I really dislike having bipolar disorder. Little things turn into big things for me and it drives everyone nuts, including me.
We have been mostly okay. I caught him in a lie last week. He still denies it. Though I have found that he technically isn't lying in his mind. He takes the question as asked and answers it precisely as asked. So I have to be very careful how i ask things.
M- When was the last time you talked to Susan?
H- oh it's been a long long time.
M - How long?
H - Months.
M - Do you consider August months?
H - No why?
M- because you talked to her for over 2 hours in August when I was on vacation.
H - No I didn't
M - Here is the proof (i show him the phone bill)
H - I don't know who's number that is.
M - You talked to someone for over 2 hours while I was gone to see my mom and you don't know who it was? You who goes to bed at 10 pm and 2 of those calls were for over 30 minutes after 10:30 pm.
H - I don't remember talking to her
M - Bullshit
I called the number. it is her number.
M - I called the number and it is her number. Now what do we do? I told you if you ever lied to me about talking to her that i would walk.
H - I don't know
M - I'm not mad about you talking to her, I'm trying to hold my heart together because you lied ot me.
H - I didn't lie to you. I only talked . . . I don't remember talking to her for that long and that many times.
M - So you did lie to me, you just told me so.
H - Why would I do something to jeopardize what we are trying to do?
M - I don't know, you tell me.
H - She called me first. and i called her back later.
m - why couldn't you have told me this to begin with? It would have saved us both a lot of stress.
No answer.
i have called for a list of counselors his insurance will pay for and I handed him the list and told him to pick one. We ARE going for counseling. I'm tired of this crap. I'm tired of not knowing when he is being totally honest with me.
I've talked to his best friend about this and he is shocked. T doesn't lie. He just flat outdoesn't lie. I was wrong in what I did a few years ago and I've paid the price and i've earned his trust back and I've done everything I can to make it right and to prove ot him that I am not going anywhere. yes, he has let me move home. That was a big step. He just isn't taking the small steps. He is not telling me what he wants from me except "I just want you to be you". I can't be me when I feel like I anything I do could ruin it all. He is afraid of my bipolar disorder. He is not sure when it is the illness or when it is me. I understand that. He loves me and I love him. He told me the other day that he wanted to make sure that marriage was something we both wanted. So he is the one that is not sure what he wants even though he has told me he does.
See my confusion.
Now I sit here after he has been stung by a bee three times, no he is not allergic, he just hurts. I didn't know what he wanted me to do. iget him ice pack like he asked then he tells me he doesn't want that kind of ice pack. So I go make him three old fashioned ice packs.
M- call me if you need me I'm going to the bedroom.
20 minutes later
H - Can you get a flashlight and see if the stinger is coming out of these.
M - sure. Though I don't think there is a stinger. I think i t was more of a wasp that doesn't leave a stinger.
I get a flashlight and he is not happy with the flashlight I get. It seems as though whatever I do is not exactly what is the right thing. not just with him either. I do what I think is the best in the situation and it's not the best. or not what others consider the best. Then I take it personal and feel like I can't do anything right.
I told him i was sorry he got stung. I was almost in tears over it because he was hurt and it hurt me. all I got was this look that seemed to me to be "yeah you should be sorry"
Yes, I have taken my meds today. No I am not overtired. I just want to know why i have to have this damned disorder that screws with my brain. I do good for so long then it hits again. I would give the world to be able to live without this illness. I feel like it is always going to hold me back and it's always going to hold him back, therefore it is always going to hold us back.
So yeah, I will be okay once I figure out why I always feel I am not good enough for anyone.
