• GrapeKoolaid said on Sep 30, 2007....

  It is with great sadness that I read both of your posts.  It is indeed a heartbreaking situation and I'm sure the story is much longer than the two posts you've put up. 
  
  While I have no gems of wisdom to part with you, I would like to offer you encouragement of sorts.  It seems to me that you are a wonderful, devoted mother.  I can clearly tell that you love your children dearly in these two brief posts.  I know it's not much, but I hope you can take some strength from that. 
  
  Another thing I can offer you, though it may not be much, is a sympathetic ear and a shoulder.  I will keep you and yours in my thoughts. 
  
  Your separated(soon to be ex?) hubby has no excuses for treating you the way he did/does.  Nobody should be threatened with physical violence, especially not your significant other(Doesn't make you feel so significant, does it?)
  
  Well, lady.  You're appreciated and loved by many.  Perhaps even by your husband, though he has a terrible way of showing it. 
  

• secretlife said on Sep 30, 2007....

  i read both your posts.
  it seems like he's made some progress.  that he's really made some changes in his life to try to be a better person, husband, and father.  but even for this, to you it's not enough.  you've lost the feelings you used to have for him.  it seems like he isn't what you want, and no matter what he does, there's no way for him to 'win'.
   
  i know you don't want to be a twice divorced mother of 5.
  i hear you.
  but i think it's unfair to both of you to keep going the way you have.  it just seems like you're using him financially to get thru the days....but have no interest in him as a husband again.
   
  without getting marriage counseling, i see no way to change the situation.
  and even with it, there may not be hope of salvaging the relationship.
  i read his good qualities.  he has them.  it's just you can't find a way to find him attractive again.
   
  i think it might be worth a shot to try the counseling.
  but do you?

• confuzzledwife said on Sep 30, 2007....

   
  Grape- thanks for the kind words- I totally agree he never should have threatened me or the kids- last threat to me was Xmas eve 06.. I know he's in counseling, now it's voluntary, I appreciate that, he's on medication and I appreciate that as well- he hasn't raised his voice in 10 months, hasn't even disagreed with me, and hasn't attempted to control me.. I don't know if he's going to be my ex yet.  I know it's nutty, and it's hard to put an 8 year relationship into a couple of blogs- and I know my 1st blog was extremely long.
   
  Secretlife- you are right, I am only financially dependant on him- and I told him this right out, if it wasn't for the money I wouldn't have a need for him, mean I know- but I am being honest.  I don't want to live like this it's unfair to both of us I agree again... it's not what I want, I actually want to love and respect the man I am with- I have tried to forget the past and start new like he's asked- he has asked us to wipe the slate clean and try again, but I am finding that very hard to do.. everytime a holiday comes around I remember and relive again what he did to me last holiday-
   
  an example- last year the night before Father's Day 06 I came home from Walmart with all the kids, he met me at the window "SCREAMING at me to "GET IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE RIGHT NOW" and here I was scared out of my mind, wondering what happened now?  I ran in, with my heart racing- turns out my 15 y/o daughter left a bowl and spoon under her bed (again) and that's what caused that day's "episode".. He started swearing at her, yelling at her, and threw her out-  I told her myself not to do that on a few occasions, but this time was different, he dragged our then 4 yo son into it and told our son "your mother is a piece of shit", our son was so scared he said "daddy I will never talk to mommy again, just please calm down".. this was a common occurence with him..
   
  Seemingly nothing brought out his rage, or it was very little insignificant things that made him flip out- like hair in the shower, or our 3 year old son wasn't potty-trained quick enough and he screamed at me "YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB".. ( I was working full time, I was working with my son who wouldn't have anything to do with the potty, along with his preschool teacher, and his pediatrician told me to stop trying for awhile, my husband couldn't accept this). 
   
  no, he never hit me or the kids, I guess it was all mental abuse- this night turned into hell for me.  He wouldn't allow my daughter back in and was serious when he said to have her sleep in the car! He repeatedly told her and me that she wasn't his 'fucking daughter' and that he didn't care about her or what happened to her (he also had my oldest daughter arrested over a lie months prior to this).  Also, if my older kids came into the room, he'd walk out and return when they left- he told them and me they had no rights to be in "his living room". 
   
