It's been quite awhile since I've been back here. I'm not even sure if anyone will even remember I was here before at all. Lately, I've really just been too depressed to write about my life. I prefer to immerse myself in fiction by reading books and escaping from the reality of my existence. And I only read stories that have happy endings, because so rarely does that ever happen in real life. It certainly won't ever happen in my own life.
I've grown increasingly withdrawn from people to the point I actually don't even like to leave my house. I'm not sure if it's a form of agoraphobia or what. It's not that I'm scared to be in public places, but every time I do go out, all I can think about is getting home again. It feels more comfortable. I don't like people to see me. In fact, I don't really like to see me anymore either. I've stopped looking in mirrors for the most part. I'll comb my hair and make sure I don't have food in my teeth, but I try to avoid seeing myself. And sometimes when I do catch a glimpse, I feel like it's a stranger looking back at me. It doesn't look like me, even if I don't think I've actually changed.
But I'm so disconnected from life that my reflection doesn't seem real to me. And rather than try to understand that, I just avoid mirrors. And people. I hate going to work, and not just because I'm miserable in the job. But that means I have to leave my house and be forced to speak to people. It's getting harder and harder for me to do that. I've started to panic when I'm stuck at work and can't leave when I'm supposed to leave. And I have no idea why because it's not like I have anything good waiting for me at home either.
My son has just gotten even more disrespectful and mean. You try to discipline him and talk to him and explain that he can't treat people the way he does, and he won't listen. I'm at the end of my rope with that one. He'll apologize and say he won't do it again, and five minutes later, he's back to the same old thing. I have no idea what to do.
I've realized lately that part of the reason why I just don't want to deal with people is that I don't trust them. And no one listens to me either. Everything I say to my son is ignored. My husband usually walks away from me if I try to say anything other than life is perfect. He hates any kind of negative emotion, so I just don't talk to him anymore because I have nothing good to say. The people I work with ignore everything I say. I ask them to do things and they never do them. People come to me with their problems and I give advice, and they never take it. I told my husband that if things didn't change in our marriage by a certain time, I would leave him. He promised me he would work really hard and we could fix things, but he never did anything.
This happened four times, and each time he swore this time would be different. But it never it is. And yet I'm still here. But after the last time he promised me changes and didn't even make an effort, that's when I just gave up. I knew that nothing I said mattered. And every day when I bother to say anything to anyone, it never matters. I'm tired of everyone dismissing me, so I'm just dismissing them.
I have no desire to put any effort into friendships because they're always one sided. My one friend only talks to me when she has a problem, but if I have a problem, she just tells me to get over it. When I need someone, she's always busy. Another friend recently contacted me in an email and said she'd been dying to have lunch and catch up with me. So I wrote her back and told her that Wednesday worked for me. That was a week ago, and I never heard from her again. She always does that.
Sometimes people tell me, 'it's not you, it's them'. Everyone is self absorbed and they get busy and they forget to call or follow through with plans. But honestly how many times can you be rejected and ignored and forgotten before you start wondering what's wrong with you? And before you say that shutting myself off from the world is what's wrong with me, you should know that this only happened because of all of these rejections. I tried so hard to save my marriage, be a good mom, have good friendships....and I was getting nothing at all in return from anyone. So I've officially given up. Completely.
Every night I go to sleep and hope I won't wake up. I don't see the point. I just go through the motions of life, but I feel nothing. I'm empty. I'm hollow. I'm just a shell. There's nothing left inside me.
I never wanted to have kids either. In fact, that was the last thing I wanted in life. It was an accident. One I tried to make the most of. I couldn't tell anyone how I felt because I was too guilty about my feelings. And I figured I'd change my mind once I had my son. What other choice did I have? But I had a premonition during my pregnancy that I would die in childbirth. It was such a strong feeling, and I've been known to have accurate premonitions, that I really thought this was going to happen.
