"You cut me open and I keep bleeding."

I wish I really did have an open wound. It would make more sense. Because this inner bleeding hurts so much, I'd like to let it out.

On Saturday morning I went to see him, because I still didn't have an answer about where we stand. He was saying he was confused, and didn't know if he could 'change for me'. I'm at his house and we're both crying and he's saying all these things about how I'm not happy and he can't be the person I want. He's trying to make me end it. When I won't, he finally says he loves me, but he's not 'in love' with me, so he can't change for me. I didn't want him to change. I just wanted to be by his side as he continued on his journey. To look into your love's eyes and have him tell you he's not in love...undescribable. But, really, like your whole world is crashing in. These past two nights I was weak and went over there to sleep. We slept together on Monday. And I am pathetic. I should have more self respect or something. But I have no shame. It hurts when I'm with him, but so much less painful than when we're apart. I'm a maniac, checking my phone every two seconds. Tried to study yesterday in the library and left my phone at home so I wouldn't think about it. I ended up staying only ten minutes, because I was desperate to know if he contacted me. Like what? He'll change his mind? I know there's no going back, not after that was said. But I can't get it together. I'm not eating and just smoking cigarette after cigarette. I'm trying to book-up my calendar, but I just feel empty. I know I can't go over to his place anymore. He'll go home for a week to visit his family, and that will be a good forced separation. Every night for the past six months we have shared a bed. And now to not, feels just wrong. It feels better when he holds me; I can pretend none of it happened, that the hurt is gone. He's using me. He's less lonely, still has me to talk to, but doesn't have to 'be with me'. Why can't I just walk away? There's nothing left for me to hold on to. I just don't understand. Last week he was showing me engagement rings, and we were excited about him coming to meet my family for Christmas...getting engaged then. We were still looking for a flat to move in together. And just like that. Was he just pretending? He says I'm the best girl he's ever met and so he wanted it to be me. And he didn't want to hurt me. So how long was he lying to me about our love? And even now he says that he'd still like it to work with us, in the future. I'm the only girl he ever imagined marrying, so he thinks it will still happen. But him saying that only makes it worse. Because I know that cannot and never will be. He's just trying to make himself feel better. I'm such a mess. I want something to take this away. I wish he could take my hurt. And I keep resolving that I'm done with the tears, but I know I'm not. I'm crying for this moment now, for the loss of my best friend, and mostly for the future that seemed so real--the life I was going to share with him. I was and do remain an idiot in love. I really should just sit out the game from now on. x