  I told him that night that my daughter was my responsibility and he said it was "HIS F'N house first" and he could make the final decision who stays there, and at 11 PM that night he threw me out with her- I had no money, little gas, and he refused to let me take "our" mutual kids that he was threatening.  I drove around not knowing what to do, I was crying, scared.. my closest family member is 2 hours away and I didn't have the gas to get there- this happened to me repeatedly last year.. he would accuse me of cheating constantly when I was online looking up Autism websites, he called me a moron, he pulled all my clothes off in another incident to 'shame' me.  This was his way of thinking- I knew he was mentally ill, I witnessed him throw a basketball at his mother's head because she couldn't babysit for us one time, he's like a little boy who throws a fit when he doesn't get his own way- or he was that way.
   
  I was scared back then, I believed his threats, we were all scared of him here.  I guess you'd have to live it to understand.
   
  Now I can't help but relive those horrible episodes in my head.. I stood by his side back then telling him I wanted the marriage to work- I did want to work on it then.. now it is all about money- I broke down a couple nights ago and told him what I was feeling, and he said "I'm so sorry, I will never do that again".. but understand, I've heard this all before- he said "I will prove to you every single day I will never do those things again, I had problems"..
   
  I guess my problem is not trusting or beleiving him- how can I?  Only thing he's proved in 10 months is that he can go without threatening me- that's good. .. but it's not everything. 
   
  His good qualities?  He's a hard-worker, he's not physically abusive, he's not an alcoholic or drug user, he's not a cheater.  Is this enough though?
   
  When I do something nice for him, which I have- I promised myself I would forgive the past- and I went out and bought him something he wanted for awhile, and I got him some new jeans, I planned time out for us a nice dinner- it was ok, but there is no more excitement- no conversation, he stares at other people, (doesn't matter who- men, women, kids) it embarrasses me- he wasn't like this before.  And it's like the next day he thinks it's all okay again and stops doing nice things for me- does this make any sense?  Or do I sound like the nut?
   
  I was in a 14 year marriage prior to this and never lived like this- I was never threatened, I always felt like I belonged, even after all those years I felt loved - he left me by the way for another married woman.. but just saying, I don't feel a connection here at all.  When I look at him I sometimes see his raging at me-
   
  Counseling?  Yes, we tried that.. he keeps saying "I want to work on the marriage", I said I would be willing to do that if I see a change- the only change has been him not threatening me.  I have mentioned in counseling that there's no spark, there's no connection, I don't feel comfortable with him around- and I constantly wonder when the next episode will occur.  The counselor wasn't very helpful- she didn't offer advice, she listened.. she empathized, I think she was wondering why would I want to stick around.. I don't know... we remained in counseling for 6 months and basically it was reliving everything all over again each time- it kept going in circles and nothing seemed to go forward. 
   
  He lost custody of his older child over his rages, hasn't seen or spoken to him in over 3 years- when he lost custody is when the raging began, I understood his anger, his ex is spiteful and vindictive- I am not like her- nothing like her- but even though I worked then to pay for a lawyer to help him out, and stood by his side,  he told me often that all us women are alike- out to "get" the guy.. I had to laugh because I am nothing like that!  I encourage time with his kids.  I am not "anti-men" like she is, I had a very loving relationship with my father and would want that for my kids- he is the one who destroyed that by hibernating in the bedroom last year all weekend, literally- from Friday night until Monday morning he would stay in there and sleep or watch TV, nothing else, didn't bother with the kids and ordered me to shut them up- I wasn't allowed to take them out, if I did, he would suddenly wake up and run down to my older kids room (his stepkids) and snoop around under their beds, in their closets, looking for something to pick a fight about when I came back home- he also refused to do anything as a family. 
   
  It became a horrible way of life ...
   
  Today?  ok, no threats.. no fighting.  But he still distances himself from my older kids and I have asked him about this- he will make very small talk, such as "do you want a slice of pizza" or something else food related- but not "how was your day", he doesn't have a clue what's going on in their lives, nor does he seem to care- that is hurtful to me when my older kids friends' fathers show more interest in them than their step-father- it's humilating, it's embarrassing... he says nothing when I bring it up- which is often.  It was our son's bday the other day and my older daughter brought her bf, he said nothing to either of them.. you know how if someone comes to your house you greet them?  Hey, how's it going?  Well- he says nothing- literally.  Not a word, and retreats to the bedroom when someone comes over, again it's embarrassing.  Who wouldn't be embarrassed by this?  He doesn't have an explanation as to why- I told him I think he should attempt to make conversation with them, anything- they do say hi to him.. he's got a very anti-social personality.. he wasn't like this when I met him or for the first 4 years!
  He was funny, personable too..
   
  Then it just stopped- he couldn't see his older son and it was everyone's fault- according to him.. when we'd go to visit family, he'd go into another room and wait until it was time to go and that was it- no interaction with anyone, his own kids included.
   
