Ok, a few people have commented on my marriage situation through things I wrote in my blog- but I never really gave background on everything.. here's hoping I can clarify some things.

 

I met my husband 7 1/2 years ago- he had all the qualities I imagine most women would seek in a man - hardworking, nice, happy, upbeat, personable, sensitive, a good father, great to my kids, respectful, sexy, funny, stable, reliable, dependable - and to top it all off he was good looking.  I thought I won a prize- here was a man who was looking for a committed relationship, a marriage, financially stable, he was very up front about what he wanted from life- he doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs, he wasn't into the bar scene and we have a lot of common interests and taste in music, things like that.....  I could tell right away he had a very good relationship with his son from his 1st marriage- they were very close and he was a very loving father, and when he met my 3 kids, he was great to them, and did more than I would have ever expected of him- he helped them with homework, bought them their favorite CD's, books, or toys.. talked to them, played with them- and always made time for me as well and to make me feel special, wanted, and loved-

 

Now don't get me wrong.. I did see some faults- he seemed obsessive about some things, like checking to make sure the doors were locked 3 times in a row- making sure his car was locked a few times... nothing that would make me write him off though!

 

Early on we discussed a lot of things, we were both divorced, and seeking similar things- just a simple life, we talked about having a child together, and we even discussed that we both felt the importance of me being at home if we did have children until they were school age- I was surprised with his attitude towards this because I know and met a lot of men who expected the wife to "pull her own weight" and work-  he expected nothing in return - this man was extremely devoted and giving.. and had certain ideas on family- that we both agreed with.

 

What we didn't plan on was what happened about 4 years into the marriage-

 

Here's how it began.. I moved in with him and about 8 months later I became pregnant- we were ecstatic.  We told our kids, and they were all happy- his son was especially happy for whatever reason, he was 6 then and wanted to be a "big brother".. that was great!  He told his mother, (the ex wife), and she called me up early the next morning- crying.  I remember this call very clearly-

 

In a nutshell, she said I didn't know what I got myself into- I had been living with him for 5 months with my 3 kids at the time of her call- I talked to her a lot in these 5 months and oftentimes watched her son in times he was sick or on school vacation.  We spoke on the phone a lot and never once in these 5 months did she mention or suggest anything or any problems.   She told me that having a child with his would be a grave mistake, and her words "didn't I know better, and how old are you anyway?"..  it made me feel dumb.. she had completely caught me off guard when she called it was about 5 in the morning.. I was woken up out of a sound sleep .. I asked her what she meant, she said "you have no idea what you got yourself mixed up with".. I listened as she told me of her marital problems with him, how he was a bad father, she described him as a very angry negative role model, and how lousy he was in bed-

 

At this point I cut her off- I told her first her sex life was NOT my business and that I felt that was petty- I also told her I judge people on how they treat me and that I disagreed that he was a bad father- she told me of a time he was working nights from 3PM- sometimes, 5 AM on forced overtime and he was supposed to watch their son while she worked and how he had a hard time waking up and that was her "worst case scenario" with being a bad father- I actually felt bad for him, being expected to work all those hours and get an hour or 2 of sleep how was he supposed to function? 

 

I asked her why she hadn't brought these things up when she knew I was moving in with my kids, she said "I thought you'd come to your senses and leave him".

 

In all this time he didn't badmouth her by the way- that was another good quality of his.. as I met a lot of divorced men who have a lot of anger and hate for their ex-wives... he wasn't like that..  I later brought up this call.. he was mad, well - I don't blame him..  from there little things began happening... some examples- she called here once in a panic telling him that their son might need glasses- OK.. yet, she didn't tell dad about very important school visits, problems the child was having in school, or the time he was hospitalized for severe dehydration.. his anger grew- when the hospital bill came in he had no idea his son was in the hospital for 2 days... then we decided to get married and that's when all hell broke loose-

 

She found out through her son that we were getting married and called him up crying- "you can't do this to me", "how dare you", "you have no right".. - he kept calm and said "I am moving on with my life, please move on with yours, I don't involve myself in your personal business or relationships, please don't interfere in mine".. she was erratic to say the least..  the problems got really bad from there- 

 

Suddenly their son started throwing tantrums at our house, he started going poop in his pants and told us "my mom told me to do this when I'm here"... his son also came to me one night and told me he wasn't allowed to come here anymore and he was crying.. I called in his father because I didn't want to get involved too much or be looked at like an interference... he told his dad the same story and dad said to him "why would you think that".. he said "my mom told me that if I come here I'll never see her again and she will go off far away".. there were other stories their son told us- very casually these things were brought up to us, at the dinner table, out at the park- he'd say "I have to dry my mom off in the shower".. (gross).

