• blastfromthepast said on Nov 04, 2007....

  Wow!  Good question!  If you killed my kid, I'd skin you alive.  Anything else I'll forgive you for.

• lfbno7 said on Nov 04, 2007....

  I'll start it off with an online dictionary definition of "forgive". Stop feeling angry or resentful towards someone for an offense, flaw or mistake. Is that what it means? For you to stop feeling angry or resentful? What if the person killed your kid? You can stop feeling angry or resentful about that? Is this definition the way you interpret the concept of forgiveness?

• quietone said on Nov 04, 2007....

   I think a person has to learn to forgive themselves before they can forgive anyone else.  I just say "Let go and let God".  I don't think one can just "stop" being angry or resentful...it is a process.  A process of letting go...not saying "oh its okay", but just letting go of the anger, resentment.  Did that make sense?? Sometimes I get confused with myself.  LOL

• lfbno7 said on Nov 04, 2007....

  Well there were a few different points that you raised, quiet one. One was learning to forgive yourself before you can forgive others, and that one is pretty deep and not easy to just explain away. I agree that you can't just stop being angry. Even if you somehow manage to stop being angry about something serious that may have happened, that doesn't mean your anger will still be at zero tomorrow or the next time you think of whatever terrible thing happened. So forgiveness for something really bad could be thought of as a lessening, an attempt to let it go, an attempt that can have varying degrees of success at different times. I think I can buy into that.

• silverwhisper said on Nov 04, 2007....

  i've always felt it means no longer harboring ill will and the reinstatement of trust. this is why forgiveness is generally a difficult thing b/c IMX, true forgiveness arises from a sincere heart asking it, and a compassionate heart giving it in return. very often, these 2 things simply cannot find one another.
  
  ed

• lfbno7 said on Nov 04, 2007....

  And trust is a conditional thing, in flux. For example, you can forgive a cheating spouse, and then the issue can arise again next year, or you can just have a suspicion that it might, and your trust is less than it once was. I suppose trust is not an absolute, along with quiet's line of thought, it is a process, shades of gray. That puts us into an "everything is relative" position. Yes I forgive you, but sort of. Yes I trust you, more than I did a week ago, but not nearly as much as I did a year ago, that sort of thing.

• beyondtheveil said on Nov 04, 2007....

  7- I have usually thought of it as letting go. In other words an attempt to let go of anger, hate, or resentment. You can never forget, but you can make it somewhat easier on yourself by forgiving. Also, forgiveness should always come at a time and on the terms of the forgiver, not the offender. The forgiver should not be backed into a corner or pushed to forgive. That can be false forgiveness.
  
  An offender can let it be known from a distance they want forgiveness, the next step should be taken by the offended, if they so wish.
  
  I don't have a definition for forgiveness because of the almost unlimited levels of offenses. 
  

• lfbno7 said on Nov 04, 2007....

  That's another point too, that the meaning of forgiveness itself will change depending on what happened. Forgiveness for doing something stupid can be almost total, because at some point we realize that if we hold a grudge, we ourselves are going to do something even stupider tomorrow. But forgiveness of a cruel act that we know we would not do is a tougher line to cross, simply because we can't see ourselves guilty of that. It's a WTF moment. So the best you can do is keep your eyes open in future and try not to stay red hot angry about it, just let it go as long as it doesn't resurface.

• dyingman said on Nov 04, 2007....

  Forgiveness. I'd have to guess it's informing the offender that you are no longer willing to dedicate anger towards the offender. This does not mean you are no longer sad or angry about the event. Forgiveness need not mean the offender need no longer feel guilty and it does not mean any willingness by the forgiver to have any interest in further contact. In this way, forgiveness is a form of letting go. You let the offender have some degree of comfort to let them know this; that you are to some degree healed from the damage. It is a great gift one gives to the offender that seeks it. *DM

• lfbno7 said on Nov 04, 2007....

