OK here goes.
I am in my 2nd marriage, 5 kids- ranging from 4-18. My youngest son has low-functioning Autism.. this last year has been HELL. As briefly as I can here goes: For the past 3 out of our 7 year marriage, my husband went from a caring, loving, compassionate man and father to a complete and total asshole in every sense of the word- threatening me, the kids.. he had mental problems, anger, and lots of unresolved issues from his 1st marriage and was taking them out on me.. long story short, I tried helping him over the past 3 years although I hated his guts- I went to counseling with him only to get threatened on the way home.. I got 2 restraining orders against him in 2005-2006 after he threatened to put a knife to my throat and burn the house down- but then dropped charges when he promised to be good- well, it all quickly went back to the same old crap- within days.
On Christmas Eve 2006 when I came home from my mother's house, he threatened to put a gun to my head-(he doesn't own a gun). but that was it, I called the cops and later filed for a divorce.. it was the best thing I've ever done. I never felt so good about anything in my life- for months prior to all of this, I was depressed and kept telling myself I couldn't support myself and 5 kids, I couldn't do this or that, but when I realized another holiday would go down the shitter, and my kids are only young once, I said fuck him- I'm done.. Although it was a bit scary I never felt better in my life.
I don't regret what I've done, I was a good wife to him, cooked his meals, washed his clothes, cleaned the house, and held a full time job-I took care of the kids and myself, never went out anywhere, as I don't have friends, I am not a cheater, etc., and every good thing I did for him was met by his criticism or a "better" way of doing things, and sometimes he came right out and insulted me.
After I went to court and kept the restraining order, (which he thought I was going to drop again) and he was threatened with jail time if he harassed me or threatened me.. well everything changed.
He went to counseling and is still in voluntary counseling, he's on medication, he is back to that guy I knew for the first 4 years of our marriage, kind and considerate.
I ended up getting a legal separation rather than a divorce after 7 months of seeing a positive change in him, at his request- figuring it's reversible whereas divorce is not. .. and I had nothing to lose, if things don't work out, I can go right to the court and ask for a divorce and it would be granted immediately and he can't fight it, if things improve I can have the separation dropped... it's a win-win situation.
It's now been 10 months since he's had any episodes of anger and rage, he stopped all his threatening - so what's the problem?
My husband is a bore. We do nothing, we go nowhere, he can't carry a conversation, I have to tell him what to do, what to say, he embarrasses me, he's not social- when we do go somewhere with the kids, say, to the park- he's always staring at other people, either men or women or their kids, rather than focusing on me or the kids, he's into TV a little too much, he's always tired, he's gained a ton of weight... I can't talk to him, I don't feel comfortable when he's around he either says too much or not enough.. my house feels generic.. not like a home- just a place for me to live. He'd rather stay in bed than to take the kids outside and only does so when I tell him to- I feel like his mother nagging at him when he's around... do this do that..
When I met him he was a take charge kind of guy, and showed signs of intelligence, he was articulate, had the ability to carry a good conversation on a variety of subjects- and now it's just "blah".. I try to engage him in conversation, and I tell him things he later forgets- so I am into that "didn't you hear me when I told you this earlier".. and I'm saying this an awful lot.
I initially filed for divorce because I was afraid of him and his threats.. but I got to a point where I said screw this, if he's gonna kill me he's gonna kill me .. there's nothing I can do about it.. in retrospect, I see that he was all talk, a bully really-
But now things are just very "blah".. that's the only word I can use to describe it.
Should I just stay and live this way? I have talked to him until I'm blue in the face- I have tried in the last month working on getting back together after realizing maybe he really does want this to work as he says all the time, making him dinner again, showing him respect- but as soon as he saw me trying, things started going back to the old ways again- example, on Monday I cooked him dinner and invited him here- great! I made him his favorite meal we had good conversation and a nice night with our kids which hasn't happened in YEARS, by Tuesday he called me up from work and asked "what's for supper, what are you cooking".. to me that shows me he is expecting something he's not entitled to, I felt he had nerve to ask and told him so- so I haven't cooked for him since.. and when he asked me that question, it reminded me of the bad days and now I am back to not wanting to do anything for him.
He used to rub my back and offered to do it for me, now I have to beg for a backrub, and they are half-hearted, one-handed backrubs.. I don't get flowers or notes like I once did- before we had kids he did all that stuff, now that I am mother to his 2 kids it's like I don't deserve the respect anymore- I don't know.. I have brought this up too, to which he'll buy me the cheapest convenience store flowers and that will stop until I bring it up again, long gone are the cards with nice loving kind words- all the chilvary is gone.
He asks me daily to drop the separation, but I'm not doing it- right now he has no legal rights to this house, and I think back to a time when he threw me out of "HIS" house in the middle of the night for no reason, and he would throw my older kids out too- knowing I had no money, nowhere to go (relatives live hours away), and no gas.. he didn't care about me or the kids.
