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This is a special, unauthorized, off-the-record post of mOOn platOOn

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Has anyone done a review of The Ten Commandments? I mean like a book review or a movie review or a poetry review, you know? A critique from an experienced audience member?

Well then, Hell!  It's about time!

First and very significant, I should think, there's a commandment for each of our fingers (in this case regarding thumbs as honorary fingers). That means you can assign a commandment to each finger to help you remember.

1. You shall have no other gods before Me...

This is a fantastic scenario! Literally we're talking about time-warps. In one statement, any concepts of the godlike force are wiped out - or at least from memory. Figuratively, if we want to be in this club we have to elect Him leader. And de facto, we shall have other gods alongside You. Maybe you've heard of Scientology?

Anyhow, goodbye Zeus, Odin and Ra. We'll miss ya in this theological monopoly.

2. Do not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above...

Damn that Hubble telescope! Damn that Galileo! Damn the Sci-Fi Channel. Wow, this is a heavy-duty restriction. Has this really been thought through? I'm having trouble with this part of the plot.

3. Do not swear falsely by the name of the LORD...

Brother, when mOOn_platOOn swears, it's HONEST!

4. Take Sunday off and pray

God damn it anyway, I can't just take it easy on Sunday, I need a mid-week break, too - along with an occasional mental health day. Jesus Christ! By the way, do you know how Jesus got his name? One of the three wise men was standing by the manger when his camel stepped on his foot. He shouted in pain, "JESUS CHRIST!" And Mary turned to Joseph and said, "You know, I think I like that name better than Claude."

5. Honor your father and your mother...

Here we're in for a legal hassle. Define "honor." Oh yeah, see what I mean? For some folks, honoring your meal means farting afterwards. This one is waaaaay too open-ended. Ripe for sarcasm and irony. Useless, basically.

6. Do not murder

Yesterday I murdered a spider, on purpose. It doesn't say human, just murder. I've murdered so many. Haven't worked my way up to people yet, but there's plenty of time left for that. It's usually the evangelists and ultra-conservatives who evoke such dark stirrings in me. I'm sure you have your own agitators....

But if you do murder a human, and you get away with it, do NOT go to Vegas and pull an armed robbery later.

7. Do not commit adultery...

But suppose they put away the wedding ring and tell you they're from Jamaica? Who knew? This is tricky. A lot of room for entrapment here. Intention cannot be proven.

8. Do not steal.

Everyone is going to Hell for at least 82 hours on this charge. I'll just state my case with two words: "office supplies." And the Federal Government of the U.S. is in BIG trouble here for that slave trade thing that went on for a few centuries.

9. Do not bear false witness against your neighbor

High school alone dooms most of us here. You never spread a rumor about anyone? Even when you didn't know whether or not it was true? Go on - ! Oh wait, it says NEIGHBOR. That cuts things down to size. Let me think...

Now don't try to tell me that "neighbor" actually stands for "fellow man." If He meant fellow man, He would have said "anyone." So says I. (I can speak on God's behalf as well as anyone else, dammit.)

10.Do not covet your neighbor's wife

In the case of most of my neighbors, this will NOT be a problem. However, there is the case of that hot little brunette down the block with the young child and the restless look in her eye...

Now why are the ladies off the hook here - except our lesbian companions? Coveting your neighbor's husband is just fine, I guess. And don't try to compensate for the author by applying "practical sense" and saying that He meant it both ways. In some countries it's "practical" to squat in the field and have your baby.

So that's it. He said what He said, and it's not up to us to interpret it. We just criticize and review.

Translating it into ever-changing street terms is up to the religious politically-driven fanatics we call "Holy Men."

I'll have to give this Tablet collection a rating of 3 stars out of 5.

Next week: The Koran as a hot romance novel.