Last night I was stabbed three times in the stomach. Once below the right half of my ribcage, once in the belly button, and once a couple inches below that. It hurts like hell even WITH the Percocet. Fuck me. Guess I won't be "Coughing My Filthy Yogurt" any time soon. Oh well. Apparently the LDS Hospital Surgical Team was pretty excited to have something to do last night. They were all over me. I threw them for a loop, I guess. They couldn't believe how cheery and smiley I was considering that I was supposed to be in massive amounts of pain. I guess pain blockage is another one of my Mutant Powers I wasn't aware of. Truth be told, I wasn't actually BLOCKING the pain, I just kept playing Mmmm Bop over and over again in my head. Works like a charm.
The worst/best part about the whole experience is that EVERY Nurse/Doctor/CNA made it a point to pull my gown way too far down in order to check my wounds. I swear to god they were doing it on purpose! (I know they weren't, but I am not kidding when I say that EVERY SINGLE one of them saw it. I'm not exaggerating.) Two of them actually touched it! No fucking joke! One was an accidental brush when they were rearranging my gown and sheet to cover me back up. The other was a bit more embarrassing. (*UPCOMING "TOO MUCH INFORMATION" ALERT*) Apparently my body really digs the way that Percocet makes it feel because whenever I take it I get a painfully desperate erection. It's so bad that I am surprised my dick doesn't just start beating itself into the drywall as relief. It almost attacked the 67 year old "Housekeeping" lady when she bent over to pick up the cup my penis knocked over on purpose in the first place just to GET her to bend over! I wrestled him to the ground despite my wounds and was awarded a hero's medal for saving that poor woman's life! Anyway, back to the embarrassing part: So, I was laid out on the bed, under a sheet, standing tall and proud as the Washington Monument, if you catch my drift, when the nurse pulls my gown up to inspect the wounds. To get a better look at one of my wound dressings she puts her hand down right on top of my Turgid Tummy Stick in order to keep herself steady, and instinctively GRABS it out of shock (probably to find out if she actually just touched what she THOUGHT she touched)! I have to hand it to her (HAHAHAHAHA!!!) though, she made no sounds (Like, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawww!!! It's so CUTE! It's like that Blue Mini Cooper I almost bought last week!), no freaked out movements...She just slid her hand off smoothly and continued to inspect my dressing. It's like it never even happened (For her.........I, on the other hand, haven't had that much action in many, many months.). She was lucky to have moved her hand as soon as she did, though....It sank its fangs into itself right where her hand had been a nano-second before. VERY lucky.....But it might have been okay considering we were in a hostpital. They could have totally reattached her arm had things turned out as my penis had planned. Uh oh....Percocet rules, but it makes Bonzo tired, amongst other things.
Oh.....Almost forgot. I have a question. When someone comes out of general anesthesia after sugery, is it normal for their butthole to hurt and to have red hand-shaped prints on their ass cheeks? Just curious....