He says he had problems then and he's sorry- and he won't repeat them, OK in 10 months he hasn't repeated them.. but I feel in the back of my head at all times that if I drop the legal separation, it will again be "his" house too- and I think I'm opening myself up to a boat load of trouble again and getting thrown out-
I know right now I will not drop the separation. I sort of feel my life is in limbo. And I keep thinking to myself, is this as good as it's going to get???
For the past 10 months I have been trying to live my life normally again, and I don't fear him anymore... I can do housework when it's convenient to me without the worry that he'll threaten me- I do what I want when I want.. and that's a good thing. But now I feel like I am living with a lot of resentment and anger over what he's put us all through- I keep reliving things in my head, I have an online diary of what he's put me through, and I was disturbed recently at how I ever got through it sane after reading it all.
I don't like his company, I don't like him.. he has the personality of a wet rag- he's very boring, he doesn't do "guy" things- he knows nothing about cars, fixing things in the house, nothing- and I'm talking very basic things- like taking the trash out.. he used to threaten me and say "you didn't marry a carpenter, handyman, electrician, etc" yes I agreed, but he didn't marry a maid or cook either, yet I do all the chores and cooking! I feel like if I don't do something it won't get done, he won't take the trash cans back into the yard- he will and has let them blow all over the street, he's THAT lazy.. our house is falling apart due to him not doing simple things, like putting new screws in the gutter, we can't afford to have it done professionally, and I am afraid of heights or I would have done it myself.. I do everything from painting, putting in new kitchen flooring, child care, therapy for my son, shopping, paying the bills, everything and beyond.. yet he tells me he WANTS to change, but it's all talk- that's the problem, he's all talk and no action.
So what do I do? I don't want to be a twice divorced mother of 5 kids struggling. I know I can't afford the bills without his help, and it's already been court ordered what he'll have to pay me and it won't be enough.. I didn't tell him that out of fear he'll try and use it against me.
He doesn't really help out with our son with Autism either- don't get me wrong, he does try to play with him and it's more than what it used to be, but he doesn't read books on Autism, he doesn't research it like I do on a daily basis.. he doesn't research it at all- at school meetings he just sits there with a blank look on his face, it's embarrassing to me. Again, I told him this- his response was "What am I supposed to say?" Well, I see other fathers actively involved in their children's lives... he's more or less just "there", but not really involved, if that makes any sense.
He continues to say he wants to change, and will point out how he hasn't threatened anyone in 10 months.. well, that's great- but that isn't all that's required in a marriage- in his mind it's like as long as he doesn't threaten anyone that's all he has to do!
I don't have any family members I can count on, they all suck- I have 6 sisters and brothers, 5 who are useless to me.. they don't care, they don't help out, they don't call or email- after several unsucessful attempts to talk to them.. they respond with next to nothing answers.. my youngest son went into respiratory failure earlier this year and none of them called to see how he was doing- it totally shocks me and made me face the harsh reality that no one cares... and the one sister who does call and show concern, she's lives over 1000 miles away.
I don't have time to date- right now it's about 5 am- it's my only alone time. I am lucky to get an hour in the morning before the kids get up... I am not interested in any other person, I wish the marriage could work out but I don't see things getting better than this- and this isn't good enough for me.. last year at this time all I wanted was NOT to be threatened, well I got what I wanted, but I'm still not happy.
I try to focus on the positive things my husband is.. he's a VERY hard worker, and will work all the OT to pay the bills, he's very giving when it comes to money- he doesn't care where his paycheck goes and willingly gives it all to me- he stays with his cousin and doesn't have any expenses outside of gas money... he's not a cheater, he doesn't go out with the guys, he's not into video games, he doesn't drink or do drugs. He's responsible in the sense of money- but he's boring! I don't feel close to him, I used to confide in him only to have him later put things in my face- which was extremely hurtful and now I am leery of confiding in him at all-
He tells me daily he loves me, although I haven't said it back to him in a long time- because I don't feel love towards him.. at times he stays here for convenience, and that's not a problem- the only problem I have is he's boring.. in bed by 8 PM, not wanting to do anything, doesn't plan anything for "us" as a couple.. hasn't done that in years- doesn't offer to take me out to eat or a movie, nothing-
I feel the need to have a serious sit down with him, yet I can't imagine when I'd have the time with no interruptions.
I have thought about writing down various issues and having my older daughter watch the younger kids and invite him out and talk about this- but I feel nothing will change anyway. I feel it will be me talking and him nodding and agreeing, but then it will all come back to this- blah- I used to think it was in my head- but it's been confirmed- when I do nice things for him or put in that extra effort for him, I immediately feel taken for granted again- and he starts expecting things again- until I stop, then he's good again, then I give him something and it's a cycle I don't want to live anymore- yet, I can't live without his income.. since my son's diagnosis, I am not able to work- I get calls on average 1-2 times a week to pick him up from school, and no job would keep me there when I have to leave all the time-
Any suggestions? Any words of advice? I know it's a lot- and I appreciate anyone reading it.. it's a lot of years off my chest and I haven't had anyone to confide in in years.. thanks