 

So my husband tried talking to her about all this - she denied it all..  their son kept telling us different things..and I can't believe his imagination would be that detailed at such a young age to make this stuff up-  one day he told my husband that "mom says to divorce her (me), and marry her again".. and suddenly this little boy went from a good kid to a complete out of control child- he started throwing tantrums all the time, told me and his dad he hated us, he hated my kids, hated his baby brother- but couldn't explain why- he said "my mom is sad and I will marry her if you won't dad"... I assumed mom was guilting the child.. but of course, I didn't know- his son also told us and my mother that his mother hits him with a belt, kneels him in the corner if he talks to his father on the phone, and that his uncle punches him in his legs- which were bruised in the back a lot.

 

My husband went to court and explained his problem .. they told him basically all ex's accuse each other of different false allegations and that it will fall on deaf ears with a judge- my husband asked if there was anything he could do to see if there allegations were true or false- he couldn't stand by and do nothing, right?  So they made a referral to DCF for investigation- both her home and ours- both reports came back that there was nothing wrong going on in either house-

 

This angered mom- of course..

 

Things began happening, his son didn't want to come here anymore, but had no reason why.  The ex went to court to attempt to get soul custody of their son.. the court ordered them in counseling which they all went to.. her and her son would go to a session then my husband and his son would go- the counselor heard both sides and decided if the child didn't want to come he shouldn't be "forced". .. my husband said "I don't abuse my child in any way, and you can take custody from me?!".. and this is when my husband turned into an animal- literally- the court followed the order of the counselor, something that STUNNED me...I loved this little boy like my own as well..  there were 2 investigations done in our home and each of the children were "talked to".. I later was able to read the reports and found some things that stood out to me, but what do I know?

 

It stated in the 9 months (that's how long this court battle took), the children in my home were well-adjusted, all good students in school, nice home, good relationships.. etc.,

Her report stated that "mother has unresolved anger issues with ex husband, child has severe behavioral issues"- school report stated the issues began (date was 2 weeks after not seeing dad), child was suspended from school twice for calling the teacher a moron and hitting another student with a "lethal weapon".. still don't know what that weapon was.. the child was 8 then.

It stated the child in her care needed continuing counseling- no recommendations were made for me, my husband or my kids- then it said "at this time the child is troubled and should not be forced to spend time with his father"...

 

So then my husband felt like he'd lost something he didn't deserve to lose- I don't blame him.. he became enraged over the course of time, he tried retaining a lawyer but was told it would cost him a minimum of $10,000, and there were no guarantees- we didn't have that kind of money and had no way of getting it-  eventually he got another lawyer for $4,000., but nothing came of it.. they kept following the recommendation of the counselor- and it was a losing battle to my husband... he began withdrawing, not talking to me or my kids, and having very minimal interaction with our kids- he got angry with everyone around him, he began to put all women in the same category as his ex- we were "all" spiteful in his eyes..  I tried talking to him, offered to go to counseling with him.. I had no idea what he was going through but wanted to help- he became meaner and meaner to me over time- threatening me without being provoked, being outright mean to my kids- ignoring our kids.. throwing me out of the house-  it was a mess-  I was living in fear of my own husband for all this time all over these issues with his son and ex-wife...

 

On one hand I felt bad for his loss- on the other it wasn't my fault.. I stood by his side, helped out hiring an attorney, looked up any and all information I could online to help him.. and the mood swings were horrible.. it was like living with someone with SEVERE PMS ... it was bad- he threatened if I tried to take his sons away he'd kill me, burn the house down, the threats went on and on- and I didn't do anything!

He was in and out of counseling and it did no good- he didn't feel he needed counseling and would only go for a couple of visits..

