• mobil said on Oct 06, 2007....

  Some say that is a sign of stupidity Kru, don't know your friend. Don't know if he's stupid, just that it's a good indication.....do you smile all the time Kru? haha

• lfbno7 said on Oct 06, 2007....

  Kru, I hope the comment above didn't annoy you.  I can't relate to smiling and accepting heartbreak like that.  I don't like or accept losing.  It's not "okay".  Maybe smiling is his way of coping, which reminds me of Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown.  Also, Smokey Robinson's Tracks Of My Tears.
  
  Take a good look at my face.  You see my smile looks out of place.  Just look closer, it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.
  
  Baby I Need Your Loving by the Four Tops and Johnny Rivers.  If you see me smile you'll know things have gotten worse.  Any smile you might see has all been rehearsed.
  
  The Platters recorded The Great Pretender and Smoke Gets In Your Eyes about the same thing.
  
  I have to wonder if your friend enjoys emotional pain, if he's an emotional masochist.  Hurt me, hurt me.
  

• the_infernal_optimist said on Oct 06, 2007....

  If his smile reaches his eyes, that's just plain freaky IMO. I don't like it when I can't read someone's expression and have a good idea of what they're thinking/feeling.
  
  I've only met a few people who tried to grin through everything, and it didn't really work - but it wasn't an automatic or natural thing for them, so maybe that doesn't equate anyway.
  
  ~Infernal
  

• evil_twin said on Oct 06, 2007....

  Usually people who smile like this don't understand what's going on. It's like they haven't allowed themselves to actually comprehend the situation because it's too painful. And some people just hide behind the smile because they don't want to burden you with their sadness. If they pretend to be okay, you're not going to ask questions, and then they don't have to deal with it.
  
  Or maybe the guy really doesn't care that his marriage ended? The card he showed you would suggest he still loved her, but maybe he's one of those guys who just picks out a mushy card to make her happy? It doesn't mean he really meant those things. Maybe he's happy that they're not together anymore?
  
  -evil_twin LA
  

• gingersoul said on Oct 06, 2007....

  I dont trust people who is constantly controlled.

  Constantly smiling is not healthy. Tears and anger and raw emotiosn are signs of a healthy heart. 

  Two things: or he is fishing for compliments about his strenght and fortitude.

  Or he is in total denial.

  And question: why is he showing to you, a perfect stranger, something so intimate and personal and then disaplying such an odd expression of his feelings?

  He is another pot smoker?

• nytquill17 said on Oct 06, 2007....

  I have a friend who seems to be always cheerful about everything.  I mean, she gets upset at times, but it lasts all of 5 minutes and then she says, "That's okay!" and she's smiling again.  She toughs her way through everything and it drives me nuts!  Sometimes it's okay to not be okay, know what I mean?  And sometimes just thinking positive doesn't make it better.  Not for me anyway.
  
  I have stopped sharing my difficult times with this person because I really don't need to hear how everything will all work out all the time.  She's still a good friend!  I've simply realized that she's never going to understand the "down" side of my life or respond to it the way I want to, so I shouldn't expect it from her.  Actually I'm starting to worry that she's rushing into some big decisions lately because of her determination that everything will be okay because she wills it to be.  But she's a grown woman and free to make her own choices.
  
  Anyway, I would have been a bit unnerved by this conversation.  I can think of a few things though: maybe he is dying to share this information with somebody, but at the same time he doesn't want to "burden" you with his sadness, so it's sort of a battle of wills for him?  I've been in that kind of situation a few times myself.  I don't think I could've pulled it off about something so painful though. Or maybe, like others have said, he's in denial?  The reality that she's gone hasn't really sunk in, or he still thinks that if he says or does the right thing, she'll come back?  Or there is some kind of language barrier issue going on - maybe he can't explain his feelings/reactions to you well enough to make sense so he just says "that's life."  Or maybe he's just kinda creepy.
  

• moonriver said on Oct 06, 2007....

  dear ms. kruu yai -- theory #1. it's the mask of a man who wants to be nice but deep inside is desperately crying, "help, i'm drowning, somebody save me..." a lost soul seeking a connection.
  
  theory #2. the man is suffering from the onset of bell's palsy.
  
  theory #3. the man is just trying to be extraordinarily nice.
  