And instead of being terrified at the thought, I was peaceful. I was relieved. I wouldn't have to do this after all. I'd be dead. But I never told anyone about this feeling. I kept it to myself. And when I gave birth to my son, I started hemorrhaging badly. I was bleeding to death. I lay on that table for three hours while they tried to stop the arterial bleeding, and they couldn't find the source. I was dying. I asked them if I was dying, and my mom and my husband both started crying. But I didn't feel sad. I felt happy. Peaceful. It was a great feeling.
And I knew my son would be loved and taken care of, probably better than I ever could have done it. I was ready to leave this world, just as I prepared for. My time was done and I was okay with that. But as you might have guessed, I'm still here. I'm typing this and I'm not a ghost. I didn't die. They saved me. Just barely. And I was actually very disappointed. This sent me into a depression that I don't think I ever fully recovered from.
I was depressed because this wasn't supposed to be my life. I wasn't supposed to be here. And the peace I'd felt as I was dying, was taken away from me. And now I had to come back to this place and to a life I didn't want.
But I tried. Every day since then, I've tried. I've smiled, I've laughed, I've gone on trips and had fun. I've enjoyed the little moments with my son where he makes me so proud that he's mine. But I'm so tired of trying now. I can't do it anymore. I'm not happy and pretending that I am is too much work. When you put on an act every day of your life for ten years, it gets exhausting.
I'm done. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear from existence. I don't even think anyone would miss me. They don't notice I'm here now, so if I was erased from existence, nothing would be any different. I have no idea why I'm still here. I can't find a reason why I didn't die that morning. I used to think it was because my son needed me, but when he tells me he hates me and wishes he'd never been born, I doubt that. He either doesn't need me at all, or I've done a terrible job as a mother, and it might be better if I was gone. Maybe he'd be better off without me anyway? I always thought he would be.
Sometimes when I get in my car to go to work, I think about what would happen if I just kept driving. Forever. If I disappeared, would there be a search party? Probably not. And that would be okay because I wouldn't want to be found. But even if I did that, I'd still not be able to escape from myself. And right now, that's the person I hate the most.
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moonstone posted on Sep 18, 2007
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Comments
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secretlife said on Sep 18, 2007....
moonstone: you really need to get yourself some professional help. i'm not a doctor, but you sound like you need some type of medication for your depression---it's a chemical imbalance in your brain---it's not just being sad...it's that feeling of hopelessness you have....i read this twice.i hope when you re-read it in the morning, you pick up the phone and call your MD and ask for a referral...make an appointment. change your life. -
gingersoul said on Sep 18, 2007....
Moonstone......i agree with Secret.....please go to have professional help..go to your doctor and describe your sympthoms....they will guide you thru many possible options.
Depression is not a shame. Its not you so bad and nasty, its not you despised by the world.
Its just a chemical disfucntion......your body is not working properly...you need to restore its balance....
Please, call your doctor.
Dont waste time. I was raading your blog and felt cold inside.
Please. Do it for yourslef and you will see all the pieces will fall in the rigth place.
Dont feel ashamed to need help. Millions of people are in the same situation.
Call your doctor. Let us know.
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lfbno7 said on Sep 19, 2007....
It's not right to make a diagnosis like "depression" without meeting you, but I can see where the previous two commenters are coming from. It seems like they might be right about you because your writing is so down in the dumps and you give the impression that it isn't just a temporary thing, just a passing mood, but it is your whole life.
I'm more wary of psychiatry than they are. I'm more wary of psychiatric drugs. They hook you. They are damn hard to wean yourself off of. They are not safe. Maybe they are helpful. Maybe you are better off without them, just adding one more problem to the pile you already have, and one hell of a big problem at that, being addicted to a dangerous drug.
I wish you could feel better without resorting to the dangerous cure of psychiatry, because you know damn well that the only thing a shrink is going to do is hook you on a dangerous drug. What ever happened to Nancy Reagan and her motto "Just say no"? Prescription psychiatric drugs are as dangerous as illegal drugs. And yet, maybe they help some people. If it was me, I wouldn't touch that garbage.
Do you have a sense of humor? Laughter helps a lot. Get out of yourself somehow, get a hobby, who knows? I wish you could pull yourself out of your depression by finding some joy and fun in life.
