I don't even know how to describe what it is I want to say right now.  I was sitting in class today thinking about a conversation I once had with Sara about my being gay and the fact that if it were a choice for me then I wouldn't be because of the hurt it would cause my father.  A couple years later I have this conversation with my dad about college graduations...

"You and grandma are coming down for the weekend right?"

"Yes, but we haven't made any plans just yet."

"yeah thats fine but I need to talk to you about that.  See Kellyn's parents don't know we live together and if they did...well Kellyn's life would not be very pleasant.  This means I am going to have to stay with you in the hotel room that weekend.  And I you won't get to see Kellyn."

I hear my dad sigh, "Look, when your child comes out to you, whether you agree with what there life is or not, you have a choice to make.  I made the choice to love and support you; I am not saying I am the perfect role model, no one is.  The fact of the matter is, as parents you always choose and the choice can destroy your child.  You tell Kellyn that she can spend that weekend with her family and you can stay with us.  Tell her I support you both one hundred and ten percent and you tell her if she needs anything at all from me, to call."

"Thanks dad."

And so next time I saw Kellyn I explained this to her.  She was relieved obviously.  I thought that would help her, us out.  It didn't and now I find myself wondering what her next excuse will be.  So far she's been telling me that she is stressed about graduation and what to do about our families and that is why she is distant.  Without that as a problem maybe we'll figure out what the real problem is.

Slowly but surly this is killing me, I don't even know if I can let myself love....anyone...including her, the way I once did.  Its sad, it hurts, i love her so much and yet...I am numbed.