 

 in this time he tried another counselor, but by then his anger towards his ex was out of control..I tried telling him if he goes into a counselor's office all enraged, he would be proving his ex right..  he was able to get supervised visits with his son, now 10- his son sat there with his arms tightly crossed and didn't speak to his father- my husband brought in numerous pictures of them together, playing ball, at the park, birthday parties, etc., to show him he was loved and cared for- his son said "you stopped seeing me" but it wasn't like that!  He explained that he fought to see him but it wasn't allowed.. about 2 months of counseling his son began opening up to dad- and the counselor ordered 2 hours of unsupervised visits a week- yay!  So dad went to pick up his son, and guess what- mom came to the door and said "he isn't coming, he doesn't want to".. his son in a counseling session said he DID want to go with dad- but in front of mom he threw another tantrum... which enraged my husband further.. he had those 2 hours planned and now he wasn't getting them.. they went back and forth to court, no one questioned the son- and mom said "he shouldn't be forced" and the judge ordered AGAIN that the child not be forced.. my husband with the new counselor's notes in hand, stating he should get 2 hours a week- the judge said he wouldn't allow it...

 

Again this wasn't my fault- my husband was going back and forth with fits of rage over it.. and taking it out on me and the kids- it was all verbal/mental abuse-

 

Last September I finally sat down w/ my husband and told him I can't live like this anymore, I was done- if he didn't want to work on our marriage, and have a relationship with our kids- I was done.. he said he did want to work on it, but that lasted a day or two before he'd revert back to his old ways.. which is why in December I got a restraining order and threw him out- after being threatened again.

 

In my eyes it was like if he couldn't see his older son, he didn't want to have anything to do with his other sons here- he ignored them, yelled at them- it was a disaster, and not a way of life they deserved...

 

Now fast forward.. it's been about 10 months and my husband has expressed to me how sorry he was, he admitted his anger was about the ex and her spiteful games and it had nothing to do with me, he didn't know why he mistreated me and the kids- he sought counseling and medication and is now back to good, so to speak... we've discussed the issue of him not seeing his son, and he says he's learning to get past that- he said it hurts to have him cut out of his life- but also felt fighting it was a losing battle.  he is back to that caring person he once was, treating me with respect and kindness, treating our kids really good- and trying to rebuild the relationship with my older 3 kids that I feel he destroyed at one time.. in 10 months I can see the effort, no more threats, no more yelling and just today he asked me if I'd like to go out to dinner alone with him- something we haven't done in years... go out alone.

 

He is being kind again... and yesterday he actually came here with flowers for me- hasn't done that in awhile.. he talked to me again last night and said he can't express how sorry he is and if I would find it in my heart to try with him again- well, I'd like to believe him, really- but I guess theres that fear that "history may repeat itself"..

 

Update on the ex wife?  She's been in and out of more relationships that I could count- men dump her and don't want to be with her- we have a mutual friend who has told me all the man problems she's been through- I mean we're talking maybe 50 men in the past few years have moved in and out of her home.. I hear their son is messed up bad- poor kid, he's 13 now- failing in school and just a terror at home- giving mom a hard time, things like that.. not normal stuff from what I hear.  She drinks a lot, hangs at bars all the time, I recently found out she has the illusion she will become a rock star because she won a karaoke contest...  these aren't stories, they've been confirmed on her myspace- and a couple months ago I found out she dated a friend of my husband's from high school that he recently ran into - long story short- he said she's a nutjob, he thinks she drugged him .. I believe it.. 

 

 I told my husband the ultimate revenge is living well- I told him I will think about his offer and lets just keep things as they are now- because I don't know how I feel- I have some feelings of love for him, I have no interest in other men... I can't imagine getting out in the dating world, I wouldn't have the time..  our kids are good kids, well- my daughter last year got herself into smoking pot- and failing school, but she's turned herself around this year.. all the kids here are good- not bragging just saying they aren't trouble makers... I told him their son is out of control and not improving at all in her care.. maybe some day he will seek out his father... but no one knows at this point what will happen.

 

That will hopefully clear up why I'm so confused.. even writing it down I am seeing how it all unfolded and it makes things clearer to me- sorry it's so long .. but I'm hoping to get some clarity on this situation.