• Zayda said on Oct 28, 2007....

  Alyss-- I've been reading your posts about your DH for some time now. And I know that there is much you also hold back. I can see that behind your words. Plus, you have several times before that you don't want to always make him out to be the bad guy.
  
  From all your previous blogs and discussions of the things he has done, it has struck me that he's not always overly aware of how things he does impact you/make you feel. He's always come across as strangely out of touch with the needs and feelings of the woman he is married to and perhaps a little out of touch with his own emotions.
  
  
  However...and this is a big, however...if he seemed to be purposely expounding on how your best friend's visit was only an afterthought, then it seems to me that DH was being stupidly manipulative and trying to make you feel resentful and jealous.
  
  
  

• silverwhisper said on Oct 28, 2007....

  i don't think there's any insight absent from what super z has said, alyss.
  
  frankly, i think your husband is a stupid ass. and to be perfectly honest, so do you, don't you?
  
  ed

• Alyss said on Oct 28, 2007....

  SuperZ, he is so out of touch with his feelings that I don't think he's had much of a clue about mine for quite some time.  What I'm struggling with here is was he deliberately being  unkind and, as you said, manipulative or was it just plain straight forward blindness about how what he said could be taken?
  
  ed, I don't know what to think!
  
  It felt like gloating, it really did but why would he do that? I just don't understand. =(
  

• gingersoul said on Oct 28, 2007....

  Alyss...how can you be surprised? Your still husband wanted just give you a slap in the face....and it succedeed evidently ..because there you are questioning his motivations..

  Simply put......he is just this immature and revengeful...

  I would have just said to him....."I cherish his friendship and i don't really care who has been visited first. A friend will be always welcome in my home"....

  Be strong, Alyss....dont let him get you...:-)

   

• silverwhisper said on Oct 28, 2007....

  alyss: why would he do that? look at the second sentence in my comment, my friend.
  
  ed

• lfbno7 said on Oct 28, 2007....

  If I were you, I'd call him on it.  I'd hit him right between the eyes with it.  Because what he did really sucks.  I wouldn't let it pass.  If he answers that he was simply telling the truth, I wouldn't let it end there.  I'd make all the points you just made, and make sure that they had an impact.  His words were meant to hurt you.  He needs to acknowledge that.  He needs to fucking fix it too.

• CreativeWoman said on Oct 28, 2007....

  Alyss,
  Perhaps your DH was just being childish. That doesn't excuse it because he knows it hurts you.  That's probably why he did it. 
  
  Here's a {hug} for you.
  
  CW
  

• Mamie said on Oct 28, 2007....

  I agree with Ginger...it was supposed to diss you and make you mad. Truth is, who cares where he was "first"...it is childish and spiteful. Do not give any power to his manipulation and it will disappear into thin air....sorry your feelings were hurt! *mwah!!*
  mamie

• LadyGamer said on Oct 28, 2007....

  *hugs*

• MissMimi said on Oct 29, 2007....

  Alyss, I notice you call him "DH", that meaning "dear husband" in chatspeak?

  He certainly isn't being D-anything to you.  I think you ought to just let him have it.  Tell him exactly how petty and mean-spirited he is.  Tell him, he hurt you, and to knock it off.  Seems like it doesn't matter anymore why he did it.  The point is he did it.  And I'm willing to bet he did it for the sole purpose of belittling you.  You don't deserve that kind of treatment from anybody.  I'm sorry he's such an ass.

  Sorry to be so blunt.  It just ticks me off when people are deliberately cruel.

   

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  i lived with that back and forth feeling for a long time......is he doing this on purpose? or is he doing this cause he's just blind and stupid and unaware.
  
  what i finally realized is that IT REALLY DIDN'T MATTER.  i deserved more than what i got for YEARS before i finally decided i'd had enough.......IF and that's a BIG if. .....IF he is unaware of your feelings...and has obviously made little or no effort to change that....it is just as bad or worse than him doing it on purpose.
  do you really want to be the woman he can't even get shit together enough to even care if he is hurting or not??? NO. you don't.
  at least if he's doing it on purpose you can know that he's noticing you. .........enough to hurt you.
  
