode...and you tried your best, kyle you were 6 years old...that is one 6 yr old super hero if i ever knew one..... :-) xx
you are like me in that you strongly believe everything happen for a reason...your friend was meant to go at that time, dont be so hard on yourself (((((((hugs)))))
des xx
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evil_twin said on Nov 21, 2007....
mamie--Thank you for the hug :-) The little boy can always use one of those. And I am starting to understand a bit more that it wasn't my fault. I am lucky to have such a cool brother though. We get on each other's nerves, but I love him.
CW--Thank you for everything you said. I don't know how many other 6 year olds would do what I did either. To me, it wasn't even a decision. I just reacted the only way I knew how. It was instinct. I just wish it ended better.
queen--Thank you :-) Maybe I did see him? That makes me smile to think I did.
cntluvmenuf--Thank you for everything you said. I guess there are some things that are just out of our control. But remembering the good times makes it a little easier.
destiny--I've told myself many times that it was his time to go, or else I would have saved him. But how can it ever be time for an 8 year old to go? I know it happens, but it's something I can't quite wrap my mind around sometimes....
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travelr712 said on Nov 21, 2007....
et - i've wrestled with that question for quite a few years now myself. the only answer i've been able to find that seems reasonable is that we're supposed to make sense out of it ourselves. we're supposed to find the reasons for it that we can live with. -
minniemouse said on Nov 21, 2007....
wow....I wish I had something new to add kyle......this story is heartbreaking, yet very courageous at the same time. When I read the part where you said you jumped in to save him...I was in awe. You were 6 years old....the fact you had the capacity to jump in and actually get him....a larger kid....up and out of the pool...amazing. We can't be super heros all the time....no matter how much we want to....all we can do is try which sometimes is the most courageous thing of all. How many times do you see someone stand by and not offer to help someone? Not even try to help themselves, much less someone else? Trying to save someone elses life, instead of just standing and watching...to me is the most courageous thing of all....I'm sorry for the weight you carry Kyle...I hope writting it down lightens your load at least a little bit. {{{{hugs}}}} Minnie -
evil_twin said on Nov 21, 2007....
trav--I guess you're right. We have to make sense of it ourselves.
minnie--Thank you for your words. It does help to write it down and share it because then I don't have to carry it inside alone anymore. I guess I really did do all I could. I need to keep remembering that.
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kumarilata said on Nov 30, 2007....
I have no special wisdom on these things, but I do know that it took courage to write this and post it. something this deep, although it brings healing to share, must also bring insecurities as well, yet you pushed thru all of that to post it. thank you for sharing such a heartfelt story.
~~lata
Comment on "Remembering a friend"
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