I have been sitting here staring at the comment window for a very long time…wondering what to write…wondering if I should write anything. But I have learned since being here that writing helps, so here I go. If you are in a good mood and don’t want to spoil it, this would be a good time to stop reading.
A very good friend of mine took her own life this past week-end. I found out last night, and honestly, I don’t know what to think or feel. Sadness, of course. She was a bright light in my life and I will miss her…a lot. She always had a smile or laugh to share, or a new puzzle to bring me. Like me, she was a puzzle fiend.
Anger is pretty strong too. Someone once said that suicide is the ultimate “Fuck You!” and that’s kinda what this feels like. I don’t understand it. I would have bent over backward to help her and she knew that…at least I hope she did.
I guess what I feel most of all is guilt. I have read enough about suicide to know that when someone who has been depressed for a very long time suddenly tells you that they’re feeling better, it can be a very bad sign. It can mean that they’ve reached a decision. I guess that’s what it meant when she told me that a week ago. I feel like I should have been paying more attention…that I should have heard warning bells going off…that I should have seen this coming. But I didn’t. This completely blind-sided me and I’m still reeling.
Anyway, I was right, this has helped. I don’t expect any comments….I certainly wouldn’t know what to say to a post like this. Just knowing you’re out there helps a lot. And if you’re the praying type, then say a prayer for my friend Nina….and for me. I know that helps too.
