I have so much on my mind lately. Since I've joined SC I feel addicted, welcome.. I need to check in a few times a day- I read blogs a lot, sometimes I comment- sometimes I want to comment but I'm not sure what to say.. sometimes I can't believe what I just read either because I'm in shock that someone would post what they did - or because it's so traumatic I don't know what to say....
So now I sit here a bit bored... when I have so much going on in my head and in my life, I don't understand how I can get bored - on my mind constantly are my kids- I have my oldest daughter and her "problem" boyfriend and his deranged mother, I have my 16 year old daughter- she is out w/ friends now..I hope she's not getting herself in trouble, my 13 y/o son is here eating some pizza.. he eats a lot lately- he's sort of neutral. Then there's my 6 y/o son... he's really something else - he's fidgedy, restless, energetic, whiny, demanding yet sweet as pie- he lost his first tooth today- (reminder- the tooth fairy must come tonight!) then there's my baby Joe .. he's 4 and has Autism.
He woke up today feverish- actually I woke up around 3 AM with a weird feeling to go check on him, I did and he was burning up.. and soaked right through his diaper.. poor kid.. I got him some Motrin, a new diaper, clothes and sheets- and attempted to rock him back to sleep - yeah right! He was wide awake and running crazy through the house.. I was exhausted. I am still exhausted. I got my other son ready for school and dropped all the kids off, feeling bad I had to take Joe out with a fever- but it was either that or they all stay home and yeah, no thanks.
I took him in to see the pediatrician and it was confirmed he had a slight ear infection.. ugh.. Joe had constant ear infections from last Nov through the end of school in June every 2 weeks without fail- I should have known it wouldn't be long before he'd get another one. It was suggested not to put him on an antibiotic this time and ride it out- come back Sat AM for a check up- if it's worse they medicate, if not, great.
The day went OK, as long as he wasn't feverish he was happy- usually. He had his bouts of crankiness off and on, but nothing I couldn't handle.. I was able to get housework done thanks to the Teletubbies and my DVR. When I was done, I sat there and started feeling bad (again). Every now and then I will look at my son, who doesn't speak, and get really sad- I feel sad for him, sad for what he is going through- the frustration he must feel not being able to express himself- I can't imagine.. Now and then I will ask myself "why me"..I will cry, I try to be strong, I have to be- but on days like today I feel weak. I just want to curl up and have someone take care of me just once. I guess I'm being selfish now.
Then there's another matter sitting in my head since August when I got my legal separation. I am supposed to get some money, a share of my husband's retirement- ordered immediately. The amount is decent, and I was told it was a quick matter maybe it would take a few weeks- now that changed.. it's been 2 months and nothing is happening.. when I call the attorney handling it, he keeps giving me the same baloney about "I will get to it this week", I've heard this since August 11th. I am tired of it all- my lawyer has written him several letters too- I am so behind in my bills- I am trying not to complain, I mean, my mortgage is getting paid- and that's most important.. and I have food on the table... but I am in so much credit card debt it isn't funny- and the hospital bills from Joe last year are sitting in my "to be paid" pile of bills- along with collection agency notices... I hate all this waiting...
Then I realized it was picture day at school and each child is $15.00. I said to myself.. that's 45.00 for 4 kids, there are no discounts, and that's the cheapest package- what a scam.. I certainly couldn't let them be left out- and here I am with 50.00 in my account until next pay day, so with trembling hands, I wrote the checks out.
Then I have another thing going on - my ex, separated husband, whatever you want to call him- he messed up the marriage- hands down.. I know I know you will say that "it takes two" and you'd be right.. he messed up and I allowed it- that's as far as I'll go with accepting fault.. I try not to relive the bad things that occured.. but sometimes they creep up- I will have these flashbacks and remember them all over again- and I know it's not healthy- I know living in the past is just wrong- and I'm not saying I am perfect.. oh no.. I think I've forgiven him but it's the forgetting part that I'm stuck at.
I see my ex busting his butt everyday for the past 10+ months, trying to be a better person, he IS a better person- a better father, a better man. He's respectful of my wishes now, he isn't pushy or controlling like he once was, he isn't the angry maniac he used to be, he's in counseling, he's trying, I know ... and it's like I think what if I gave him another chance.. what if I said OK, let's do this .. I fear the past will repeat itself- on the other hand I think "what if he really did change, and I let him go for good" - then he's a good husband to someone else".. that would eat away at me..... so sometimes he stays here, sometimes not- either way it hasn't been a problem.. not in 10 months at least.
other things on my mind- I need a haircut, still working on losing weight and getting motivated with that, sort of got held up on that today with my son being home sick.. but here I go again, no one is stopping me right now from putting the exercise DVD in and doing it- it's sheer laziness.. or sheer exhaustion maybe... I have been up since 3 AM, y'know.
