This thing has me really torn up.  I don't know what else he is hiding from me.  He said last night that he doesn't talk to anyone, he doesn't see anyone, but he didn't say he didn't email anyone.  He flat out lied to me.  He looked me in the eye and lied to me.  I"m not sure anyone knows how much that rips my heart out.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I started looking for an apartment yesterday.  I told him that too.  I tld him that I didn't want to move out, but I couldn't stnad him lying to me.  He swore once again that he wasn't lying.  I've been thingking about it and maybe he just doesn't realize he is.  I don't know.  I jst want to know what in the hell is so special about her.  He told me she wasn't special and she wasn't any more importaant than any other friend.  I wonder what she would do if I told her he was hiding her from me.  Probably nothing because she would ask him and he would deny it and naturally she would believe him.  My nerves have been shot all day and I have had dizzy spells and my insides are shaking.  I try to stay busy so I don't think about it.   There are lots of things that bother me about this relationship.  He thinks all is well because he isn't seeing what bugs me.  I know what bugs him about me, it's my illness.  I'm sorry about that and I'm doing the best I can to control it.  No one knows how hard it is for someone with bipolar disorder to stay stable.  Every damned thing you do you have to think about it before hand.  ou can't react until you check yourself.  You have to be constantly talking to yourself.  It's draining.  I've paid off my bills, I've stabilized, I've finished counseling, I've proven to him that I am not leaving again and that there is no one else.  Those are the things he wanted to happen.  But the things I asked for have not happened.  We get into a discussion about anything like this and for the next four or five days he is very attentive, then he falls back again.  I don't want ot have to ask for attention and I don't ask for much.  But with this illness I need some.  He has taken a class for families on this illness and he has taken so much of what they have said as gospel.  I keep telling him that just because they said it doesn't mean it is true.  It's just a generalization.  Don't ignore me when I talk, talk to me.  Not talking is going to make it worse.  Ignoring me makes it worse.  I have this fear of abandonment.  I have this fear of not being good enough and quick to blame myself for everyting.  Yes, most people with this illness are 'all or nothing'.  That is definitely me.  I try to keep it in check.  It's really hard sometimes.  I have learned to not be domineering.  That is hard, but I'm doing okay with it.  All I want is to know that there is no one else and that he is not hiding things from me.  I want to know that he is serious about all of this and that he cares more than anything in the world.  I need him to understand that part of the reason I left was because I was tired of vying for first place in his life.  It's always been work and the daughter then me.  He told me that he always loved me and always will love me.  then you need to pull yourself out of your rut and show me more often.  Be a little tender, be a little romantic, be a little spontaneous.  I'm willing compromise on a lot of things, but he is not.

I called for an appointment with a counselor yesterday for us.  I was told today that this particular one doesn't have time for six to eight weeks.  I'm not sure waiting that long would be healthy.  I'm going to call them tomorrow and see who they would refer us to.  What I wasn't told by him was that he called last week, the same counselor.  He acted like it wasn't a big deal that he didn't tell me.  I told him that I would have worded my request a bit differently if I had known.  See it's this lack of proper communication that is killing us and it seems to be getting worse.  Anytime I don't understand something he says he says I am digging for something or that I choose to not understand.  I told him that maybe it was because he didn't know how to choose the right words.  He agreed.  He started talking about people with my illness tend to manipulate.  I asked him what he thought I was manipulating and he couldn't answer.  I asked him to explain what he meant by manipulate and he couldn't.  Looking back I see that I put up with a lot of stuff that I didn't understand for 19 years.  If he wants this to work 100% then he is going to have to learn how to talk so people can understand him.  I'm not saying i'm perfect.  But I see this as a problem.  This trust issue is killing me. 

there are times when I just want to pack up and move away.  I want to say the hellwith it all.  All the work I did was for nothing.  I had to do all thework and he did a little of  nothing to change himself.  It was all about me changing.  This is bullshit.  There are times when I just think it would be best if I let it all go and let him do whatever the hell he wanted to do no matter if it hurt me or not.  I'm tired of fighting over this friend of his.  Totally tired.  I told him last night that he can continue to email her and call her and even go see her if he wanted to, but that it would cause us to go right back to square one and I didn't think he wanted that.  If she is just a friend, then I would like to meet the friend that is so important to him that he has to hide her.  I know she drove by here Sunday hoping he would be out and she would blow her horn at him.  How fucking stupid can she be?  Did she not think I might be out with him?  She is trying to make trouble and I'm tired of it.  i have not spent the last year busting my ass to get better and get him back for her to all at once decide she wanted him back.  It's  not happening woman.  Not as long as I am alive.  Which is another thing.  Sometimes I think I would have been better off if I had died last year. No I am not thinking about suicide again.  I just think that maybe everyone's life would have been calmer without me around.  Then everyone could do what they wanted openly and not have to worry about whether something they say is going to cause me to go off again.  I don't think about that often though.  Just once in a while.

 

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