I resurrected an expanded AIM profile tonight. From my funny quotes page (all taken from actual AIM conversations I've had, unless otherwise noted):

my brother, on perhaps not-so-inevitable deaths in Guild Wars: 'Gotta have KOs' does not equal 'want to be shot in the arse.'

"That's not global warming; that's my wife!"
-DH, making fun of my space-heater qualities

"Sometimes I'm pondering the meaning of life, and sometimes my beard just itches."
-facially furry friend on the mystery behind his chin-scratching gesture

Friend: [you] familiar with that emily dickinson poem that goes "hope is the thing with feathers" and such?
Me: yeah...?
Friend: well apparently my hope is a phoenix, and it farted and lit it just to see how big a bang it could make.

BFF: Well, I gotta go pay my cell phone bill so I can make brownies...
Me: *opens oven* Can you hear me now?

Friend: Apparently I look pretty intimidating naked.

Here's a good example of my mumblese and accent hard at work (from a real-life conversation in a parking lot):
Me: Look, a PT Cruiser!
DH: What the hell is a pizza critter?

"In the beginning it was like trying to lasso an octopus."
-a Yahoo! News article

"Okra, Twinkie, tofu!"
-Matt Cavotta, magicthegathering.com

"We may experience some turbulence and then, uh, explode."
"I don't wanna explode!"
-the Serenity trailer

"If you were a Venom Lord, I'd nuke you myself, just to see you go up in flames and disappear. Muahahaha - I'm sorry, but that's just cool. I'd bring ya back...and do it again! Muahahaha..."
-my brother, on the dubious merits of my playing D2 as a bad guy

Preacher, to large hushed congregation: "Where is God in your life?"
My grandfather, who didn't quite hear the question: "In my bowl."

"...looked a lot like an acorn squash with hives..."
-Yahoo! News article

my brother, on a near-unbeatable Magic deck using chained board-wiping cards:
"It was like Wrath of Ass!"

"Goatelopes!"
-DH upon seeing the ibex at the zoo

"Wow, I never saw people run to do grammar before." *undertone* "Nerds."
-English professor

A commercial that ensured no grammar-loving person would buy a Toyota Tacoma:
"Roomier. Brawnier. Versatillier!"

"Rezuma, the Aztec god of job forms..."
-me

"I woke up this morning thinking about frogs and muffins. I dunno how they're related. A frog muffin wouldn't sell well. A muffin frog would be odd-looking."
-my brother, via email

"...flopping around like a drowning fish..."
-me, completely serious and quite sleepy

And DH, re: an ad for Diet Coke w/lime: "Are those green bubbles supposed to be enticing? It looks like Shrek farted!"

No, that's not an exhaustive list. There's always more! Somebody comes up with a real humdinger every few days - it's just a matter of whether I remember to add it to the list. ;-)