My mind has been racing to find a new home. It doesn't feel comfortable in the apartment I made for it. That just seems selfish. I spent years on that place, trying to get it JUST SO, wanting my mind to be happy in a place where we can live close enough to one another to ensure contact, but far enough away enough to give each other personal space. But, naturally, my mind isn't happy with the arrangement. It has decided to move CLOSER. It wants more of my time. I am unsure if I am ready for that kind of commitment. The obligation of it scares the living shit out of me.

     I really hoped my mind would be okay with my decision. I walled parts of it off. I need my space more than it does, it seems. I can deal with most of its faults, after all, I have MANY of my own, right? But there are a couple of very fundamental characteristics that I can not tolerate and that is my mind ALWAYS bringing up the past. Let it go, already! Jesus Christ! How do you expect us to move on with our lives, our relationship, if you keep bringing up all of my past transgressions?! Hell! What we argue about should stay on that subject! But you just keep pushing those other points in to throw me off balance! That is dirty fighting. I try to be very calm and cool with you, but you ALWAYS take it to that next level. You raise your voice, you swear, you call names, you point fingers, you hit walls, you get intimidating, you try to bring the other voices into the fight. You try to make me look like the bad guy in front of them! It was SO low when you reminded Indignant Diva Voice of all the times I didn't allow her to take over and make me look like a raging bitch, just to get her on your side. Fuck you. I never do that! I never do any of the things you do to me. Do you know why you do them? Because you know you NEVER have a point! You just argue to argue! To fucking SPITE me! You know that if you don't make attacks on my fucking character that we will come to a point in the 'discussion' where you are stumped when I ask you to get to your FUCKING POINT! Most of all, the worst thing, as I said before, the WORST thing is bringing up the past. I can't deal with it. I can't deal with THINKING about it. I don't have the energy to make it through my day when I am constantly reminded of my fuckups. You are a mean person. You hurt me. You make me feel self hatred. You make me feel unwanted, unloved, and disgusting. You make me sad. You make me mistrust. You make me cry. You push and push and push and push. You never back down and I am so, so tired of it.. Just give me a break. Shut it off for a night or two. Shut off your self-consciousness, your self-loathing, your weak confidence, your control issues, you negativity, your fear, your judgement, your hatred, your sadness, your jealousy, your paranoia, your worry, your self-pity, your analyzation, your excuses, your laziness, your anger, your sickness....Leave it alone. Leave me out of it. Give it and me a rest. You may find you'll like it. And maybe you will want to move back into that cute little apartment I spent years of blood, sweat, and tears to make for you. We can start over...as friends again. Then we'll see. If you stop racing my thoughts and keeping me awake at night, I won't be so sharp if and when we argue again. I need rest. Give me peace. And, as an extrahappyextrafuntotallysweet incentive for all of this, I will play Solitaire a little more often, if you catch my drift.....Deal? Good. Now let's watch some Venture Brothers.