Something happened to me that has happened in the past  and I am sure it will happen again in the future, and it PISSES ME OFF

I was told, “you speak so well” now why should this bother me. It’s just that I am Black, living in the USA and I guess to speak English correctly, is something unusual. This statement is always done by someone of the White persuasion thinking they are giving me a complement. IT IS NOT!!! It is what a I call a “for a” statement. Which means, that for a *igger… I speak well, come on it doesn’t take much to speak coherently. It has never led to me getting a better job, lover or money. I wonder why it is okay for people to say this to me. I have asked my white friends how many times they have had someone tell them this and almost none of them have, but my black friends say it happens to them as well. Example, I was a volunteer coordinator at a hospice, I spoke in front of many people for trainings and seminars, we have trainees fill out a card to make comments, all the comments about me were about how well I spoke. If speaking well were to get me a great job, maybe I could be president, cuz George Dubya sure can put together sentences…right.  I get so conflicted by this, I love that I am black, the fullness of my hips, and lips, my nappy dreads that hang down my back, I love the richness of all those who have come before me and tried to make this country great, but when I hear these kinds of statements, I wonder if this country will ever see me as an equal, will the color of my skin be a non factor in my accomplishments? I am struck by W.E. B DuBois statement

 It is a peculiar sensation, this double consciousness, this sense of always looking at one’s self through the eyes of others, of measuring ones soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt and pity. One ever feels his two-ness, - an American, a Negro two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder

I so feel this right now, like I will never be able to see my whole self, without thinking how it will be seen by those around me. That my sucesses will be preceded by my color. That "For a " will always be present in my life.

I don’t know how to get over this anger, the older I get the more it bothers me. I don’t ever want little one to hear this and have the same sense of resentment I do.

I speak well, I am intelligent.

I know some of you will say I am being overly sensitive, but honestly how many of you (white) have called somewhere made an appointment and then when you arrive and they see your Black face tell you no appointment was ever made for you and refuse to make another one?

This has happened to me more occasions than I care to admit.

Okay, now I’m crying…

So sad that I can not as an American stand on equal ground with other Americans, sad that I don’t know how to make a difference, sad that, things have not changed much since Dubois wrote his words in1903.

So very sad.