• silverwhisper said on Sep 27, 2007....

  a good question, e_t.
  
  i make the same assumption re: SOs, myself, unless someone explicitly says "tell no one, including the mrs". having said that, i don't share such things w/ my wife myself: had they intended for my wife to know, they would tell her themselves.
  
  me personally, i know secrets about some folks that are pretty damned bad stuff. but my RL friends know they can rely upon my discretion. i've been a good friend to two friends going through the dissolution of their relationship and i have been able to be there for both of them. they knew each was talking with me, and i take it as a compliment that they trust me enough to be open and honest with me all the same.
  
  ed

• evil_twin said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Silver--Do you find it difficult to remain impartial with your friends who are going through a break up? If you're hearing both sides of the story, how do you manage to support both of them without taking a side? I'm really curious how you handle it. Do you just listen and not form opinions? Has either of them ever told you something that you felt the other one should know?

• tizzygirl said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I'm with  you kyle.  I can keep a secret if it's not hurting anyone.  If it is hurting someone then I usually try to persuade the person holding the secret to come clean to the one it's hurting, unfortunately most people won't come clean....so I tell them too bad but I'm going to have to tell.  I try and warn the secret teller first though.  I also hate when people ask me to keep a secret from my boyfriend.  I have in the past tried to do such a thing but it always fails.  It makes me feel horrible and pisses me off because I shouldn't feel bad, I'm not the one with the secret!  I now just tell people they can't tell me if he can't know.  If he can't know it, then I might as well not know it.  So I assume the same with other couples.
  About two friends breaking up.  I personally can not stay neutral.  The only way to stay neutral is to tell both of them not to talk to you about it, which I've done but also makes it impossible to comfort either.  But if it's a fucked up situation to begin with, well then no matter how I try, I end up taking a side.  It's impossible to be there for both if they tell you what is going on, because they both want to hear validation, and if you give it to both of them...well then you are contradicting yourself all the time.  I find that to be dishonest.  So....I have no advice for you there my friend.  I however do not think that it makes you a horrible person if you end up losing one in a break up.  Friends are mostly not forever, it happens in life.  I find that the only friend that is forever and you can count on is the one you choose to spend the rest of your life with.

• GrapeKoolaid said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I'll be the first one to admit it.  I'm the biggest blabbermouf this side of Mississippi, and that should make me a contender for world wide.  I often say to people, "Go ahead.  You can tell me.  I'll tell everybody." 
  
  And yet, people still choose to admit the strangest things to me.  Things I have no business knowing.  Some information traumatic in a lot of ways. 
  
  Because I suffer in knowing, the rest of you must suffer with me.  That's the way I look at it.  :)
  

• evil_twin said on Sep 27, 2007....

  tizzy--You seem to feel very much the same way I do. And I do agree that if someone tells me I can't tell Nat, then they might as well not tell me either. I don't keep secrets from her. And if it's something that they feel she can't know, then it's probably something damaging enough that I wouldn't be able to keep it from her. My loyalty will always be with her over anyone else. And you do bring up a good point about staying neutral when you're in the middle of two friends breaking up. It's impossible not to contradict yourself all over the place if you're trying to support both of them. That's why I usually choose to take myself out of the equation. It's too messy. And inevitably, someone is going to be mad at me.

• evil_twin said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Grape--That's good information to know! I won't be telling you my secrets then :-P But at least you're upfront about it. I know a lot of strange secrets about people too, and I'm not sure why they're compelled to tell me them either. 

• Battycat said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I'm usually pretty good at keeping secrets, I would have trouble with a couple both telling me secrets, i think i would just try to stay out of it.

• uniquely-ironic said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I am a professional secret keeper.  Literally.  The areas I have and do work in require me to keep sensitive information secret on pain of being fired from my job.  At first it was really hard on me, but I've since learned to "forget" stuff that is hard to keep secret.  Ultimately I do know this stuff, but I tuck it away in the back of my brain so it doesn't beg to come out.  One kind of weird side effect of this is that if someone asks me a question I often take a few seconds longer than most to answer since I have to filter it through my "is this information I need to keep or is it information I can share" filter.
   
