This morning I awoke just before 6. No reason. 30 seconds later I heard my phone jingle. You texted me, "Are you still awake? I need you." I was more than a little shocked. My first reaction was that you were in trouble or something. I texted you back...three times and rang you...with no response. I finally drifted back to sleep. It wasn't until I woke up again later this morning that I realised you were probably just drunk after a heavy night out and lonely. You probably texted me by mistake and then realised it...which is why you didn't respond to me. I was upset. You know I'm trying to be strong and stay away from you...especially avoiding coming to your place at night. And what? You expected me to walk over at 6AM to comfort you? At least you changed your mind. I had awful dreams about you. I was in your place...but it was different. You weren't there and I was snooping through all of your things...your phone, your computer, your drawers....and I kept finding terrible things. More and more things that showed how unfaithful and what a liar you are. I know most of it was untrue, but it matched the feelings of betrayal I'm experiencing. I woke up hurt and angry at you. My daddy was there in the dream. He was comforting me and telling me it was alright. You weren't the one for me, you don't deserve me. He was trying to find things first, to censor what I saw. He was telling me to let it go, it didn't matter. The hurt was done, and all the rest didn't matter. I'm so glad he was in the dream with me.

I'm in a lot of physical pain, and as I started bleeding today...I realised that I'm having my second miscarriage with you. With all that was going on, I didn't even pay attention to the fact that I was very late. This time I won't go to the doctor. He won't be able to do anything for me and he'll just tell me again, what I already know. It's for the best, I know. God gives us dramatic signs when we stop paying attention to the little ones. I wish I would have paid better attention to the first one...perhaps that was my big sign that this whole thing wasn't right. I won't tell you about this.

I haven't spoken to my family, other then emails, in three weeks. I need to ring my father. I miss them all so much. I wish I could just be home, in the comfort that brings to me, now. I feel like a little girl lost.

I haven't been to church in a very, very long time. I've been to churches and lit candles, but not to mass. I don't really consider myself a Catholic anymore, but I've been craving mass. I've been missing the absolution and feelings of peace that church brings. I haven't been meditating, praying, doing my tarot cards or even lighting my incense anymore. Not for a long time. I will go to mass tomorrow morning and try to soothe my soul. All the rest of me is so cluttered and broken. I know the place to start is rebuilding from the inside. I will receive answers and support when I start taking care of my spiritual self again. Shit things start happening when I close myself off from God. I can see it and feel it...my crown chakra is tight shut. My heart chakra is dim and tiny...barely existent. Peace of mind will come from peace of heart and soul. I think I will go to Edinburgh next week and wander around in the old parts of the city and find my church. Seek my past-life as a nun in that city. She wants to show me that this time around, the heartbreak won't kill me. God hasn't turned away from me, I've turned away. When I open up and listen again, the blessings will come.

For now I will try to manage this physical pain and get myself through another challenge. x