Here's my cheery review of the 12 signs.
Aries. Annoyingest pushiest people on earth. But in actuality they want to meet someone who will kick their ass, because they are secret masochists.
Taurus. Dumb as cows, stubborn as mules. All they want to do is sit in a bubble bath all day. Taurus guys fall for women who treat them like shit.
Gemini. Think they're smart but actually just spin their wheels. Great at lying and cheating. Talk a good game but are full of shit.
Cancer. Like to have their cake and eat it too, meaning they cheat and sneak and hide it from hubby or wifey. Get into self indulgent moods and need to shut up and grow up.
Leo. Obnoxious as all hell, think they rule the world, think they're entitled. Utterly self centered. Hey, I blew my nose, fix it for me will ya! Want service. Only good thing about a Leo guy is that he loves to go down on girls.
Virgo. Will never ever ever stop complaining and criticizing. Sexually weird, either a cold blooded ho or a cold blooded neurotic. Logic be damned, my mind is made up!
Libra. Substitutes logic for intelligence and comes up with something very odd. Still can't figure out what planet they're on.
Scorpio. Weird as all hell. You think they're normal, but then you start to get to know them, and HOLY SHIT is all I can say.
Sagittarius. Unfit to be in a human relationship. Unfit to live indoors. Should be out grazing somewhere under the moon.
Capricorn. Cash is king. Power is all. Very polite and considerate to those at the top of the food chain. Uriah Heep.
Aquarius. Calling Tellstar, calling Tellstar, come in Tellstar. Only possible reaction to an Aquarius is "huh?"
Pisces. Living in a world of dreams, would love to be untroubled by reality, taking care of nuttin.
lfbno7 posted on Oct 07, 2007
| views: 379
Comments
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kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....
My responses to the ones where I actually know someone who is that sign:
Taurus: My EC, and he would love to sit in a bubble bath all day, sipping on a glass of white wine, surrounded by candles. And when he gets out of the tub, he would like to wrap himself up in a nice, warm wedding dress. Women who treat him like shit? Well, I didn't, but some may have interpreted it that way, and I could see the potential, because he wants people to like him so much that he just plays cameleon.
Cancer: A wee, leprechaun artist that I met in Ireland... living off the dole for 15 years (more than 20 by now)... spent most of his time smoking hash, finding new 26 year old playmates (had something about numbers), cheated on girlfriend non-stop, but didn't hide it from her. Definitely not ready for the adult world.
Scorpio: That's me!
Sagittarius: My boyfriend in Mexico. Unable to relate to the idea that there is another point of view besides his own. Did well in moonlight.
Aquarius: My father. Don't really see what you're getting at here, unless you mean...where did all that rage come from?
Pisces: My ex-husband. I think you got this one wrong. Was very responsible and lived very much in the real world. Deathly afraid of dreams... especially mine.
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destinydiva said on Oct 07, 2007....
hey I am sagitarius!!!! uhhh!!! :-) xx -
lfbno7 said on Oct 07, 2007....
well kruu, i was just being contrary because that's me through and through. you never read utterly insulting descriptions of all of the signs, so i felt that it behooved me to correct that. it was my answer to:
aries - you're the sexiest. taurus - you're the best lover. gemini - you're the best kisser. cancer - you give the best head. leo - no, you give the best head. virgo - you are the best at everything. libra - you're the prettiest. scorpio - you're the sexiest. sag - you're the whatever. cap - you're so kissable. aquarius - you're the most wonderful. pisces - you're the fishiest.
des, have you ever actually been in a human relationship? (ducking) ha! - ya missed me again. owww, fuck! your aim is getting better in your old age.
i think there is some truth to the things i wrote, but it only applies to a percentage of the sign, doesn't have a very close correlation. for example, only 99.63% of aries people are actually pushy monsters seeking someone who will dominate, spank and whip them. that's a far cry from 100%.
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gingersoul said on Oct 07, 2007....
LF...you should try this new carrier.....you are damn good.....lol..
Taurus:....well, its me....and i would love to sit in a babble bath all day doing nothing.....oh, wait, its what i am doing right now...see? And yes, i am stubborn as a mule even though still slightly smarter than a cow..i think....
Aries...my ex husband.....gosh, so true about the pushing thing and the masochistic one.......just consider his new wife...
Gemini...my daughter....i always tell her she would make a great lawyer..or a liar...that's the same....
Capricorn ....my ex's new wife.....Cash Queen ...she is very considerate of the ka-ching sound.....she is a redneck golddigger ....
Leo...my father...King of the world......i dont even want to think about the "down with the girls" thing though....
Scorpio.....my ex long term boyfriend....holy shit is all i can tell you....
Sagittarius ..my mother....totally unfit to have "normal" relationships with people yet people loves her...
Virgo...my last boyfriend.....sexually weird, his mind was in spinning mode all the time about things that usually would drive me nuts..
I would buy your new book ......will you sign it for me?..
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lfbno7 said on Oct 07, 2007....
Gingy, notice I said Taurus guys fall for women who treat them like shit and I didn't say the same about Taurus girls. Taurus girls like to be treated well.
I have conducted a formal survey of Leo males and have found that 100.6% of them are never happier than when their faces are buried quite deeply in between a woman's legs. Sorry.
Of course I'll sign the book for you. I would do anything for you. And kru and desi and margie and ella.
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kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....