  (psst... now i know your last name.)
  
  

• beyondtheveil said on Oct 06, 2007....

  kruu- I knew a girl in high school who never let a smile leave her face. Later in life I found out she had a rather horrible home life. A life that would have affected her daily.
  
  There are two looks I don't trust. Someone who smiles all the time and someone who never smiles and shows no emotion.
  
  By the way, does hehehe smile all the time?
  

• kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....

  mobil:  ha ha... only when I'm feeling stupid. P.S.  You forgot to say thanks.
  
  7: Yes, that's kind of the feeling I've got... that he just doesn't want to show his pain.  It obviously hurts him, or he wouldn't keep bringing it up.  I would think that an emotional masochist would behave differently.  They would probably really let themselves go into the pain and experience it.  I think he's doing just the opposite.
  
  infernal:  I'll have to pay more attention next time to notice for sure if the smile reaches his eyes or not.  I've asked myself if it's a cover up or if he's really happy or relieved that she's gone and ready to move on.  I suspect it's a cover up.
  
  e_t:  All of those things are possible.  Sometimes, because he refers to her as "my wife" instead of "my ex,"  I get the feeling that maybe he thinks she's coming back some day.  It's pretty apparent that she's not.  She didn't leave behind any traces.
  
  ginger:  lol... no, he's not another pot smoker.   I don't think he even drinks (even though he's got those three wine bottles in the kitchen for decoration).  But he is an engineer.  That goes a long way toward explaining his behavior  haha.  Why did he show me the cards?  I think it came up just as something that he brought back from China.  I noticed later that they are on display behind glass in the bookcase in the living room.
  
  nytquill:  Yes, I also find it hard to share with people who maintain a veneer of perfection.  If they aren't vulnerable with me, I can't be vulnerable with them.  It's especially difficult to deal with if it's an old friend that you've known for years like you said.  It's perhaps a little less weird in my situation considering that I've known this guy for less than a week, and we're just flatmates.  It would be weirder if he opened up to me completely about the depths of his pain, but his behavior is the other extreme.  Everything's just weird.
  
  muun:  Theory #1:  That's the strongest sense I get out of this, but maybe it was his inability to express his feelings that led to the breakup with his wife.  I don't know how he is once he gets to know someone, but if he maintained this pleasant demeanor all the time, throughout the years, no matter what happened, I can see where that would be frustrating to a woman.  Attractive during the initial courting period, but frustrating when she wants a deeper connection.  Maybe he wanted it too, but just didn't know how to go about making that happen.  I think that happens with a lot of guys.  Sad.
  
  beyond:  When I was growing up, I was the second kind... the one who never smiles and never shows emotion.  I was afraid to.  My older sister's friend had a nickname for me... stone face.  I think you're right not to trust the look, but it doesn't mean that the person isn't trustworthy.  Just that they are hiding a painful existence and trying to protect themselves from more pain, which is what they expect to get if they let the facade crack.
  

• lfbno7 said on Oct 07, 2007....

  What time is it?  Why are you up?  Let's see, you're in Transylvania, it's like 4 pm there?  No wait, 4 am in New York, means 9 am in London, means 11 am by you, something like that?
  
  I am the type of person who never smiles at all.  Especially if someone sticks a camera in my face and says SMILE.  Oooo I hate that.  Whenever anyone tells me to smile for a camera I say "Grrrrr, frabbasnabba...." and then I run away.
  
  Slightly off topic though.
  

• kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....

  7:   It's almost 11 am... haha... I should be up now.  The question is... why are you up?  

• lfbno7 said on Oct 07, 2007....

  I'm not

• kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....

  lol
  

• skald said on Oct 07, 2007....

  Kruu I always enjoy reading your post. What a lovely post and you seem to have a good flatmate. 

• kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....

  skald:  Thanks, dear.  Yes, so far, so good... i don't expect any of the outlandish antics that my former pirate flatmates came up with... , but I kind of miss that.  ;-)

• pickersplock said on Oct 07, 2007....

