I've again observed this certain kind of excessiveness in behavior that is more pronounce with deprived people who have learned to earn money for themselves. The depravity that poverty cause them to suffer when they are young. I was one of them. The compulsive- raging need to prove that you can now afford to buy the things that you used to only dream about.

Last saturday there was a party in our neighborhood. A child turned one. and the parents though both jobless and depend only on the man's relatives for their needs have afforded to spend some 20K or more for a day of booze and flaunts. I guess it made them feel better with themselves. but I don't think anyone was fooled. Everyone knows that they did not earn anything that was spent for that flamboyant party. Everyone knows that it all came from someone else's sweat and effort. from the family's breadwinner who traded her body in japan in exchange for the quick cash and immediate comfort that it will give to her family who never had the ability to stand on their own two feet.

The whole barangay was fed. The iron liver club (mga talamak na lasenggo sa kanto) were all red and smiling their toothless grin as if christmas came early. Everybody joined in their celebration while the birthday celebrant was made to sleep early so that he won't be a bother to them.

such is the life of the poor deprived filipino who will do everything just to mask the fact that he is poor. I remember the first time I got my own salary. I was estatic. I wanted to buy new clothes and gadgets. I never want to think of the house expenses. I just want to spend it all and look all shiny and new. I said to myself- I never have to wear raggedy shoes with holes in the soles.

but when i got home, reality hits me just as bad. The basic needs expenses without the excesses is more than I can pay for.

The next time i got my salary I was saner. Though that compulsive overwhelming need to spend is still in me, I had fought it because I realized that it will not make me a better person. It will not buy back those times of suffering and deprivation. My desire to get away from poverty is stronger.

When I see the same behavior on other people- people who earned even less and have more financial burden and yet can afford to buy nike shoes and guess clothes and high tech cellphones-

I got scared for them. Because they thought they left poverty behind when they started to earn money on their own and the bills though getting higher each month will be payed on the next payday. It was an illusion. They have fallen back maybe even deeper into the clutches of poverty without realizing it. It's the vicious cycle of overspending and complacency and stupid pride.

A typical filipino will do everything for his stupid pride.

Before I used to get really insecure when I noticed that everyone else is wearing signature clothes and things while i'm wearing a plain shirt and jeans that was bought in tutuban and 168 mall. when everyone else is using a camera phone while I'm using nokia 1100. When I never can afford to treat my friends for lunch or dinner even if it's my birthday. When every girls will have their hair rebonded and look as sleek as shampoo commercial models and mine will be flyaway and pony tailed. it was never easy to be poor and look like it.

And so I was shy and stayed away from all social functions and activity.

But then I felt better about myself when I got to know some of those people. Those who always look shiny and new. Japorms and high class. I've seen them from what they actually worth and pity them. the theme of their lives is always to impress and make other people beleive that they are something else. They were living for social acceptance and norms. I wonder when will they start to live for themselves.

I started to see myself in a different way and noticed my own worth. I may not be as sophisticated but at least I know what I'm living for. and it's not for the society's acceptance. and time will come that I will have all the money in the world to spend and I know it will be worth it. It will have more meaning and It will make me feel better because I will be doing it for myself and not because i want people to like me.

they will never know how rich I am. in all sense.