I hate mirrors myself and I avoid them. In a restaurant I will always avoid a seat that is facing a mirror. All I see in mirrors is a stranger. My soul and my body have too many differences for me to be comfortable with that appearance. Same goes for you, I'm sure. You don't recognize yourself in the mirror because what you see in the mirror is like a car with a darkly tinted windshield so you can't see the driver inside.
You are probably driving your husband and your co-workers nuts with your negativity. You are probably pushing them away. But keep in mind that I never met you so I freely admit that my guess may be completely wrong.
As for your rude kid, nothing new there. Lots of kids are like that.
I'd much rather be dead than alive, even though my life is pretty good. But I don't feel compelled to check out just yet. I feel like a sentry at my post, and I have to stay here til I'm called home. And I don't walk around feeling sad. It's more that I really look forward to heaven, and feel deprived that I have to wait, and have to do my duties here, go through the things we all have to do.
So tell me something funny. I don't want a phony smile out of you. I want you to tell me something that is really funny. Come up out of your sadness and look for things that are worth smiling about.
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gingersoul said on Sep 19, 2007....
LF..........you are right in being wary of medication....
when i suggested Moonstone to go to a doctor i wasn't necessarily talking about accepting to take any medication they migth have suggested. I was trying to make her see that knowing the extension and the limit of her situation could be helpful in putting everything in perspective. That's why i said that there are many options to choose from, once the culprit is clear.
Problem is that you cant simply say to somebody in depression to just laugh and find joy in life. Depression is exaclty not having joy in life and not laughing anymore.....i know it.... i have seen three of my friends who went thru divorce like me takign anti depressant and beign able to face better their situation...as low as i have been (and some days still i am) i always refused to take antidpressants....i have been tempted many time though
but i can tell you ....its a long time i dont have joy in my life and some of what Moonstone writes is unpleasantly well known to me....
but everybody is different though......
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lfbno7 said on Sep 19, 2007....
You don't have any joy in your life either? That's so sad. I'm always looking to make people laugh. When my wife is all depressed about her day, I know how to bring her out of it. I know what makes her crack up. I'll make fun of her, make up a song about her. She busts out laughing. I can be a pretty relentless tease. Soon enough she is trying her hand at making fun of me and making up songs about me. -
MissMimi said on Sep 19, 2007....
LF, different things work for different people, and I'm glad you've found something that helps you and your wife.Having said that, depression is more than a down day or a bad mood. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain, and many many people have been helped by medication. I'm one of them. I don't take using drugs lightly; yes, they are serious business. But they saved my life.Moonstone, I can't add anything more than what others have said before me. Please call your doctor. There is help available. You'll be in my thoughts. -
moonstone said on Sep 19, 2007....
Thank you all for responding to this. I feel really stupid now. I suppose I shouldn't because this is exactly how I felt at the moment I wrote it. But now when I see it, it really is depressing. I don't like being that person. And in fact, I think most people I know would never guess it was me who wrote that because I am very good at hiding these thoughts.
I don't think I'm driving people away with my negativity only because I very rarely ever show it. I'm the one who's always making people laugh. That's how I survive. But on the inside, everything I've written here, that's how I feel a lot of the time. The laughter and the smiles are just an act. And days like yesterday, I just can't put the act on anymore.
But even after I wrote that, I got up from my computer, did the dishes, and put on my happy face for my husband and my son. They had no idea what was going through my head. And I think that part of my problem is that no one will listen to me when I need to get these feelings out. If I do express negativity, everyone walks away. So I keep it inside. And it's eating me alive. I guess that's why I had to write this. I had to tell someone, even if it was a bunch of strangers. And I appreciate that not everyone walked away from this post, but rather tried to help me. You have no idea how good it felt to be heard for once.
And to address the question of getting help and/or taking medication...I've done both. I've had therapy and counseling, but it never really made a difference. And at one point, I tried every single antidepressent on the market and all of them made me sick. I had adverse reactions like hives and panic attacks and uncontrollable itching. I couldn't take them. And my doctor gave me an older antidepressent that most people won't use anymore, and that one was okay. I took it for two years.