  I agree, that it's a defense mechanism.  I wish I had something witty to add, but it seems really too sad.  Glad, at least, he's not too weird.

• queenparanoia said on Oct 07, 2007....

  hello kruu. maybe he accepted the fact that they divorce? or maybe he found someone else too??? who knows... although nothing wrong with smiling... =)

• honeybunny said on Oct 07, 2007....

  i try to put a smile on my face everyday when i am public, that way people can't see the pain i feel. smiles can be great covers, but the sounds in our voice and the way we carry ourselves can be a clear veiw into the truth.

• kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....

  pickers:  Yeah, he just seems like a normal guy, struggling with a new way of life and trying to keep things cheery on the outside.  Today, I got the impression that he might be depressed (sleeping til noon... watching TV, lots of sighs) which would be understandable under the circumstances.
  
  queen:  Maybe... although if he has a new girlfriend, he's got her very well hidden.  You're right... nothing wrong with smiling.  It just must be hard to do if you're not feeling it.
  
  honey:  True.  I think it's nice when you can find people that you can be real with about your feelings, even when you're feeling down. A part of me wonders, though, if people who are able to put a smile on their face, even when they're hurting, are able to convince themselves that everything's okay,too.  I've never been able to fake a smile myself.
  

• Trinov said on Oct 07, 2007....

  Hi, I had a room-mate in college who never showed any real emotion. She seemed to be always smiling and it did unnerve me , and the other suite-mate (who had actually been her friend in high school but had never actually lived with her before). Sometimes the two of us -the non smilers--- would just have to talk about how wierd we felt she was, since even exams did not faze her. She was brilliant, a straight A student in philosophy...... I believe that she had a strange childhood, her father was an officer in the Navy and not at home too much and she never mentioned her mother. I don't remember her calling home either, but that just could be my memory....I new a guy who was just like her, who had been the editor of an amateur paper I had worked (voluntarily) for and my boss for two years. I decided to match them up. I invited the guy for a cup of coffee in our place and when he had the coffee in his hand I got out of the way. They immediately clicked, they made a date, she told me afterwards that he was the only guy she had ever met that she could consider marrying, but then they didn't seem to go out after that. Three years later I read in the college Alumni Bulletin -that they had gotten married.

• kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....

  Trinov:  That's a pretty amazing story.  I wonder if there are some people who are just born happy, like some of us are just born unhappy.  The latter seems to be more common, but there's nothing wrong with happiness, and I've noticed that it has much less to do with circumstances than mindset.  It would be interesting to follow this couple's story through time and see how they dealt with the ups and downs of married life, or to know if they're still married.

• beyondtheveil said on Oct 07, 2007....

  kruu- Actually, there was a time or more in my life that I was the stone face. But there is usually something wrong in the life of a person sporting either look. There was with me. Maybe trust was the wrong word to use in my comment. 

• nursecutie said on Oct 07, 2007....

  I think that I have been one of those people before. I don't like to bother people w/ my problems and I like to appear very cheerful and happy all the time. But it's not always true. And I don't know if I could keep the smile on my face if my marriage was broken up like this man. But if I was telling this story to a stranger, I probably would.

  I would not want to break down and sob in front of someone I didn't know that well. I would pretend I was ok with everything and might even say that's life! Does this mean I am creepy and weird? LOL

  It's more that I would just not want spill my soul out to someone I barely knew. If I was speaking w/ a good friend or family member, I wouldn't be so stoic. But I think some people just try to put on a front so they will not bring others down w/their negative thoughts and life dramas......

  xxoo natalie xxoo

• mobil said on Oct 07, 2007....