  Not a bad take on forgiving. "You are still an asshole but I am no longer going to waste the energy to hate you. Just go away and stay away." I like the honesty of it, the admission that things aren't all roses and whipped cream. Since I believe in an afterlife, a Heaven if we want to call it that, I can picture these two people meeting there (and aren't we all one or both of these people in some of our relationships). The guilty one comes forward with a shit eating grin and a spirit hand extended, and the wronged party says, very nicely, "Could you just go away, please, we aren't friends. No anger, but just go be with someone else." It's more realistic for a serious offense than "Let's love each other, I forgive you, you're my best buddy now."

• gingersoul said on Nov 04, 2007....

  LF......forgiveness is a concept i struggle with .....i can forgive but i dont forget....does this makes my forgiveness less effective? For some it seems so....

  Maybe you have a better idea if you read my post here

• lfbno7 said on Nov 04, 2007....

  I read your post. I think that things become a lot clearer when we get back home, and that there is a big fog over this earth that keeps everything difficult and unclear. Anyway I don't think your pain from that relationship is red hot anymore. You have let a lot of it go.

• wombat said on Nov 04, 2007....

  Had my answer all ready until I read quietone's response.  She has a very good point.  There is something I have never "forgiven" myself for, even though at times I thought I had.  The hurt and confusion just never goes away.
   
  But I did finally forgive someone who hurt me an awful lot--and I mean "awful" in the truest sense.  It is complicated and I won't go into it here, but I "forgave" them because I finally realized that I had to in order to live with myself.  Also that the person does not even realize now what they did to me.  Why hang onto pain like that?
   
  There are others that I feel I have "forgiven" due to the passage of time.  At least the resentment doesn't eat me alive like it used to.
   
  Now, I need to work on forgiving myself....that's the hard one.

• silverwhisper said on Nov 04, 2007....

  lbf: that's an excellent point about trust.
  
  ed

• uniquely-ironic said on Nov 04, 2007....

  My own definition of forgiveness is not hanging onto anger, revenge or bitterness toward that person.  I do require that the person I forgive at least want to be forgiven.  I don't think forgiveness means trusting that person afterward.  That is something they earn back over time.  I think over time most people forgive those who have hurt them anyways.  Keeping all of that negative stuff inside is a lot of work most would rather do without.

• SecretKeeper85 said on Nov 04, 2007....

  I wonder the same thing..do we say we forgive just to get thru the moment, do we really forgive at all...better yet how do u actually forgive someone and at how do u know u actually forgave them when deep down whatever they did will always linger in the back of your mind.

• uniquely-ironic said on Nov 04, 2007....

  by acting on your decision to forgive and treating them as if you have forgiven them.  It's an act at first, but intelligent beings are blessed with intellect.

• lfbno7 said on Nov 04, 2007....

  The comments above are that forgiveness is not a Yes or No but rather a process with subtle shades, and a "letting go" that doesn't mean you have completely wiped the slate clean. I would never wipe the slate clean, or "forget", because by wiping the slate clean as if "it had never happened" you are negating all experience, good and bad. And in any event it is impossible to wipe the slate clean and forget, because you do in fact remember, as you should. Forgiveness seems to mean a lessening of anger, simply by letting it go and not keeping it red hot. It may or may not be accompanied by some measure of trust, though not the complete trust you had before you were wronged. So it is supposed to linger "in the back of your mind". You forgive "deep down" just by easing up on the anger, not by taking the person into your heart and pretending to yourself that you are as tight as long lost loves.

• preacherman said on Nov 05, 2007....

  For me, forgiveness is not necessarily about forgiving an act, it's about forgiving another human being. For me, forgiveness brings a softening, a yielding to a larger perspective, an accepting of my commonality with everyone and everything that exists.

• crybabylu said on Nov 07, 2007....

  I think sometimes forgiving is forgetting.  To me, it has something to do with the offense.  Some things are easier to forget than others.

• vicnalyn said on Nov 09, 2007....

  Its just like a tooth for a tooth an eye for an eye...forgiveness comes from the heart and soul.

• TaintedAtBirth said on Nov 20, 2007....

  quietone is right on !!

  " I think a person has to learn to forgive themselves before they can forgive anyone else"
  
  
  
  

Comment on "What is forgiveness?"

Currently tagged	forgiving Forgiveness guilt Forgive revenge punishment relationships life love (Click to add tags below)
Tag this post	(Separate tags using commas, for example: New York, dating, vegetarian)
Your comment