  *sigh* and looking at it that way....it's sick.
  you have a LIFE to live........and LOVE yourself.
  love yourself enough to not have a man like that in your life.
  

• EvilTwin said on Oct 29, 2007....

  [Hugs] love...  I'm not quite sure what to say about that at this moment; too many expletives are coming to mind.  Just try not to let it get to you.  Be strong beloved.  <Shares my strength with you>
   
   

• silverwhisper said on Oct 29, 2007....

  alyss: btw, if i were you i'd be rather cross with this visiting friend.
  
  ed

• sweetsoul said on Oct 29, 2007....

  Alyss...being divorced, I know that everyone isn't as generous as you are with shared friends...and even if they are, the friends often feel like they have to choose. It's just too uncomfortable for them.

  My comment to you is that your husband's comments were purposeful. I'm hearing 'nah, nah, nah, nah, nah...he chose me first' coming out of your husband's lips. :D He called to tell you so he could gloat. I can't say he was thinking about you...but my guess is it made him feel better.

  As the old saying goes...you can't change him, only yourself. So every time he pulls something like this, just use it to confirm that you made the right decision about him.

  And unlike some others, I wouldn't be so quick to write off your friend. You don't know if your husband's comments are true, your friend might have always planned to visit you...and as I said, some people find it a difficult balancing act between separated/divorcing couples...doesn't mean their heart isn't in the right place.

• RollingC said on Oct 29, 2007....

  Relationships can be tricky and difficult at times....not to mention marriages.  Sorry to hear that you are in a spot where you feel the bumps on the road more than your life companion. I know the feeling but being straightforward is sometimes the best way.  Maybe if you put your issues on the table he'll do the same and you can work something out and at least be on the same page.
  Wishing you the best.
  Rc
  

• destinydiva said on Oct 29, 2007....

  (((((((hugs)))))))
  destiny xx
  

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  i hope i didn't overstep my place in my comments to you. i didn't used to be so outspoken about stuff like this........maybe cause i'm still hurting from what i went through....if so...i'm sorry.
  
  

• Battycat said on Oct 29, 2007....

  {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

• Alyss said on Oct 29, 2007....

  Thank you again everyone for your opinions. It really does help me as sometimes I really don't know if I am over reacting or seeing things that simply aren't there.
  
  Thank you LG, Battycat & Destiny  for the hugs I sure could have used one last night.
  
  Fallyn, don't apologise for sharing your opinion. For me each offers another perspective and I am trying to be rational about things.
  
  RC, I think I may let this pass uncommented and hope for better things in the future. If it happens again I will mention it to him.
  
  SweetSoul, I am certain my friend would never deliberately upset me. We have been friends for far too long. The fault was not his and I do not blame him at all. What I must do is not allow DH's comments to be a wedge between my friend and I. Like Ginger & Mamie said my friend will always be welcome regardless of where he may have been first and I will not let any spite or pettiness be the cause of discord between us.
  
  Mimi, yes DH as in dear, damned, disastrous...
  
  CW, You see I don't know if he was being deliberately unkind or whether he simply didn't see how I could take it. He certainly can be very dense at times... < shrug >
  
  
  

• Fallyn said on Oct 29, 2007....

  thankyou.  this whole militant protective woman thing is rather new to me......and im not always sure what to do with the feeling

• skald said on Oct 29, 2007....

  Seems like he had to boast. But I am sure that the friend meant to come to you anyway. Anyway I might be wrong as I don't know DH. Just really saying hello and that I read you. 

• crybabylu said on Oct 31, 2007....

  DH sounds like a very insensitive person, to me.  I could say worse, but I am trying to be ladylike.

• carmachu said on Nov 01, 2007....

  "But why did DH have to expound further that the visit to me was an after thought?"

   

   

  Because he's an immature ass and doesnt care how you feel. I admire your restaint, but sometimes I wish you'd just cut loose on him when he deserves it. This was one of those times. You should have asked him.

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