Oh, I forgot about Leo... and you were right on about him EXCEPT for the muff diving. My Leo guy was an arrogant asshole and the second worst lover I ever had. Not only did he refuse to do oral sex, but as he approached orgasm after his initial jackhammer approach, he would fling me off of him and finish himself off, all the while grunting like Cheetah the baboon in the old Tarzan series. -
evil_twin said on Oct 07, 2007....
Interesting astrological readings! Hmm. Well as a Cancer, I have to say that I've never cheated on anyone and I never will. The rest of it though? Maybe.
-evil_twin LA
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nursecutie said on Oct 07, 2007....
I am a pisces.........I do like to live in a dream but I still get things done. Most of the time! LOL
This was funny :)
xxoo natalie xxoo
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confuzzledwife said on Oct 07, 2007....
I'm a Capricorn.. lol- yeah that fit me pretty good :) -
GrapeKoolaid said on Oct 07, 2007....
Libra: Guilty as charged. In every way. -
lfbno7 said on Oct 07, 2007....
Kruu, let me get this straight and see if I understand it perfectly. It is much too important to just let go by. You had a Leo boyfriend, and when he was close to orgasm he actually picked you up and threw you away from him, and then he would grab his organ and pull on it while grunting like a babboon. Wow. That's pretty far out. How did you ever lose him? He's a rare prize.
I had a Leo girlfriend once. She used to burn her own arms. I thought she was a masochist so I pinched her, but she said to stop so of course I stopped. She knit me a beautiful scarf. Her name is Gwenn and she is a southern belle. She never threw me off her and never grunted like a babboon, but then again we were both virgins and everything we did would be considered foreplay.
Evil and Cutie, you are my and Kruu's fellow water signs. The water signs are Cancer, Pisces and Scorpio, and Kruu and I are Scorpio. You have to watch out for us cause Scorpios are kooky. Think Rickie Lee Jones, Natalie Merchant and Joni Mitchell. Nothing normal going on there.
Confuzzled Wife, Linda Goodman had a quote for you Caps. It's better to love where there is money. Actually, I kind of like that myself. I'm sick of being the breadwinner and sole support more or less. I want a wife making at least $20,000. That would be one hell of a raise for me.
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destinydiva said on Oct 07, 2007....
your pushing your luck mr 7!!!!!! I am very almost offended... :-(
sagitarious....... crap spellers....great lovers.....get bored easily... but easily entertained.... caring... giving.... cheeky...naughty!!!
there thats my sagitarious description...I think it suits me pretty well!!! :-) xx
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lfbno7 said on Oct 07, 2007....
sagittarius. brilliant, kind, witty, exceptional in every way, darling, cute, funny, deep thinking, very sexy, ok how am i doing now?
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kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....
Hmmmm, people tell me I look like Joni Mitchell... or is that Judy Collins? I get them mixed up. Do they look alike? Anyway, you got the "technique" down pretty well. He was a rare something, alright... and, of course, convinced that he was the world's greatest lover, because it came so "naturally" for him. Ha! -
destinydiva said on Oct 07, 2007....
hmmmm mr7....the tears of pain and hurt are just about stopping.... keep going.... gonna take you a lot more grovelling to make up for it ya know!!! :-)
x
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lfbno7 said on Oct 07, 2007....
Kruu, it's Joni Mitchell. You look like her. You don't look like Judy Collins. Joni is a Scorpio like you.
They both have beautiful voices but Joni writes all her own material and has dabbled in all sorts of music while Judy is mostly a folk singer.
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confuzzledwife said on Oct 07, 2007....
lfbno7-
I actually earn $30,000 a year between child support and disability- prior to my disability I was earning $48,000.. I loved my job, and miss it - oh well :(
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lfbno7 said on Oct 07, 2007....
desi, i'd love to see you cry. that sounds so sweet. cry. wait, lemme get an onion.
fuzzy wife, if my wife earned $48,000 we'd be traveling all over the world and wouldn't have a financial care. as it is, she comes in with less than 1/10th of that and we got bills out the wazoo, for which i am tapping into my life savings. between dental bills and electrician bills and college tuition we are pretty well cooked.
oh wait, i must comfort lil desi. aww honey you are so good. There, that oughta do it.
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gingersoul said on Oct 07, 2007....
LF......oh, yes...we Taurus girls like to be treated well....but that's because we treat men well too....very well.....maybe too much...
Kruu..absolutely.....you look like.... Joni Mitchell and John Denver mixed together......i think i already agreed with you on this....:-)
Grape......uhmm......why this doesn't suprise me at all?....:-)
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Me-Myself&I said on Oct 07, 2007....
well, well....i am a Leo, obnoxious as hell...thank you very much.
I do rule my world!
Yes, i'm entitled, darn tooten- i work hard.
Only time i'm self-centered is when i am having a pity party!
No one touches my nose!
Wanting service, huh......well, get on with it. like right now. **smile**
I'm a gal, now what, so.......? (wink)
lol That was cute, see ya
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ellamae14 said on Oct 08, 2007....
haha. i'm an aries. pushy monsters? ok, i admit. :) about the masochists thing- I don't think so. Maybe the description of sagittarius- unfit to have human relationship. yep, that's appropriate.
Where can I get my book copy with your signature? :D -
lfbno7 said on Oct 08, 2007....
It's pretty short for a book. I think it's about one page so far. Well, I guess if I get a great illustrator to do a few dozen pix, and somebody to write an introduction for 300 pages, maybe we can stretch that one page into a book. Be happy to autograph it for you.
I'm re-reading it, why I don't know, and it's pretty funny. It's also funny how everyone likes it.
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