Something about you....
.......you liked to sleep naked......one leg. the right one (because we have always slept with me at your left side) was sticking out of the sheets.....
.......you never ate breakfast....the first thing you used to do in the morning was going outside in the patio or in garage and drink your cofffe (no milk) and smoke a cigarette......
.......you liked fixing things, building stuff, creating somethign from nothing, woods, hammers, nails where your idea of fun......
.......you absolutely believed two angels or guardians were constantly by your side, one at each side....you believed you could ask them suggestions and help....you were also very worried about me after death..."If you die you will not come with me in Heaven...you don't believe.....how can i find peace with this idea? I am so sad for this"...
........you could move from a place, a home, a city, a country putting all your belongings in only one Navy bag......you had very few personal possessions......few photos, few memorabilia.... it was always like it was possible for you to leave at any time.....
.........you loved speed....fast cars, fast motorcycles, fast boats...
........you fell in love with me at first sight and for many years i have been the only woman for you. You said the sight of me dancing that fateful night of our encounter had been the most beautiful thing you had ever seen in your life....
.........you liked taking long showers before going in bed......i used to lay in bed waiting for you getting out of the shower...the room was in the semi dark with only the light coming from the bathroom and the sound of the water dripping from your body...the anticipation lived at the candle light....in that big bed.....
.........you loved my cooking.........my lasagna, my chicken parmigiana, my spaghetti with clams....
.......you seemed to have an endless energy.....for working long hours...for making love for long hours.....for drinking without ever looking drunk.....for not sleeping as you should......but then you could sleep for days....your record has been sleeping for 2 days and one night, on a boat......
........you wore only Levis Jeans 32 inch waist.....you never need to buy a different size....you needed sweater with particularly long sleeves..you have long arms ...
........you have a deep navel....a deep innie....long legs, long feet, long and big hands, long muscles.......you walks like a cowboy....long steps, like trying to make any sound...
.......you loved Italy, and our Italian friends. and our Italian home....
......you didnt want other kids after our daughter.....you had a vasectomy two months after you left me because you didn twant father any other child, not even with her...but she found our she was pregnant just few days after the vasectomy....
.....you didn't like movies with subtitles.....or reading big books.......or sarcasm.....or classical music.....decadent was a word inexistent in your vocabulary....
.....you didn't laugh very often.....you were always unfazed.....like a Buddha....your motto was "If you can't fix it, dont worry about it".............
......i do believe I made you very happy.......you have been very much loved....
Why i am here writing these things?
Dont ask, my friends....
............it must be one of those nights.....ever had one? I know you did....
I often wonder why our memory picks the images she picks......
how we forget so many other images of our past....
where all our life is stored......
Sometimes i have the feeling i have only memory of memories......like i am not actually remembering the original event but the way i remember that event.....why, otherwise, always the same images keep surfacing?
Its a second hand memory......
Its a totalitarian memory that governs my mechanisms.....i seem not remembering him in his wholeness...
And i wonder...what he is remembering of me?
Does he still think of me and the past we had?
Does he allow himself to remember me?
I am sure there is a method to revive even the oldest memories.....
What i remember of my ex husband and those many years we loved each other and lived together is nothing compared all those years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes...... all that life.........what it has remained?
Again...don't ask, my friends....its definetely one of those nights....
