i wont lie to you guys. i know i didn't pass my first exam. it was really hard. and i found out yesterday that i had INC grade on one of my subjects. was i surprise about this?
no.
was i sad about this?
not really...
people here don't think i'm serious about quitting school (well some of my friends think i'm joking)
why?
because i'm not the queen of paranoia. i became the queen of paranoia because i was the queen of doormats (as ed told me long ago) i was the queen of people pleaser. i was the queen who thinks of everybody else before herself. i was giving more of myself than taking in what i really want.
and i dont want to be like that anymore.
and quitting this course is the first step.
i force myself to like this course. why? because my parents wanted me to be an engineer since i'm the "smart" one. i like my classmates more than my subjects. i like that someday being an enginner would mean more respect to you. i force myself that i could be happy doing this.
and now. i can't anymore. i wanted to be happy.
so i know many people here and in soulcast thinks i'm throwing my life away just because i quit doing this. but i dont care.
i wanna be happy.
last friday i asked my friend about this. and she told me why should i stop? i told her because it was making me unhappy.
she told me that was not it. and i asked her to tell me what is the first thing she thought of when she see me.
she told me i was lazy and ungrateful.
i was hurt by this statement. and this came from someone who i thought was a very good friend. and i told her why would she thought of that. then she told me like what i'm doing right now. that's lazy. and i'm wasting my life if i quit.
and then i asked her, did it occur to you why i'm this way? why i'm lazy to study and i complain about this? why i was unhappy?
she was stunned at my question.
i guess she never thought of that.
and that hurts me. because she was my friend. and i always thought for the best for her. i was there when she needed me. i was there on her troubles. but was she there for me?
and that made me think.
all this time i keep thinking of what would other people would want from me. it's time i would think what i WANT.
and for now i want to take a break. and find my passion. i want to find my purpose before committing to something that i have no desire for.
so i'll quit.
my own decision. i know that there would be a time that i would cry over this. i know there would still be doubts. but i'm okay with it. it's the part of the decision that i'm making.
there would be a few exams left. i would take them and maybe study for them just so to let the techers know that they didnt waste their time on me. but after that...
after that...
a different queen paranaioa.
and i'm starting to like her right now... =)