  Anyway, I guess the way I'm feeling is if he really wanted this to work- which he says everyday.. then wouldn't he make an attempt and an effort to try with my kids too?  He knows how important they are to me.  I guess I feel if he tried to be involved in their lives, even if he faked it for my sake would be fine with me- and when I confront him with this, as I have on many occasions, he just says "I DO talk to them, I offered them pizza, I offered them a drink".. again, just food related things, not "real" conversation- even if I want to do something with one of my older kids, which is next to never, he makes it clear- without words, that they won't be watched- I will leave the house be in my car and I hear the youngest one crying, and him yelling at our other child- already, this is being done intentionally I believe so I can't have 1/1 time with the older kids- so I stopped doing things with them.. what a way to live. Our youngest has Autism and I have constant worries about the door being left unlocked, and he will purposely leave the front door open when I'm driving off and I worry our son will run out- then when I try to go out I have to keep calling "did you lock the front door", "where are the kids".. when I came home after a 15 minute drive to pick up my older daughter, I found our youngest with a cigarette in his hand.. thankfully he didn't put it in his mouth- and he was sleeping while our Autistic child was roaming the house- and I'm not supposed to have a problem with this- he acted like it was no big deal.
   
  I feel some days like I'm going crazy.
   

• secretlife said on Sep 30, 2007....

  i hope you re-read what you wrote in response.
  i read it twice now.
   
  i do understand.  let me say that first.
  i understand it must be very difficult to trust someone who has treated you the way he's treated you again.  and i understand it must be very difficult to forgive him.
   
  you have not forgiven him.
   
  it's obvious in what you wrote that you still remember very clearly the things he's done to hurt you and your children and you fear that if you let him back, things will digress to this point again.
   
  i fear that too...and especially because you can't forget. 
   
  you see, if you can't forgive AND forget, then it's a useless effort.  and that's regardless of how you feel otherwise.  some things people can never get over, no matter how they might want to.  i think the reason you can't see him as attractive or interesting is because you can't get past the things he's done before, even if he's been 'better' this past year.
   
  my advice?  for what it's worth, i say you sit down with him and begin to discuss divorce.  tell him the truth-  tell him that you can't get past what happened before, and you've tried.  tell him that you think it's better just to end it for both of your sakes so that you can both move on.
   
  i wish you all the luck in the world.  i cannot imagine how difficult it must be being a single mom with 5 kids.  but it seems that even while he was there, you were a single mom.  emotionally, i think you'll be better off without him.

• confuzzledwife said on Sep 30, 2007....

  secretlife- thank you-
   
  you are right on, if I can't forgive and forget- and it's been 10 months- I don't see that happening either.
   
  I did tell him I wanted a divorce, but he keeps begging, calling, and I don't know if you've been with his type but he's relentless.  If he continues, it's a form or harrassment and if I call the cops he goes to jail-  I have told him I don't want him in jail, yet I don't want to be harrassed either.  I told him if he lands himself in jail it will be his doing, not mine- he sees it as me "throwing him in jail".   He will keep calling (I don't answer by the way I have caller ID), but I can't shut my phone off in the day because I have 4 kids in school they may need me.  So when I see his work number coming up I turn the ringer off- and let the machine pick up. 
   
  I'm not sure how he can call all the time and still stay employed-
   
  I'm so tired of thinking right now.. I did re read my post- I can't forget what he's put me through- he keeps insisting over time I will- that's the way he is... I don't see forgetting just because some time passed-
   
  I have asked God for the answer, I am not a real holy person, but I do believe in God- I have asked God to tell me what to do, yet I still don't know. 
   
  I have so much going on in every direction- I have been walking everyday this past week, trying to clear my head- I have a troubled teenage daughter, mixing herself up with the wrong crowd, I can't get through to her, an older daughter who moved out to be with her unemployed boyfriend while she works 2 jobs to support them, I have my youngest with Autism- I have been experiencing panic attacks which I haven't had in years!  I feel so pulled in every direction.  I need to clear my head and this forum is awesome it enables me to write my feelings, get some feedback- I love feedback regardless if I agree or not- it's nice hearing other points of view.. I would have never thought this would be my life- but it is.. and I have to deal with it- but some days like today I don't know how!! 
   
  thanks for your advice :)

• namyogrl said on Oct 01, 2007....

  RUN don't walk to the nearest counselor you can find, let all out and try to determine how not to let yourself get into a dysfunctional relationship. Your kids come first, do this for them, because if they have a happy healthy mom they will thrive and grow. Take care of you, you deserve the best.

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