My face isn't big enough, so my hairline has decided to assist me in clearing more room for it. Good deal. I need more hair all over the rest of my body and less on my head. I can tell by the way I feel about this minor side effect of getting old that my Mid-Life Crisis is going to be a real fucking treat. I am 26. So, by my calculations, I will have my Mid-Life Crisis when I am.........28? I'm going to live until I'm 56. That's not bad. That gives me just enough time to ruminate on my transgressions, resent my youthful mistakes and wastes of time, regret all of the time I DID waste, come to terms with my age and failing body, and then die in a horrible, painful way. Maybe if I start shaving a few seconds off of my all-too-frequent bathroom excursions, I will have a couple minutes to stew on all the things I could have done correctly throughout life, but, in the face of logic, decided something completely ignorant and illogical. THEN I could die in a horrible, painful way.

     Well, it's getting to be that time of year when I start feeling extra lonely. It seems that MOST every winter I have more single time than relationship time. This winter promises to be full time single, by the looks of things...but you just never know. I mean, don't get me wrong. I am okay with this, but there is just that loud, irritating voice in my head telling me to connect to someone on a level other than friendship. And by that I certainly don't mean sex. I mean that deeper level of understanding which only manifests between two people that are extremely fond of each other. There is something wondeful about having someone around to hibernate through the winter with. Especially if you have similar interests. Watching movies together can be an excellent lubrication for getting to know somebody. For example, if the person you are watching Star Wars Espisode One with laughs at all of the "wackiness" that is Jar-Jar Binks.......you know that at the end of the movie you must stab them in the ear with a pencil. And not a normal pencil, either. One of those large, thick pencils that were so "cool" in kindergarten and elementary. It is the only way to help the general population weed out the "humans" with substandard DNA. And it is your duty to uphold these policies as one of the few Fully Conscious members of our society. We must protect the mildly intelligent humans from the aggressively ignorant droves. We must ensure their survival as they are the ones destined to be our slaves in the coming paradigm shift. Back to my sort-of-point...

     I like cuddling up under a blanket when the room you are in is just a touch under a comfortable temperature. The warmth of that special person can be very fulfilling and relaxing. That is, until they fart under the blanket and then proceed to cover your head with it. What a mood enhancer. If EVER anything in the world turned me on and got me in the mood for some heavy petting and exotic yoga positions, it's unexpectedly tasting hot garbage because you were breathing through your mouth, inhaling at the EXACT moment the person you are with pulled the blanket over your head. Then they have the gall to tell you to go brush your teeth because your breath smells like shit when you try to kiss them a few minutes later. "And don't forget to brush your tongue," they'll yell as you walk away toward the bathroom. This is the part where you have the upper hand. "I'm just gonna go ahead and take a quick shower!" you yell back. Now...take a shower. Inevitably your significant other uses a different shampoo than you. Grab that stuff. Open it. Pee in it. Close it. Shake it. Mix it. Allow yourself a small victorious chuckle. Finish peeing into the drain of the shower. The running water should disguise all aspects of this counterstrike. Counterstrike number two is going to get you in trouble. Perform this at your own discretion. After your shower do everything you normally do, just DO NOT brush your teeth. Floss. But don't brush. Flossing will free all of those nasty chunks of food that have been caught in between your teeth since you last floss session. The smell isn't always very pleasant. Walk out of the bathroom and go kiss your partner. They will fully expect that you had brushed after your shower and should move right in for a big passionate open-mouthed lip lock. Again, this isn't a very wise move if you actually plan on having a little bedroom recreation that same evening....or any other evening for the next week.