My mother once told me that I was the strongest person she had ever known and as a younger child I believed there was something special about my strength and personality; more and more now I realize that I am a weak person.  I mean if I were strong in any form of the word wouldn't I be out of this relationship.  I want to be with Kellyn.  I love Kellyn with all of my heart and I feel as though our relationship will work.  At the same time I know that Kellyn has to believe it will work and it won't.  We had another one of our discussions that we have last night because I wanted to sleep on the couch because its rough when we go to bed and Kellyn curls up in a ball on the furthest corner of the bed and turns her back to me.  We used to have this really cute problem of Kellyn pushing herself into me at night because she couldn't get enough of me holding on to her. Now our bed seems far too small for us and the world doesn't contain enough distance for her to get. No kisses, no cuddling, no touching...and I can't stop loving her.  Smiling when I think of her; I am breaking and yet I just can't not be completely into her. I love her.

Blah!

On the school front I am hoping that my graduate committee allows me an interview.  At this point that is my only shot of getting into grad school and I really want grad school.  Maybe not my PhD but I do want my masters.  I have a meeting with my PI to discuss the letter of rec she is writing me and I can't help but be nervous and wonder if she is second guessing whether or not I will be able to make it in grad school.  I have set my priorities in the wrong place my entire life and I do not know if there is any recovering from that.

I am falling asleep so I am off to relax.