  I also seem to collect personal secrets from friends and strangers.  I'm not sure what it is about me that makes them feel comfortable with that.  I often don't feel comfortable having the secret, but then I'm already stuck with it.  I don't tell anyone a secret that I would be uncomfortable with them sharing with their SO, but I often hold secrets from my SO.  If my SO asks about something I'm keeping I will often tell them that I cannot answer their question because I have given my word to someone.
   
  The only secrets I blab are the ones that will result in criminal activity or physical harm.  As much as I'd like to tell people of impending emotional pain, they rarely appreciate the heads up, and often punish me for telling them.  I will plead with the secret giver to talk to the person or will talk to the person and urge them to bring up "certain topics" with the secret giver, but never give up the specific secret.  Those who know me, know that there are reasons I recommend such discussions.

• secretlife said on Sep 27, 2007....

  i'm very good at keeping secrets (as i'm sure you could have guessed)
  some i never tell a soul. 
   
  if someone shares a secret with me, i keep it to me.
  secret means secret.
   
   

• skald said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Yes all kinds of people tell me secrets and I keep them. I often find it a bit awkward when people I hardly know tell me things that are  not so comfortable  knowing. 

• wakingharmony said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I think I am pretty good at keeping a secret.....And if some one that i care about is about to trip on it Ill move it gently to the side...as if I know nothing without having to say anything...some of you know that about me already  :-)

• hillbillygirl said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I think I am a good secret keeper. I know things about some of my friends that I know they would never want me to tell and visa versa.  But when I was married I think it went without saying that I was going to tell my husband just because he and I told each other everything. And yes I asmuse that they will probably tell their SO , but I know that some of my secrets they have kept to themselves because they know they are private and I have specificly asked them not to tell them.
   
   I work with the public and for some reason even total strangers tell me things about there personal life that I really didnt' want to know but I am a good listener and people feel that about me and just start spilling their guts. :)~

• beyondtheveil said on Sep 27, 2007....

  If someone tells me something in private and wishes it not to be let out, it never will be.
  
  I have never broken the promise of privacy with anyone. I've not ever felt the necessity to spread juicy info about anyone. I think this comes from the stark seriousness in which I take the word "betrayal". It is the most serious word in the language to me.
  
  There could be situations in which I could betray information, but have not experienced one.
  

• simplyklo said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Hmmm ... I definitely assume when divulging my own secrets that the people I tell will tell their spouse or significant other.  I think it would be unfair to expect or ask otherwise.
   
  Do I keep secrets?  Well, I guess that depends on how you look at it.  If it's a juicey secret I almost always tell someone, but not anyone that would be impacted.  For instance, if one of my friends tells me something, I may mention it to my brother or my parents ... they live over 1,200 miles away though and don't really know any of my friends since we only see each other once or twice a year.
   
  Now, if it was a secret that affected a close friend or family member, would I tell?  I'm not sure - I guess there have been things my mom has said about my dad and vice versa, even prior to their divorce that I kept secret, but it wasn't anything like cheating, stealing, or using drugs or anything.  I guess if it was something that would endanger someone I was close to our would totally hurt them  I would probably tell.
  
  Hey, and there's also SoulCast ... without using real names I pretty much divulge anything and everything here!!! 

• evil_twin said on Sep 27, 2007....

  batty--I agree that the best thing to do is stay out of it if you can help it. That way it's easier for everyone.
  
  uniquely--You are a true vault. I can keep secrets, especially where my job is concerned. My dilemma always stems from getting in the middle of friends who both tell me secrets that affect the other person. That's when my head starts spinning around and I wish no one told me anything!
  
  secretlife--I did guess you'd be good at keeping secrets!
  
  skald--I hate it when people tell you things you don't really know. It is very uncomfortable.
  
  waking--You are a very good person :-)
  
  hillbillygirl--It is always good to put yourself in the other persons place, and keep the secrets quiet.
  
  beyond--You sound like a great secret keeper. For me, I suppose it comes down to the nature of the secret and who is involved. I certainly don't blab things to other people without a reason. Or at least a reason that I believe, whether the other person understands or not.
  
  simplyklo--I do often tell someone everything I know. And that person is my fiancee. Most of the time though, like you said, the secret has no real impact because she's familiar with the people or the situation. The thing I can't stand the most though is when someone just blurts out huge information, and then tells you afterward to keep it to yourself. That's when I have problems, especially if the information impacts someone else I care about. If you're gonna drop a bomb, at least warn me first and ask if I can keep it secret first. Once they tell me, I can't promise to keep it quiet because I had no idea what they were going to say. It's a sticky situation.
  

