My Dad is a Vietnam Veteran and fought on the front lines for a year during the height of the War. And yes, like many vets, he still has issues. Over the years I've tried to get him to open up, to let me in so I could understand at least a little, but he's never really done so. I think it is a combination of the fact that he shut down years ago in order to go on and live his life, and the fact that he wants to protect me.
He does go to counseling now at the Vet Center and I think it's been good for him to a degree ... at least he has met some people near his home that went through the same things and are experiencing similar issues today. But, that being said, he is depressed, he still has nightmares, and he worries me. The depression isn't just caused by Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which he apparently has. He injured his back at work when I was in middle school and went from being a work aholic to not being able to work at all. Now he has some health issues on top of all of it ... he is only 63.
Today when I was talking to him, he told me how some woman had stopped by his place a few weeks ago to find him sitting in his recliner, watching t.v., a loaded .38 at his side. Just yesterday, when she decided to pop in to see him, she let herself in with a key he keeps hidden out front, but yelled as she walked in "Steve, it's just me, you don't have to get your gun."
Well, I've been on the other end of the phone 1,200 miles away no less, when my Dad has been so depressed that he's called me and started crying ... not an easy thing to hear or listen to. When he told me he keeps a loaded gun by him, I was scared ... "You are thinking about killing yourself are you Dad?" I asked. Luckily he laughed and said, "No."
He did explain himself, but I can't say that I understand. He said that when he is feeling bad and things aren't going well, having a loaded gun by his side makes him feel "safe". Wow! He went on to tell me that other vets he knows keep loaded guns by them ... it's all about how they were trained to "protect the perimeter". Apparently he also has a routine of going around his place and looking out all the windows then closing the curtains too ... as a child I remembered how he closed every curtain in the house at the same exact time every night, though I didn't realize he was looking out the windows and "checking things out" ... it used to drive me crazy as I got older. I'd yell at him, "Dad, I don't want my curtains closed and I'm old enough to close them myself when I do!" He never listened. Now I guess I know why ...
Still, the thought of a loaded gun beside my depressed father scares the hell out of me. Are there any vets out there who can put my mind at ease? Is this truly "normal" and not something I should worry about???