  I say thanks on my blog Kru, and sometimes on other's blogs, but not so often. Since you noticed though and since it could be misconstrued that I was calling YOU stupid, which was the FURTHEREST thing from my mind. I will thank you for reminding me to say thanks.........Thanks Kru

• kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....

  beyond:  I agree.  Any kind of perpetual facial control is usually a sign that all is not well.
  
  natalie:  Yes, I think it would have been just as weird if he had broken down and cried in front of me.  What struck me as so odd, though, was the actual cheerfulness that he seemed to convey about the whole thing.  But the deep sigh later on belied his feelings.
  
  mobil:  You're welcome.  :)
  

• ZsuzsiO said on Oct 07, 2007....

  smiles? A good cover up for real feelings indeed. Here, in Israel, we have the reruns of the Starting Over show, and right now there is a woman who's had cancer (actually survived it) and now dealing with life with the changes. She is always sweet and smily and all ootzy - pootzy, which is, of course, is a mask to hide her fear, her anger and her misery. Now she is learning to let it all out, to scream and get mad, to front the people she might have problems with, etc... It is obviously so extremely difficult for her, that it hurts even watching her.

  Some people don't mean harm by "lieing" about how they feel. They are simply guarding themselves by doing so.

  I am the total opposite. I always whine about my personal problems, than get hurt by people who use them against me. Some times I wish I could me more like the smilers. Than again, I wish I could just stay on the middle some where. By the way, I think that those, who can actually be on that middle road, are excellent actors......

• Trinov said on Oct 07, 2007....

  Hi, I never met that couple again, and I've always wondered if they were just super-welbalanced souls or so up tight that they could not get in touch with what they were really feeling. At the time I just felt that they both seemed lacking something that the rest of us had, a emotional side as if they were some kind of robot. ........................................................ I know that I try to keep my problems a secret in the midst of strangers or in any group where, as ZsusiO mentioned, my problems could be used against me. But I don't go around with a smile on my face, or a frown either. I did find that not having any outlet almost killed me (cancer is a turning in on oneself of anger and disappointment and it is possible that many illnesses start when we cannot solve our problems or even vent about them. Now my husband and I are more open about the things that are hurting us and I believe that is much more natural and healthy than pretending nothing is wrong). We both have gone back to neglected musical instruments that we once liked or loved and that is a positive outlet. I don't remember my roommate having any outlet at all except for her intellect, which was formidable, but just the same we are not computers or robots

• kruuyai said on Oct 07, 2007....

  Zsu: Cancer is a tricky thing that way.  Sometimes it's caused, as you said, by turning our emotions inward... I know of a lot of people who have learned that lesson the hard way.  Then, there are other cancers that come from indulging in emotions like anger ... cancer of the colon to be specific... it attacks a certain personality type more than any other factor, and my rage-aholic father is living proof of that.
  
  Trinov: I guess it could go either way with them.  If you never really got to know your roommate on a deep level, I guess it would be hard to tell.  I am definitely one to hide behind my intellect when I'm not comfortable sharing my emotions.
  

• moonriver said on Oct 08, 2007....

  kruu -- i'm surprised that many comments here would raise the issue of trust. maybe i'm too trusting a person (many close friends say exactly this about me), but based on your description alone, it's empathy for the guy (verging on pity) that rises inside me, not distrust.
  

• kruuyai said on Oct 08, 2007....

  muun:  Ahhh, good for you, muunie.  I'm glad to hear it.  That's what I was feeling as I wrote this piece.  The last line made me feel very sad.  I thought it was odd that he could put on such a cheerful act, but that deep sigh told me everything, and as some people have said, I can understand why he wouldn't just bare his soul to a complete stranger.  People in this part of the world tend to be pretty reserved anyway, so I don't see his behavior as intentionally deceptive, just that he's either suppressing his feelings or in denial about them.  Either way, it's just kind of sad to witness.

• gingersoul said on Oct 08, 2007....

  Kruu.....exactly my point..i didn't percieve his behavior as deceptive ...i truly think he is on the denial side..

  i think he is triyng to deal as best as he can with those emotions...but he can't avoid talking about it.....he simply can't show his emotions...the fact taht he revelaed a part of them to a stranger might be the sign that he is in a transition period...

  Its sad more than anything, i agree with you. 

  It means also you are dealing with a damaged person...maybe subsconciously he was simply asking you to treat me with kindness...like a kid showing his boo....

• silverwhisper said on Oct 10, 2007....

  i think that GS is dead-on, based upon what you've said of him, kruu.
  
  ed

• kruuyai said on Oct 10, 2007....

  ginger:  Yes, I think so, too.
  
  ed:  ditto
  

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