this experience i haven't shared with anyone. i just don't feel comfortable sharing this sad and painful past to any of the people that i can see eye to eye. maybe that i why, i'm more comfortable expressing my thoughts on this here.

this happened about 8 years ago. i was in a place where everything was new except for the job i had. new office, new faces, new streets, new schedule, new everything else. there was nothing familiar in that place and i longed for comfort and, i guess, a friendly face in the crowd. back then, that was a pretty exciting phase in my life. i was young(er) and i would say a little naive.

actually this started when an officemate set me up on a blind date with one of his college friends. well, i thought (back then) that it was okay because my officemate knew the guy i was going to meet. so to cut the chase, we met. he was just so-so. by that i mean, not really good looking (to my eyes at least), but he was funny (in fairness to him).

we had dinner in one of restaurants in the mall, if i remembered that right. then we went bar hopping after. food. dancing. booze. and unfortunately unconsentual sex. i got drunk, i believe that was for the first time. (oh well, actually i did got to have experiences of taking in alcohol more than i can handle but usually i was with a bunch of people i could say i really trust). this time it was different. i could remember the things that happned but i felt that i was just an on looker who doesn't have any control of what was going on. but i remembered everything, i remembered begging him to stop and asking him not to do it... and i remembered crying helplessly as i was lying there him on top of me doing the things that i didn't want him to do to me. i remembered staggering up after a few hours of motionless silence in that room. i went to bathroom in hopes that i could wash away all the soarness and the guilt and the shame that have just happened. and i cried. (this is probably why i don't want to do this, to share this because everything comes crushing back to me... the pain, the anger, and the shame)

i went home that day feeling really angry at myself for allowing that to happen to me. it was the feeling of utter helplessness that made me more furious than the sexual assault itself. it took me more time to heal than i could ever imagine. he unwittingly took my self esteem and self respect. and i hated him for that. day by day after that incident, i had to work hard to psyche myself up just to bring back my vigor for life and for the love of being. but it was really hard especially that i had to do this all on my own because i was too embarassed to tell anyone about what happened. among family, friends and collegues, i had to put up a front though inside i was slowly consumed by that experience.

up to this day none of the people who knows me knew any of this. up to this day, i still die a little inside each time i remember ... and i'm desperately trying not to anymore :(