Dear ex-lover,
I'm writing this here and now because I'm trying to resist actually ringing or texting you. I miss you so much. There's a big whole in my heart and nothing's filling it. I can't concentrate on anything because you were and are my permanent distraction. I've been told and know I need to move on, I just wish I could not love you. It would make this so much easier.
You're with your family now. I know they're going through a crisis and you're hurting (in the fullest capacity you're capable of hurting). And all I want to do is hold you and make it alright. Not just for you. I'm not that selfless. For me, too. I want the comfort of your arms around me. I want to lay on your chest and feel your heartbeat ringing through my own head, echoing my own. My full heart that is only yours.
You don't need me now. Probably never did. I want you to. I can't understand you not wanting me. I'm the desperate girl just holding onto whatever was. Pretending I can just be your good, strong friend. I text you and you answer...but don't ask how I am. You don't care. You rang me on Tuesday, but I think you felt obliged. I rang you yesterday and tried to stay lighthearted, but I'm broken. I've been beaten down and you're not there to lift me. You're not easing my pain. And I hate you and love you at the same time.
You are indifferent. You say you still love me, but I think you just don't want to hurt my feelings. You like that I care about you, without having to give anything in return. And I can't escape you. If I'm awake, there's a continuous dull ache (better than the stabbing it felt like before). When I'm asleep, I cry even then and dream about you. I wake several times and instinctively reach for you.
I wonder if it would be worse if you died. Because then at least I could pretend you left this world still loving me. Instead, I'm left with the knowledge that you're still out there and just not wanting me back. The certainty of you moving on to some other girl. One that won't challenge you or push you fulfill your highest potential. And you will love her, you will want her, you will need her. And I will be no part of your daily life. You won't think of me, other then as a small blip in your history of failed romances.
In just a couple more weeks we won't even be friends. That, too, will fizzle out. Not because I want it to, but because I will be forced to accept ultimate defeat. Who will I talk to? Who will I share my heart and soul with? Who has ever understood that before? No one. And who will make me feel safe and secure in a way I never thought would be possible?
Do you think of me? Do you miss me in bed? Do you miss my caresses? Do you miss me rubbing your back after a hard day? Do you miss my kisses in the morning? Do you miss holding my hand? Do you miss holding me on the bus, in the cinema, out at dinner? Do you miss the look in my eyes when all my love is blasting at you? Do you miss me at all? Will you ever, at all?
I miss you my darling. As much as so many things were so very wrong, I miss all the things that were very right. How do I breathe without the one who made every moment worth it? How do I plan a future when everything I think of still has you in it?
And now I know you will move away. You have no reason to stay in this town. And I won't know you. And it will kill me, but you will be just fine. I still wish you every happiness, truly. And I do hope you will find your 'one', if such a thing exists. I just wish with all my heart that it was me.
I miss you, you are my heart. I love you and will continue to do, even beyond the point when I am nothing to you. Know that somewhere, I am loving you and supporting you. I believe in you, even if you never believed in yourself, in me or in 'us'.
Your baby no more,
topaz
