• silverwhisper said on Oct 28, 2007....

  well, i think that depends in large measure upon the nature of the relationship in question. for example, one can have an "open" marriage, meaning that you can have sex w/ people other than one's spouse, although it's pretty unusual.
  
  having said that though, i think that most people enter marriage with the expectation that monogamy is part & parcel of marriage, although obviously, if it works for a given relationship, what other people is their problem, IMHO.
  
  ed

• lisamay said on Oct 28, 2007....

  yes i would say an open marriage is pretty unusual
  even in that, i would think there would be restrictions..
  or limits of some kind.
  
  i agree that marriage does imply monogamy .. i guess im just questioning whether it should ... or has to :)
  
  it remains to be seen if it will work, its an experiment i guess ..
  
  thanks for the comments and listening - reading.
  
  
  

• rupert7 said on Oct 28, 2007....

  lisamay, welcome here! - hope this will not set us at odds but having been married twice (22 years into second and going strong) I feel that monotony is not caused by monogamy but rather by attitude. Hence is inevitable even in the most open of relationships monotony will occur because open = wrong attitude. Hey-to each his/her own! 

• pickersplock said on Oct 29, 2007....

  I agree with rupert.
  As one of my teachers in high school used to say, "if you're bored, it's because you're boring".

• TexKelc said on Oct 29, 2007....

  At this point in my life, I know that I cannot commit to a relationship just for that purpose.  I don't want to cheat...really.  Then, when I'm in a relationship, something usually happens and I find myself in a situation that I didn't want, but wanted really bad at the same time. 
   
  At some point I'll want to have a baby, and I truly love men, but I can't see myself being faithful to one partner for the rest of my life.  Who knows, my perspective is bound to change.
   
  Kelsey

• lisamay said on Oct 29, 2007....

  "if you're bored, it's because you're boring".
  
  thats entirely possible, but the teacher is also involved.
  there are some boring teachers out there ...
  
  

• lisamay said on Oct 29, 2007....

  "if you're bored, it's because you're boring".
  
  thats entirely possible, but the teacher is also involved.
  there are some boring teachers out there ...
  
  

• buckrogers said on Oct 29, 2007....

  Marriage is not about sexual adventures; it is about raising a family in a secure environment, and you can't do that without TRUST. The best way to violate that trust is to get mixed up in sexual adventures that end up being as boring as your present relationship.
  Sex gets boring because it is mechanical. What never wears out or gets boring is LOVE. Learn to fall in love over and over again with your partner and the feeling of satisfaction will return. Not only that, you will strengthen the bonds of your marrige that may have to endure many hardships: financial, death in the family, helping a loved one, etc.
  Casual sex is exaggerated in the movies and on TV, because there is an interest in breaking the rules of society...the same way murder is an unwarranted fascination. Why turn your life into a nightmare?

• silverwhisper said on Oct 29, 2007....

  buck, you're assuming that everyone defines marriage the same way you do. that's not a good assumption.
  
  ed

• exhibit_c said on Oct 29, 2007....

  There are non-obvious psychological factors related to sex. Sex with others will caluse psychological distancing from the spouse. 

• lisamay said on Oct 29, 2007....

  looks like a good debate brewing :)
  keep going
  
  

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  i think it depends on the individual couples.
  
  the guy i'm with and i...we've talked about it....both of us are too jealous of people for a truly open relationship. but there's other stuff we've talked about......and well...*blushing* i have no idea why i'm having a hard time explaining this HERE of all places. jeez.
  

• silverwhisper said on Oct 29, 2007....

  fallyn: hey, threesomes can be a lot of fun. :>
  
  ed

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  *blushing* threesomes ARE a lot of fun.
  
  the one i've had......was WEIRD. but incredible.
  i should write about it sometime.
  
  sometime....after i quit blushing.
  
  JEEZ.
  

• silverwhisper said on Oct 29, 2007....

  really? would you like to compare with mine? and incidentally, was that what you were talking about?
  
  ed

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  was what what i was talking about?

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  alright.... i'm writing up the story.
  
  *still blushing*
  

• lisamay said on Oct 29, 2007....

  would love to hear more about silverwhisper's and fallyn's threesomes.
  now that is something i have not really considered, though i have read a lot about them and it is interesting.
  
  i think the key would be having the ability to distance yourself emotionally, realizing that it is just sex ... or even sport, as someone suggested in an earlier post.
  
  of course i am still in the experimental phase, but so far, what little i have done has not decreased my intimacy with my husband.
  in a way it has increased it because i see him making a great sacrifice for me, which means a whole lot.
  it makes me want to be even closer to him in a strange way.
  
  it needs to be pointed out, that i am not talking at all about an "affair" .. there was no love involved in my two indiscretions ... it was pure sex, just screwing, no strings attached.
  there was also no secrecy or sneaking around ... no betrayal at al.
  
  does anyone see that as different, or do you all think im just finding a way to justify myself ?
  
