Sometimes it feels so self-obsessed to write a blog, but who else could I vent to? Somehow it makes me feel better putting it in words and throwing my thoughts out into the universe. Like somewhere, someone or something might pick them up and toss me back a life vest or a bit of something to hold on to. Kind of like a prayer to God, I suppose.

I'm so angry with myself. I couldn't just leave it. I had to keep texting and ringing him. Made an ass of myself at work, because I just couldn't keep it together and had bursts of tears and had to ring him all throughout my shift. Maybe he's right. Maybe I am weak. I don't know. And after all of that, I go to his house, fucking 1 am, to 'talk'. Bullshit. He acted like I've never seen him before. He was just mean. And his tone was so harsh. He said he loved me, but there was no love at all in his voice. Just anger. He said I live too much 'in his back pocket', that I'm weak and how I react when I'm angry is pathetic. That hurt so much. I walk away when I'm hurt or angry. I think it's a natural defense mechanism, and it's better then being a person who lashes out. I don't like confrontation, but I deal with it if I must. I don't get what he means about the living in his back pocket. We both work fulltime, plus I'm a fulltime university student, I volunteer every week and meet up with my friends. I have an independent life and don't need to be with him every second (obviously). The only time we ever really spend together is like an hour before we fall asleep because we're both so exhausted. He won't let me meet his friends, and he never invites me out if he's going out. Not that he has to everytime, but sometimes would be nice. All my friends have told me this is a dangerous warning sign. He says he wants to keep work and home separate, but his work people are also his friends. So I don't see a distinction. The other people he goes out with also bring their SO's...so why wouldn't he want me there? I never assume that I'm spending a day or a night with him. I always ask if he has plans or if he's busy, etc. What more can I do? I don't get it. The only time I'm upset when he goes out is when he blows off plans with me AND doesn't bother to let me know, so I'm stuck waiting for the fucker. He was very biting last night, and said that he's young and he likes to go out now and again. He said he didn't know what was wrong with me, because I didn't. I like to go out now and again, but I think it's a waste of money that I work so hard for, to spend it all on alcohol. I don't like how other people are, and most importantly how I am when drunk. So I've pulled back from that whole scene. Maybe that makes me too old or boring or whatever...but I'm just over that whole thing now. And he's just starting. I guess in a man, 23 is still very young, and he's going to be immature and foolish and want to make an arse of himself getting drunk and whatever.

Ugh...there's just so much that is so very wrong. But I love him so much and when we're together, things are so good. We laugh and understand each other. I could tell him anything, and vice versa. How do you know when the broken bits are irreparable?

And now he says he doesn't even know if he wants to be with me, so I guess there might not be any going back. He says he doesn't think I'm ready for a serious relationship....I think when he says that he should be holding a mirror up to himself. I'm so hurt and frustrated and angry. But I don't know what to do? Is it best to just let it go? I never know which advice to take....if it's too much struggle, it's probably not worth it; or don't turn away when you most want to, hold onto what you know to be true in your heart.

So cliche...but that song "Sometimes love just ain't enough"...ringing so very true.