• secretlife said on Sep 26, 2007....

  yes, absolutely.  see if you can make a friend or two with them.  and ask them if they would mind going to take your mom out of her room a couple of time per day because you are very worried about her being alone so much.  Tell them she has changed so much in the few weeks since she's been there, and you think she's unhappy.
   
  i think they will help you.

• silverwhisper said on Sep 26, 2007....

  i think you should absolutely talk w/ the staff, skald. i think you should definitely compare notes w/ them, too, b/c what your mother said is setting off alarm bells to me.
  
  i am hoping desperately that i am wrong, skald.
  
  ed

• gingersoul said on Sep 26, 2007....

  I agree with Secret.......she is left alone for too long.....ske likes and needs human contacts...maybe the nurses didnt notice it because she is quiet and stays in her room...

  bet they are busy and tend to overlook the patients that are too quiet...

  Let us know...

• mobil said on Sep 26, 2007....

  Of Course Skald, you are now your Mum's advocate there. You are all she has to make sure things are the best they can be for her and don't be afraid to speak up.
   
  Most places like this treat people well, but they pay more attention when an older person has an advocate. Don't be afraid to ask questions if you don't undersand what the staff is doing for or with Mum.
   
  I wouldn't be an asshole about things Skald, but I'd make damn sure Mum gets everything she needs, is treated well and getting the most out of what the facility has to offer.

• sweet_cookie01 said on Sep 26, 2007....

  yes i do think that you should voice out your concern to the staff and let them know what you think should be done. I think such facilities should have councelin about how to make life more exciting and productive for someone like your mum... I really hope they will make an extra effort.

• uniquely-ironic said on Sep 26, 2007....

  I agree with the group in that talking to the staff is a good idea.  Are there group activities for them?  Perhaps other family members and friends can also visit more often to give her more company.
   
   

• skald said on Sep 26, 2007....

  Secret.  That is the trouble in the other home every one or the staff was friendly and personal. I would sit with the other ladies who were there and I helped. In the new home I have the feeling the staff don't want to know anything about you and they are impersonal.
  Ed.  I hope so too and then I have to find a way to talk to the staff. I think I have to do that.
  Ginger.  In the begin she was always on the corridors and with someone but as she said it they have weaned me out of it.
  Mobil.  Yes I can do that and I know she is physically well treaded but what about the mental side and that is what I have to ask about.
  Sweet.  Yes  I think you are right, they should and I will talk with them
   Uniquely.  I hope some other family numbers can. My uncle Gunnar who is mum´s youngest brother is in the Canary Islands but when he comes back I hope he will. Her other living brother is too old and goes no where and so is her sister too.
  Thank you each and every one.
  
  

• the_infernal_optimist said on Sep 26, 2007....

  I'm worried, skald. I hope the staff will take your concerns to heart and help your mom interact more with the community/give her more chances to be with other people.
  
  ~Infernal
  

• mobil said on Sep 26, 2007....

  Doesn't she have a doctor that she goes to Skald? I would talk to the doctor as often as possible to find out about her mental state and how she can or cannot handle certain things

• skald said on Sep 26, 2007....

  Infernal  Seem to me that every one keeps to them selfs. I mean the other patients. Mom has less possibility to mix as she had but she will be happy just being around people. If she can be in the little open kitchen on her ward as the staff is working and so on. Seems like she has been told to be in her room.
  Mobil.  Yes there are doctors to take care of her phycically needs and to see how her illness progresses. I think I my self know best how her mental state is and what she can do. I just want her to be with people not alone.
  

• wombat said on Sep 26, 2007....

  I agree with others--you should speak with someone in authority.  This doesn't sound like the best environment at this stage, but communication is the only thing that will help to resolve the problem.  The problem must first be clearly identified first.  Good luck.

• UnknownUser said on Sep 26, 2007....

  Definitely talk to the staff.  If you don't get the answers you want, go to the supervisors.  If you still don't get the answers you want, I would suggest possibly even moving her.  The staff should be socializing the residents as often as possible.  Isolation will only lead to depression.

• mobil said on Sep 26, 2007....

  Yes sure Skald, I thought you were looking for opinion about her mental state from the staff there. It's odd how sometimes a person will withdraw from the social funtions. My wife's aunt is 93 and all she cares about is meal time.

• quietone said on Sep 26, 2007....

  skald ~ oh yes I would talk to the staff.  Maybe your mum is looking at things differently as well.  I cannot see the staff saying they don't want her there in the other room.  It surely is not good for her to just sit in her room alone all day.  The staff know that. Or I would think they would.  I wish you and your mum the best my friend.

• rupert7 said on Sep 26, 2007....

  I cannot add to the excellent advice all your friends here have given you. I share their and your concern. I will just add this: The squeaky wheel gets the oil. In other words, if you talk to the staff,they might do more for you mum but if you don't, then things will stay as they are. I really hope things improve for you and your mum.

• MissMimi said on Sep 27, 2007....

  You are a caring, devoted daughter, and now must be an advocate for your mum.  I worry that she may be becoming depressed.  Being without companionship for most of the day is not the best thing for her.

  You'll both be in my thoughts, skald.  Lots of hugs.