• Eilan said on Sep 27, 2007....

  If something is told to me in confidence, I might tell my husband or my mom, but only if they don't know the people involved.  My mom does the same to me.  She gets a lot of her co-workers' personal issues dumped on her because she's a good listener; sometimes she'll tell me just so she can vent to someone.  Again, I might mention what she told me to my husband, but it won't go beyond him.  Hell, he'd probably forget I told him.
  
  When I was teaching Freshman Comp, I used to semi-jokingly tell the students not to write about anything that I might have to report to the police.  You'd be surprised at how open some of them are.
  

• the_infernal_optimist said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I carry hundreds of secrets not my own. People seem to instinctively confide in me, and they're safe doing so - Ft. Knox? Pffft. Ft. Infernal is more secure.
  
  I do assume if I tell someone something private that it will get to their SO (fair enough if I didn't tell them not to share even with that person - which I think has the potential to create stress where it doesn't belong), but I don't ever assume that they've given me the same permission.
  
  ~Infernal
  

• PassionTraveler said on Sep 27, 2007....

  You know, I can play that I'm all noble and will go to my grave with secrets, and yes, there are some deep dark secrets that I am keeping for others, but for the most part, I'm an open book. I live my life as an open book and if you share my life in anyway, I tend to be as open about my friends and family as well.
  
  Now, if it's something told to me that won't affect the outcome or personalities involved, I tend to share in casual conversation with other friends and family. But if it is something that to be told would do great harm, or would otherwise cause issues, then no I would never tell.
  
  PT
  

• UnknownUser said on Sep 27, 2007....

  For some reason, people trust me with their secrets--even those I don't know.  I don't repeat anything.  I am in the same position as Uniquely where my job requires that I work with sensitive information.  I tend to also tuck those secrets back in my brain and "forget" them.  There are some things I wish I didn't know, but I guess that's all part of the job.  When someone is fishing for information, I say I haven't heard anything about it, and that tends to send them elsewhere.  I think the one thing I find interesting, though, is that people who have never met me have confided in me with some of their darkest secrets.  It's a good thing I keep those things to myself because I could have seriously damaged quite a few people.

• botoni said on Sep 27, 2007....

  My curse/blessing is that I have one of THOSE faces. People pour out their deepest blackest ugliest secrets to me almost as if I can offer them absolution. For the majority I would never reveal their info. The exception is when it is something that is going to do serious harm. Example....someone telling me they are molesting a child. If I sense a secret coming and I think its something I dont want to know I will ask that it not be shared with me. The other problem with the face thing is that I cannot hide my knowledge. Ask me about a secret and my face will reveal my distress. That doesnt mean I ll talk. My face does the talking for me.

• hollywoodJess said on Sep 27, 2007....

   
  I am a very private person when it comes to stuff like that. I would rather just not tell anyone because I have a small trust issue due to a past relationship in my life (an old best friend who could never keep her mouth shut). The only time I would intervene is if the secret was detrimental. Otherwise I dont tell. Since I am so private, I would think that if someone is trusting me with their feelings and thought, why not respect that?
   
  Eventually people find out. It's imminent. I know from past experiences. I always found out when my old friend would tell people stuff.
   
  And as far as tell the couples. One of my best friends always tells her fiance everything. It bothers me. So I dont tell her much anymore. She in no way does it to hurt me or anyone...she's just that way. And I dont mistrust her fiance at all, they are both great people. However, I think there are some things that should just remain between friends. So if your a couple, or one half of a couple and you are reading this. Take note : )

• rightwingwizard said on Sep 27, 2007....

