I've tried very hard since getting back together with my boyfriend to protect myself and not hang on every word and every promise. I mean, actions do speak louder than words and how many times has he walked out on me and my girls??? I've never let anyone do that to me before - used to be if I was dumped, it was over. Sure, I'd be sad for awhile but I never took a man back after being hurt and dumped.
Anyway, I try to avoid disappointment. I try to avoid it by focusing on dreams other than "us" and just accepting how things are. But I don't know ... I find myself wondering why I "settle" for less than I want; for less than I deserve.
My boyfriend bought me a promise ring last Christmas. Whatever ... a promise to get engaged and married. Well, none of his friends or family knew about it, and in June he walked out on us again despite the "ring" ... whatever. So of course, since getting back together he wanted me to wear the ring and he's "promised" to replace it with an engagement ring. Whatever. Last night he asked me what I want for Christmas. I had to tell him "Nothing". I wish he really wanted to marry me. I wish I didn't have to tell him what I want for Christmas, that he'd just know and want the same thing. Oh well.
Yesterday he found out his lay off occurs December 14th. He will receive monthly pay and benefits for three months then he will receive the remaining 9 months of severance in one lump sum. I tried to keep my brain from jumping ... from wishing that this change in work, that this change in financial situation (he plans to take a month off to relax and then get a job and collect double pay) would be just what WE need. It won't be though ... I know that.
Last night he told me that he plans to go visit friends in London, maybe even travel to Ireland since he's never been. Funny, I always thought I'd fall in love with a man who wanted to travel the world with me, not one who would run off without me the second he got a chance.
Okay, so I guess you can't avoid disappointment. I am disappointed. I wish he'd look for a job here instead of in San Francisco - move in, truly commit finally. I guess that's why I always notice attractive men when I'm out and about these days. I wouldn't cheat but I guess deep down I expect him to continue to let me down and so I look ...
Oh well, sorry everyone, I just had these things racing through my head all night and couldn't sleep so I'm kind of rambling this morning ...