I didn't feel depressed anymore, but I also felt nothing. No happiness, no laughter, no creativity. Writing is my one great pleasure in life, and I couldn't even do that. My brain was numb. I never cried or laughed. I was a robot. And one of the side effects of this pill was that my mouth was so dry, my teeth started decaying. In the span of a year, I went from having no cavities, to having crowns and root canals and my front teeth all had to be filled. So I weaned myself of the pills. It took almost 5 months because if you stop them too quickly, you become even sicker. It's like heroin.
I swore to myself that never again would I take those drugs. LFBNO7, I feel exactly as you do about them. Although, I do understand they help lots of people. I have friends who think they're wonderful and really help. But my body chemistry isn't compatible with them or something. Or else the ones that might work better, I was allergic to. I hated feeling like an emotionless robot.
I suppose that leaves me in a tougher spot. How do I get myself out of this when I can't take the medicines? And every time I've sought help, that's all they want to give me. Even the therapists told me they couldn't help me if I didn't take the meds. But I can't! So I just gave up on that too.
Most days, I survive by not thinking of my life at all. I concentrate on other things. Projects or stories or chores. I don't let my mind wander to the situation of my life. I live in a disassociated state, only I don't think anyone else realizes I'm doing it. But those moments when I let myself think about everything? That's when a post like this comes out. And it actually felt good, even if I am a bit embarrassed now.
I'm just thankful that you guys took the time to read it and respond. Just being heard made me feel better. It really did. So thank you from the bottom of my heart....
~moonstone
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GrapeKoolaid said on Sep 19, 2007....
I'm not a professional of any kind to suggest you anything. I'm not qualified to do so. I have read your words and would like to offer you words of encouragement. You matter to many. They may be ingrates and not show it, but you do. You mean the whole world to them. More importantly, you should mean the whole world to you.
Do something selfish once in a while. Quit, walk away for a few hours. Do something just for yourself. It's important to take some time out and dedicate it in the celebration of you. Come visit us more often, if you wish. We'd love to celebrate you! -
j72769 said on Sep 19, 2007....
As I read I thought some how some one wrote this about me I felt like I was being watched and someone read my mind. As I read I started to cry, it sounds so much like me minus the husband. I'm the persons everyone comes to when they need something everytime my phone rings its someone asking me to do something never calling to say how are you . I 've always been a person who does it herself because people disappoint you or if you ask for help in some way or another, they cant help so I dont ask. when you said that you don't like to leave home, I feel that way all the time and I get paniced when I can't leave work when I'm suppoosed to. I do like at times to go and do things but I found myself shutting people out because I see most of the people in my life to be complicated I'm a pretty easy person and I dont at all like people who are otherwise not easy. I feel that it doesnt take alot to make me happy but I just dont know what that is. but always always know that life can be worse and is for other people and today is today and tomorrow has possibilities if we allow them . I hope that you in that instance of hoplessness that you can rise out of those feelings I have highs and lows, and If I can help or listen in anyway please let me know. -
Battycat said on Sep 19, 2007....
Moonstone - I can't say anymore than everyone else, even though you feel you are not appriciated you will be. I'm on meds for the same reason, they have helped me, but as you know it's a long process.
Like Grape said, Be selfish, do something for you for a change.
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Expendable said on Sep 19, 2007....
I used to tell a friend about the problems in my life - he couldn't handle it. He wanted me to be happy. So I started lying to him, telling the things he wanted to hear. It made him happy.
It's one of the reasons I don't talk about myself much, even here.
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crybabylu said on Oct 22, 2007....
Life is hard! It really is! Not only that, you have at least two of the toughest positions in life there are. A wife, and a mother. I hope you have talked to your doctor and told him how you feel. You should be able to trust him. "Don't think, oh no, I can't tell a professional person how I feel....he might have me committed!" That is the last thing anyone does, there are ways of getting you out of this slump without that, but please talk to your doctor. I promise you.....there are more people than you could possibly know that care about you and your well being. If something happens to you..you will be sorely missed by all those people who love and care for you, even if they don't always know how to show it!
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