  To me, if someone has the degree of trust in me to tell me something otherwise private I am honorbound to keep the confidence.  I have never been told something that I would feel uncomfortable keeping to myself, ie no one has ever confessed a crime to me. 
  I have had many people over the years 'bear their soul' so to speak.  I cannot recall a time when I have violated their confidence. 
  I have little tolerance for others telling me someone else's secrets and will make my distain known.  If you are going to tell me a secret it better be your own, not someone elses.  You reveal someone elses secret you are most likely breaking a trust.  It doesn't speak well of you.
   
  On the other hand, I rarely share secrets of my own.  They are secret for a reason and my sharing of them would make them no longer secret wouldn't it?  I don't have a lot of secrets, but those I have are maintained as such.  It is not so much a matter of trust, rather that I don't want to burden others with my issues or secrets.  It is a difficult thing the endure at times.
   
  I have secrets which were told to me decades ago which I have never shared with anyone.  Some are no longer secret but my prior knowledge of them remains so.
   
  When someone is about to share a confidence with me I mind goes into the 'create hidden file' mode.
   
  Thats just me.
   
  rww

• silverwhisper said on Sep 27, 2007....

  e_t queried:
  do you find it difficult to remain impartial with your friends who are going through a break up? if you're hearing both sides of the story, how do you manage to support both of them without taking a side? i'm really curious how you handle it. do you just listen and not form opinions? has either of them ever told you something that you felt the other one should know?

  
  heh...it ain't easy, no, esp if i feel one in particular is in the wrong--a rare event to be sure. i listen and advise, if i feel it necessary, but try not to allow that to influence what i say to whom. and yes, i always feel that there's something being said to me that would be better directed to someone else--always. that's just part of the territory, IMX.
  
  but my friends know that what they tell me won't go anywhere. if they finally understand that they ought to tell something to the other instead of to me, they'll get there. if not, it isn't my place to interject myself in the relationship--or non-relationship, as the case may be.
  
  ed

• CreativeWoman said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I keep secrets.  I don't pass anything on to anyone...not even my husband.  I rarely tell any of my secrets to real life people.  There have only been a handful of people in my life who have known those sort of things.  I have a hard time trusting even though I myself can be trusted.
  
  Of course, under anonymity on my blog it is a different story.  I'm an open book.  I still keep other's secrets, but I freely share my own.
  
  CW
  

• sweet_cookie01 said on Sep 27, 2007....

  i am fairly good in keeping secrets... as long as its not something that is VERY unfair to anyone... sometimes i keep secrets too deep that i tend to forget that a friend told me her secret... giggles... she would say... "sweet cookie remember i told you that!"...
   
  there are some secrets that are just too difficult to keep specially when it is causing suffering to another individual... that is when i way the pros and cons. It is not like me to meddle but if i have to intervene i make sure my point and reason for doing so is reasonable.

• evil_twin said on Sep 27, 2007....

  eilan--I do the same thing as far as telling Natalie about stuff. Some of it I don't think she really cares about because she doesn't know the people involved anyway. But sometimes bearing the burden of keeping someone's secret is hard work. I feel like I need input from someone else. But she's the only person I ever speak to about stuff like that.
  
  infernal--I guessed you'd be good at keeping people's confidences. I do expect that my secrets will be shared with someone else's S.O. and I assume they realize I'd do the same, unless otherwise instructed. But I agree that doing that causes stress and if that's a criteria for someone telling me something, I'd probably ask them not to tell me. The only time I wouldn't automatically share with Natalie is if the secret was somehow about her and would hurt her if she knew. Then it would pose more of a problem. But that's never happened so far, so I don't know how I'd handle it.
  