• queenparanoia said on Sep 27, 2007....

  yes you should talk to the staff about this.i hope your mother will be doing better skald... =)

• skald said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Womabat.  Thanks you have the word it must  be identified . I must find out what is going on.
  Unknown.  Thanks that is it too, I will not give up.
  Mobil. Well I guess it is good that your wifes aunts cares for the meals. I think sometime too that mum greatest pleasures are meals, still she is slim.And then she likes to be around people she has never been alone in her life.
  Quiet.  This is just what I was thinking of. Maybe my mum misunderstands something but then I must say it is very dull in this place. Still everyone says it is very good there
  Rupert. Thank you very much I appreciate it.
  MissMimi. Mimi thanks too. I´ll try to speak to the staff.
  Queen. I will my dear.Thanks
  
  

• Mamie said on Sep 27, 2007....

  hi Skald, adding my best wishes here...and yes, definitely talk with the staff. Once you have the medical issues answered, you may do well to give the caregivers a list of some of the things that your mom enjoys. That way they will have the ideas and materials nearby for her...it will be like part of you gets to visit through their help. Good luck. I know it is stressful...also don't forget to pray...God hears you. Mamie

• skald said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Mamie.  Thanks but they took a survey when she came and I told them what my mother likes which is mostly singing and dancing. she used to be  very good in  gymnastics and showed in her young days but now her illness has treaded her so that she has trouble with doing simple things or moving. She lost also all interest in handcraft which she did a lot of in her younger years. It is do to her illness too. She has something which I don't know what you call but  it makes it impossible to do things she did, like zipping up her zipper or things like that. Thanks for the good words yes it never hurts to pray.   

• Battycat said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Hi Skald, I think everyone has said what I would have said, speak to the staff and let them know how worried you are. I hope things get better for your mum :-)

• skald said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Battycat.  It dose not matter if every one has said it . I really appreciate it also coming from you and since everyone has said so it must be the right thing and that is just what I will do now when I get there. Thanks

• Grantlin__Graham said on Sep 27, 2007....

  May I be intrusive here?
   
  Be very careful how you approach the staff in reference to your mum.
   
  Sometimes the staff take offense if you seem to be pushy. They will, in turn, make life a bit more difficult. It is a natural reaction if they feel that mom is being testy. It is unfortunate but true.
   
  You said something that is very critical to your other issue. Where in she says "she must endure". That simple statement is a volume on what is not said and that is simply that she has given up. Be very watchful in the ensuing few days.
   
  Your friend.

• skald said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Gratntin.  Thanks so much. I am going to blog about my talk to the staff and other patients and I am reassured.  My translation of what mum said is a bit difficult, one must have what one must have were her exact words. Luv

• skymir said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Hail skald! Good to see you!

   

  I agree with the prevailing opinion here, talk to the staff. It might help to try and make friends with one or some of them to give you in inside channel. But either way they should be professional and helpful. And if there are not, find a new home.

• wakingharmony said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Gratntin~ Skald~ I so agree with you Gratlnlin!!!! Although There are some places that are good....I am sorry....Ive  honestly seen few.... I worked in a Nursing home.... I could not change it and I will not avocate what I have seen.. to me to ignore even attention is neglect. they dont pay them much, and they certainly dont do everything that is taught..they run on a schedual..ea shift has its duties and there isn't time for interuptions, I have seen it...reported it, even experienced it myself when I was so sick they didn't think I was all there. I am so sorry other than getting a nannie cam or voice recorder to seewhat actually happens we dont know....And It is sad that even family can't be trusted at times when it comes to the elderly...My heart so goes out to you and your mom Honey if I was well and there I'd say have her come stay with me.......be kind Smile & carry a big Stick and make sure to ask your mom to please tell you whats going on.make a key word that says take me out now!!!! dont leave my side.    My greart grandma told me when I saw her about a month before she died.....said "Margaret don't get old..People are mean...I smiled and hugged her and said awe nanny why would anyone be mean to you????? She shook her head.... I had to leave...she couldnt have a sip of my soda she was restricted on her water intake.....watch my cigarettes she might steal one..........For Goodness sake She's 90 something, going to die soon let her enjoy her last days!!! Sorry to make this so long.....just take everyones advice .....but most of all listen to your mom and your heart. and don't feel bad hon there is only so much one can do... And I think you are a Wonderful Caring child who'd make any Mom proud! {{{{{{{{{{{Skald & Mom}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

• Trinov said on Sep 27, 2007....

  I don't know exactly what to say, since the experience I had with my grandmother, in what was supposed to be a good nursing home (in NY State years ago), and the experience my husband had working as an electrician in what was considered a decent nursing home--were both pretty horrendous as to how people were actually treated when no guests were around. I would spend several hours twice or three times a week with my grandmother, ( and so was "invisible") and what I saw was beyond disgusting. ..Talking to the staff/administration was not helpful. It is possible that if you are dealing with intelligent people-- being an advocate of the patient can help--especially if they know you are ready to bring in a lawyer, but in general they could just be more abusive once you leave (these are people for whom hell is an appropriate future)....I just focussed on trying to keep my 90 something grandmother alive. My Aunt and Uncle wouldn't think of letting her come to live with me so I had little choice... ).She also gave up on the doctors, who wanted to consider her senile, but you should have heard her pithy analysis of those idiots in white and her mimicry of their words... I read a book once that said that the average IQ in Iceland was far above the world average, so maybe you could find another nursing home where the staff actually is intelligent and moral enough to actually do what they are supposed to be doing--giving professional and considerate care to those who are in need of help and care.

• skald said on Sep 27, 2007....

  Skymir.  Thanks. I think the problem was  not a problem after all. I have written a new post. How are you my friend. I hope all is going well with your mum.
  Walking.  I am so touched by your friendly comment. Yes, I will continue doing what I think is right. I think after having a talk today mum is OK:
  Trinov.  Thank you too. Look at my newest post and I think you will agree that I was over concerned.
  

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