I started my new job last week, and so far it's been...well, a little odd.  At my last job, I was a "fundraising associate," so I had to do a little bit of everything: write grants and reports, help plan and carry out fundraising events, help put out the annual report and the newsletter, and, oh, run the organization's entire AmeriCorps/VISTA program (you know, in my spare time).  I loved my boss, the people I worked with were great, and the organization did amazing work; but I felt like I had so many different tasks to accomplish that I could never do any of them well.  Before I'd even been there a year, I could feel the burn-out starting and began secretly looking for another job.

And -- I got one! which I started last week.  My title is either Grant Writer.  Or Manager of Corporate and Foundation Grants, I'm not sure which (it was listed one way on my offer letter and another way on the organizational chart).  But either way, I'm mainly to concentrate on grant-writing.  !lus, it's a 20% pay increase!  I've worked there nine days, and so far it's been a strange experience.  Mainly because no one has trained me on anything.  Johanna, my officemate (we share one office that has two desks), took me around and introduced me to everyone.  But their two annual fundraising events were last week, so they were all too busy to do much with me.  I was there three days before my computer was set up.  I didn't even meet with the HR guy and get on the payroll 'till I'd been there six days.  No one has told me about or trained me on office procedures, like filling out time sheets, which I just found out about today (I don't even know who I'm supposed to turn mine in to).

I did finally meet with the executive director yesterday, who outlined broadly the next few projects she wants me to try to get funding for.  But I haven't even seen any of the other grants that have been submitted or anything.  So basically I've just been on the Foundation Center web site, getting information on any grants we may qualify for, though I have no way of knowing if we've already gotten any funding from any of these sources previously.  The whole thing feels a little disorganized.

Then today I met with one of the unit heads.  She started by asking me about my experience, how much money I'd raised at my last organization, etc.  I felt like I was on a job interview!  Over the course of 20 minutes, she ran through (pretty much literally -- I was struggling to write it all down fast enough) the projects she wants us to get funded, in a very cut-and-dried way.  I tried to ask a few questions, but she didn't give me much time to ask them.  I began to wonder if I was asking stupid questions.  I requested if copies of some grants that had been written, since I haven't seen any.  "I'll photocopy those and drop them off with you," she said crisply.

I left her office after that.

I'm grateful to have this position, and I'm especially thankful for the salary increase -- but what if I don't write good enough grant proposals, don't raise any money, and therefore get fired?  I feel like I've been dropped off in a foreign city without a map!

I don't want to get fired.  Or maybe I secretly do.  I was unemployed for almost a year back in 2002-2003, and I didn't like being poor, but I loved the freedom.

But I would feel ashamed to get fired for doing a bad job.  And I would feel even more ashamed of how the paying off of my credit card debt would have to screech to a halt. 

So I hope I don't get fired.