  PT--I appreciate your honesty. I am an open book too and sometimes I have to remind myself that not everyone is like that. And I would never tell something if by telling it, I was actually causing someone more harm than good.
  
  unknown--My work doesn't involve anything secret, but I definitely see why it's so important to keep things confidential in certain lines of work. I'd have no problem keeping secrets like that.
  
  botoni--I am very much like you in the fact that I'm not good at lying or concealing my knowledge. If you look at me, you know I know something. But that doesn't mean I'll tell either. But I have a terrible poker face and everyone always knows if I'm keeping something from them. Most of the time if someone flat out asks me, "can I tell you a secret?" I usually say I don't want to know. But some people tell me anyway. And most people don't ask first. They just tell me. And then I'm stuck!
  
  hollywoodJess--I admit I'm one of the guilty couple people. But most of the time my fiancee isn't really directly involved with the other people I'm talking about. So her knowing certain things doesn't really have much of an impact. But if we had all the same friends things could get messy. It's probably better that we don't!
  
  rww--I knew you'd be an excellent secret keeper. You have a lot of integrity and that's admirable. But sometimes it is difficult to bear the burden of other people's secrets. I'd rather not know.
  
  silver--You have a good way of handling things. I completely agree that there are things that people should be telling each other and not me. But it seems like that's never the case. Someone is always being stubborn and/or the other person is begging to know what the other person said. It's a crappy situation. One that I really hope never to find myself in again. My problem is that I want to make everyone happy, but in a situation like that, it's impossible. At least in my own experience. Your experience is different because you have a much more neutral approach. I have a hard time not letting my emotions rule my decisions.
  
  CW--I do think that it's much easier to tell your own secrets at a place like this. And this is a good place to do it. You can free yourself of the burden of carrying the secrets, without actually putting the burden on anyone else. It's a great way to free your mind.
  
  cookie--I feel much like you. I will keep secrets unless I think the secret is damaging or hurtful to someone else. Then I have a hard time pretending I don't know stuff. I don't like to meddle either, but I've been guilty of this. Only I didn't think of it as meddling when I did it. I thought of it as helping. But it is a good idea to weigh your pros and cons

• nursecutie said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I think it really depends on the definition of secret........

  If someone tells me something and says its a secret that I can't tell anyone, I won't tell it. But there have been moments when someone tells me something and I don't realize it's a secret! And I have accidentally shared something I'm not supposed to.........

  There have been things people have told me that I really wish they wouldn't have told me. Esp. b/c they didn't tell me they were going to spill a secret. And a few times I have been torn b/c the information directly affected someone else and I wished I could un-know it!

  I hear alot of things at work and some patients will tell you anything and everything about themselves. And of course I can't divulge people's medical information, so that's always a secret I keep. Who would I want to tell that to anyway?

  But as far personal secrets go, I am good at keeping them. But I do share w/you, Kyle :) And I think like tizzygirl said, if someone told me I couldn't share w/you, I wouldn't want to know at all. I don't like to have secrets like that.

  xxoo natalie xxoo

• Zayda said on Sep 27, 2007....

  If someone tells me something in confidence, then I don't break that confidence. So, yes, I'm good at keeping those confidences.
  
  
  I'm a fairly private person about certain things as well; that doesn't mean that I have secrets, however. It simply means there are certain aspects of my life that don't get discussed with anyone other than my spouse and my closest friend. And I know my closest friend well enough to know that he keeps those things I consider private, private.

• evil_twin said on Sep 27, 2007....

  cutie--I've been caught in the trap where I didn't realize I was being told a secret, and then I passed it along. I figure if you don't want me to say something, you better make that clear! I'm not good with assumptions a lot of the time, because I tend to assume the wrong thing. I like things like that to be spelled out for me, so at least I know where I stand.
  
  zayda--I can't honestly say that I've got any real secrets either. There are some things I'd rather not broadcast to the entire world, but they're not actual secrets.
  

• Trinov said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I guess that I basically keep secrets. Not from my husband, although he sometimes feels that he should not tell me negative things that he knows about people. In our culture we are not supposed to mention anything negative about someone, for it could be potentially harmful ten years down the line. But there are times that someone needs to be warned and that is different...When I was younger and involved with groups of people---- somehow people liked to tell me their secrets. Most of the time they were nobodies' business and nothing earthshaking. I never felt the need to tell my secrets to anybody, maybe because I never had any personal secrets worth telling.

• LadyGamer said on Sep 27, 2007....

  It depends. I live by the tenet Do No Harm. So generally, the sort of things people tell ME. I keep my mouth shut.

   

  BUT somethings are best NOT kept hidden and those I will tell the person outright I won't keep it to myself.

• lfbno7 said on Sep 27, 2007....

