People keep telling me not to be so self deprecating. I may not be the most confident guy you've ever met, but I don't actually BELIEVE half the shit I say about myself. It's meant to be funny. I'm not that overweight, so I don't see how me making overweight comments about myself is self deprecating. Personally, the only time it is uncomfortable for me is when someone REALLY overweight makes those comments about themselves. "....blah, blah, blah...if I wasn't such a fat ass!"  What the fuck are you supposed to say to that?! It doesn't always work, but sometimes I can get out of embarrassing situations like that by getting a terrified look on my face, pointing behind the person, and screaming, "Look out! Fucking get down!" When (and if) they drop to the ground I will pull out my .45 and fire a couple shots in the direction I had pointed. "HOLY FUCK!!" I will scream. Then I will take off running and hopefully lose them in all the confusion. Like I said, it doesn't ALWAYS work. Back to my point....

     I am self deprecating because I find it hilarious. A lot of the shit I say is actually stuff that can pertain to anyone. We all have blemishes, flaws, and inconsistencies ('We all' doesn't include my boyfriend -Ryan Reynolds- or any of my famous girlfriends. They are all perfect in every way). The people who try to hide the shit and worry about it (Like me stuffing socks into my crotch) are the really bad ones. I like comedians who are self-deprecating (when it isn't crazy and unhealthy, that just makes me uncomfortable. How do you laugh at that shit?). There is a comedian (I can't remember his damn name) that talks about his mouth looking like the vagina of a baby bird.....You know, actually typing that sentence out makes it seem less funny. Guess you'd have to hear him say it because it is VERY funny stuff. My point is that I appreciate what your intentions are when you tell me not to be self deprecating, but all you are really doing is saying something that I allow to make me feel foolish and stupid. That's not how you mean it, but that what I make myself feel when I hear it. Life is fucking funny, even when it's REALLY fucking you over (Not me, I'm just saying in general that life can sometimes really stick it to any of us). Just let me do mine my way and we'll be fine. Laugh at me with me! That's why I tell embarrassing stories! Because I find humor in them that I'd like to share! I still need to tell some terribly disgusting ones from when I was truck driving. Man, they are embarrassing, but SO worth the reaction I get.

     Oh....and in case you haven't figured it out yet, I had my appendix removed on Tuesday evening. Good thing, too. It was about to rupture and spill all sorts of evil shit into my insides. I got lucky, in a way. I'm used to physical pain and illness as side effects from my medication. At one point, I chalked my symptoms up to just that...side effects. Long story short, I figured it out, went to the Urgent Care Clinic, they told me to go to LDS Hospital RIGHT THAT FUCKING SECOND (Apparently they were a bit worried), and that the surgical team would be waiting with open arms. They didn't even CT scan me, which is normal protocol. Turned out that 1/3rd of my appendix was gangrenous (yes, that means there was a gang of green guys living in my body) and I had acute appendicitis. My Extremely cute doctor told me that my appendix was very angry. I can't imagine what for considering I have never really had any dealings with it. Anyway....they found a gerbil in my appendix.....not REAL sure exactly how that got in there......it's a mystery. Oh, well.

     One last gross thing....So, by my doctor's orders, I have been taking laxatives for three days now (he doesn't want me 'bearing down' and blowing my internal sutures apart). This morning, after TWO days of taking laxatives, I drank 8 cups (MEASURING cup) of coffee within 45 minutes, a bunch of water, and smoked some cigarettes (Coffee and cigarettes generally give me that 'You'd better get to a bathroom real quick-like, partner' feeling). Nothing. I even walked around the block to try and jumpstart that cocktail into full gear. NOTHING! Mutant Power number 6? Immunity to diarrhea. I would have preferred being able to read minds, but I guess that kind of immunity can come in handy, also. Like if I ate from one of those taco stands outside of Sears downtown. Sweet.