  

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  well, there you go.....i did it.
  
  whew. wow. if i knew how to link things i would. but i don't....so you'll have to find it on your own. :P
  
  
  
  i think it's different.
  
  

• silverwhisper said on Oct 29, 2007....

  i think that your situation is very different than most, lisamay.
  
  it's hard to explain the experience: it's both less yet more than you can possibly expect. and it's fraught w/ possible problems.
  
  ed

• CreativeWoman said on Oct 29, 2007....

  Never mind me.  You lost me at threesomes.  :-)  I've never done it.  Don't think I could.  I can't keep the attention of one man let alone two people.
  
  CW
  

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  i think you have to be right for the situation.
  
  and not all threesomes were as strange as mine.
  

• lisamay said on Oct 29, 2007....

  fallyn, im thinking about a threesome now lol

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  *lol* cause of my post?

• lisamay said on Oct 29, 2007....

  fallyn
  well your post helped, but i would say all the posts on the subject on this thread.
  :)
  
  

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  *grin* well....in any case...glad i could help.

• cotteralladams3 said on Oct 31, 2007....

  I'd love have an idealistic of marriage.  I really would, because I am a Baptist and hold it in high regard.  I don't practice it, being the pro-choice, tequila-drinking, beer-marinading, pro gay civil rights, pro-evolution kind of Baptist who hates getting up on Sundays and has to work throughout the week.  While I don't judge out-of-wedlock births, I still think it is preferential to have children when married, that married life is ideal and that there are roles for men and women to play in it.   (I am not against women working--that isn't my point).

  Reality:  domestic violence, boredom, chores, diapers, sleepless nights, financial burdens, control freaks, arguments, abandoned and neglected children, drug addiction, cancer, health problems, paying for health care, mortgage payments, childbirth, breastfeeding, adultery, divorce, etc.

  I hate to be a pessimist and realize many marriages are wonderful but not for everyone. Some of it is modern society and the two generations raised with divorce and high expectations--two generations who never really got the parenting they needed so their examples are baby boomers, who are lousy parents. I believe it because I see it.  So I don't blame people for being messed up.  With adultery, if it is possible to forgive and move on, great, but it is also perfectly understandable to end it.  But there are risks with STD's and people feel betrayed.  I get why people hate divorce but agree with it, love marriage but fear it.

• Fallyn said on Oct 31, 2007....

  life is a series of things that just don't fit together in a nice neat little package.
  
  that can be wonderful and horrible at the same time....again...not some nice neat little package.
  

• cotteralladams3 said on Nov 01, 2007....

  One girl, "Sweet Suzie", insisted that single people slept around and deserved to be called slutty.  Okay....that's what single people do all day and it was in response to a question about how to avoid divorced people with kids and single parents on the dating scene.  I do not want to raise other people's kids. Alot agreed with me while others insulted me for refusing them.  Now why would I want to at the time I am starting to make good money and am taking on a second job-why would I want to deal with the financial burden of someone else's kids?  Here are some things that go through my mind:

  What if people are looking for a babysitter or nanny?
  Why should I be responsible for what someone else isn't doing?
  Isn't this between the two spouses?
  If I didn't have the kid(s), why should I be responsible?
  There is a lot of stress, time, money and energy involved.
  I may not like the kids.

  It is unfair to the kids if I don't like them.

  What if the other spouse is jealous and interferes?

  Do I really want to get between a couple in recovery from divorce? What if they get back together? What about financial concerns?  What if they still sleep together?  What about the time constraints?  I work at night and I am not about to give up a job I like where I make money under the table and do well to be home with kids.  Nobody can come and dump them on me at any hour because of work and such...I have a certain schedule.  I also work on Saturdays to catch up on leads during the week and do some calls and faxes and take care of errands.  I have to go in no matter what because we are short on staff.  I don't want to come home to a large mess. 

  If I wanted a large familiy, I'd have one by now.  Is it just me or does it seem seflish to expect that it's okay to dump your kids, financial concerns and divorce on someone else, expecting him or her to substitute for the other missing parent, pay for the bills, help raise the kids, fork over income, share a house, babysit, clean up, make food and drive people around?  Why can't someone see this is a burden to some?  I prefer having one and do not want anymore...so imagine if I came and dumped several kids, a workload, finances, cleaning and cooking on a single mother with three kids...

  For this attitude, apparently, I sleep around...this is why I am single. Nobody can account for married and attached people on the dating scene pretending to be single while cheating.  I am apparently not supposed to have an issue with this. I  have never dated a married person.  You can kind of tell but maybe some are good at deceiving others.   Why would I or anyone else want to share a spouse or lover?  I mean, please....and some people were trying to justify the right of married people to do this and deceive people on the dating scene, like we're supposed to just shut up and be thankful for any attention while they screw around..what about their spouses?  I mean, it is opportunistic.

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