  As soon as you posted the question I knew what the answer was for you, because in an earlier post about soul signs you said you were a Newborn, and no Newborn is capable of keeping a secret, it's right out of the Rosemary Altea book.

• moonriver said on Sep 27, 2007....

  i guess i picked up something from the intelligence community's practice of classifying secrets into something like A1, A2 and so on. my classification is simpler... (a) fun secrets, which are fun to keep for a while until it's time to surprise someone; (b) personal secrets, which i will keep if asked, and for the peace of mind of people i care about; and (c) secrets that i will protect with my life.
  
  
  

• kelly said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I am what they call "a vault." :-)

• amyispretty said on Sep 28, 2007....

  Well, it depends on who tells you the secret.  When I was a kid, if I told someone a secret and they blabbed about it, I would just wait for my chance to get revenge.  That hasn't happened in awhile though.  Either that or people are better at keeping secret that they know a secret that they shouldn't know.  Ya know?

  Anyway, as long as I've not been backstabbed by the person, their secret's safe w/me. 

• destinydiva said on Sep 28, 2007....

  mr7 where is the post about soulsigns...oohh that sounds interesting :-)xx
  
  evil~ I am with moonriver on secrets...I like that catorgorising !!  :-) xx
  

• moonriver said on Sep 28, 2007....

  destiny, e-t -- i have this fun ditty that i often sing-songed to my kids when i wanted to get their attention... it rhymes in my native language. if translated to english, it goes something like this... "i have a naughty little secret, i promised not to tell, but if i'm forced and cajoled, i'll tell all just the same..." :-) then it becomes a really fun game of how long i can hold out in the face of their cute pleas to pretty please tell them my secret...lol.
  
  
  

• lfbno7 said on Sep 28, 2007....

  DD  the post is called Four Elements in Human Form from Sept 3rd.

• evil_twin said on Sep 28, 2007....

  trinov--I agree that when someone needs to be warned about something, I'm compelled to tell them. I'd feel guilty otherwise.
  
  LG--I live by that rule too. Which is why when someone tells me something I know will hurt another person by not telling them, I feel like I have to tell them. I weigh the idea of which is more harmful. Breaking a trust with someone who is hurting someone I care about. Or warning the person I care about what's about to happen. I usually go with option number two.
  
  lfbno--I still need to get that book! I'm really interested in reading more about it. From what you posted about it, I really am very much like the Newborn personality.
  
  moon--I have a bit of a system too. And whether or not I'm not ever compelled to share something a person has told me, I think about it long and hard. But I will admit that just like the little song you posted, if someone bugs me enough about something, I usually crack!
  
  kelly--Do a lot of people tell you their secrets then?
  
  amy--I get what you're saying. As long as someone doesn't tell your secrets, you'll keep theirs. That's a good way to deal with it.
  
  destiny--You really should check out lfbno's post. It's very interesting and I know you'd love it.
  

• queenparanoia said on Sep 28, 2007....

  well i agree it depends on what kind of secret it is... =) good post evil_twin!!! =)

• soleme said on Sep 30, 2007....

  I'm good about keeping secrets, unless the secret has somehting to do with breaking the law, then I do not want to know.

  One thing that irks me is when anyone tells me something and to keep it a secret, but then they go around telling everyone.  My husband is a pro at this. I never expected him to be a gossiping goat. So with him I have learned to keep my mouth shut.

• kelly said on Oct 01, 2007....

  "kelly--Do a lot of people tell you their secrets then?"
  
  
  It really refers to anything that someone tells me in secret gets locked away tight.  In fact, my default mode is to treat virtually all conversations that are even slightly personal as secret.

• shred58 said on Oct 02, 2007....

  If I told every secret I know, there would be murders, divorces and a lot of hurt feelings.

• GypsyRoseII said on Oct 19, 2007....

  I guess it just depends on what the secret is... if its dangerous or is going to cause harm to that person or someone they love then most likely i will tell.... but i have kept many secrets in my life, usually if its some type of confession, i will listen to the person and then forget it.... literally.... i have kept so many secrets i cant even remember them anymore.... but like i said... it depends what its about

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