In the middle of a just-for-me day, taking time to think about what might be on my mind.
I realize that I am on the verge, in some ways, of finally growing up, taking my place in the adult world. And it's scaring me to death.
My therapist tells me it's totally normal. She says that, where I thought I was going through this because I'm behind the curve (in that I didn't get to develop myself normally in adolescence), in fact I'm ahead of the game. That this is the quarter-life crisis that hits most people in their mid- to late twenties. I feel like it's a bit of both, honestly.
Before the end of the year, my legal status will be changing. I expect to be allowed to work by the end of this month, and to be insured by the end of next month. And I think I'm getting cold feet.
As much as it was hell, there were some benefits to always being under
my parents' thumb. I never had to take responsibility if I didn't want
to. There was always someone I could look to to make my life's
decisions for me. And as much as I'm glad that I'm the one in control
now, it's frightening too. I feel exposed. There's no backup. No one
else to blame for the things I get wrong and can't undo or fix. Up
until now, any regrets I have about the path my life has taken have
been at least partially because of something someone else did or made
me do. Now it's all eyes on me.
I'm realizing, "Oh my god, this is real!" I feel so stupid that it even bothers me, but there it is. Soon I'm going to have to start thinking about a career. I'm going to be earning money that won't be just "mad money." We'll be taking on payments because of that money. I'm going to be responsible for that. Hell, I'm going to have a job. Up until now, I can dress how I want, eat when I want, sleep when I want, even pee when I want. Soon I'm going to have to deal with all this working-world stuff that I've had NO experience with before, have no idea how it works. I know it's not really so terrifying as I feel like it is, but that doesn't change what I do feel.
It's starting to come to me that I'm actually afraid of the real world, because I've never quite lived in it. I was so sheltered as a child, and my experiences since becoming an adult have been limited because of my legal status. I have no idea what it's like to hold a steady job, and the idea of working from now until forever scares the daylights out of me. Not that it will be a bad experience, but just that I've never had to be so responsible before to anyone outside my own home.
If it makes any sense, I've never had to be so real before. I've spent most of my life living only in my head: daydreaming, doing crafts, playing games. I've never tackled anything that had so much consequence. Even choosing a major in college, I just picked a couple of humanities - and I loved my studies! But I didn't pick fields that narrowed or defined my options in any way. No real need to choose, no real chance to choose wrong. Now it's coming time to turn my daydreams into day-to-day, and the idea of making these things concrete and tangible...it's not something I've ever done before. I feel vulnerable, sort of alone. I know I'm not the only one to ever feel this way - in fact I suspect almost everyone has gone through this - but these are questions no one can answer for me.
In my mind I find some wonderful theater troupe, make friends, and solve all my problems. (Yeah, I know.) But what if I try out for a theater troupe and don't make it? What if I'm just not that good, or if I can never make up for all the years I've lost, never find someone willing to take me on while I play catch-up? It's so much easier just to dream about it than to actually try. And what about music, or singing, or... *terror* writing?
My writing is going through a lot of the same things. I can't write about real things because I haven't been through enough of them. I can't write about a character who has to find a new apartment, or who gets in a fight. I can write about feelings and thoughts and relationships, sure. I remember all the fun I had inventing new universes, new races, new ways to exist. But I feel like I can't write as an adult, I can't create something believable. I'm just as afraid to jump into the concrete and the tangible in my writing as I am in the rest of my life. And forget trying to actually publish. I'd rather just keep dreaming about being a published author one day than actually have to try. On the bright side, I have probably finally found the reason why I've been so stuck. And I have learned that, for me at least, knowing really IS half the battle - maybe even more than half. So there's that to hold on to.
I know this is normal. I'm not worried for my sanity. I'm proud of myself for being able to be honest about my feelings. I know if I were hiding from them it would just take longer to get through it. I know I will get through it! Everybody else has. But I am shaking in my boots right now, having to finally face my real life for the first time, step up to the plate and enter the world as a grownup, finally DO all these things I've just been thinking about.
God, I wish I could resign my adulthood right now. I used to always say that about things like errands and long to-do lists...now I understand what it really means.
And I look at my husband. I remember all the times the past few years he's said he was really stressed out, and I couldn't figure out what was stressful in his life. I think about him taking on all responsibility for both of us. It's because of him that we had money to eat, to treat ourselves, to pay for medicine. Because he's already done all this facing-up to life, because he does it every day. Because he's made sure we get signed up for all the services we need, and made sure the bills get paid. Because he's been the grownup for us both.
Back when we were dating, I made a joke about ending up as a starving artist. And he promised me that he would make sure I always had all the time and space I needed to be an artist if that was what I wanted to do, but that I would never, ever starve. I'm starting to realize what it meant for him to say that.
I just want to hide under my covers and shake and feel sorry for myself. But I have never understood better just how much he loves me. And I have never loved him more.
nytquill17 posted on Sep 13, 2007
| views: 121
Comments
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kruuyai said on Sep 13, 2007....
Hi nytquill! This was interesting to read about. I can surely relate to going to work for the first time. Even though I've worked before, and quite a bit, it's been a good 5 years, and there were a lot of doubts about whether or not I could even get myself up and out of bed on time. I'm a little confused about your life, not knowing how old you are or what your circumstances are with immigration. I imagine you've written about it here.... I just haven't come across it. I think it's really great that you're starting to appreciate what your husband has done for you. It's not easy to take on responsibility for another person's upkeep and well being. What kind of work are you going to be doing? I remember wanting to be a writer my whole life, but when I was getting ready to graduate from high school, I realized that I didn't have any life experience to base anything on, so I put it off. Now, I've got tons of life experience, but still keep putting off writing.... except here. I also usually prefer to dream about things than actually do them. Wonder what that's about? -
nytquill17 said on Sep 13, 2007....
Kruu: I'm 22 :) As far as immigration goes, I am a U.S. citizen living in Canada, married to a Canadian, and applying for permanent residence (I will keep my U.S. citizenship and will not be able to vote in certain elections here, but my daily life will be pretty much the same as if I were Canadian citizen.) In fact, my application process is almost finished! I have tentative approval; I just have to send in one last set of paperwork and one last payment. I'm betting I'll be done with it all before the winter's out.
For now I'm hoping to get work in a bookstore (I have a friend who works in our local employment center who's planning to pull a few strings for me at a very nice bookstore/boutique). It's not for life, but I think it's work that would suit me well and sort of get me in the door.
In a couple of years, we're planning to move to a bigger city. Then I'll see about going back to school and finding an honest-to-goodness career. Almost certainly something in languages or history. My current plan/idea is to be a freelance translator/editor and that would suit me perfectly, but nothing is set in stone that far ahead.
If I won the lottery I would be a permanent student!
The dreaming thing - for me it started because I didn't have access to anything real. I was pretty isolated growing up, so I made up my world instead. Now I think I've just gotten used to it, and it's easier to live in a dream world. I control every circumstance, I can be exactly who and what I want (a dream set of skills and everybody's favorite person!) and nothing ever fails or just doesn't work out like I thought it would. I think it's very similar to the writing process and the fear of publication - as long as it's only in my head, there's no risk. I'm just playing around; it's not a serious thing. I don't have to do anything, or be disappointed or upset. Does that make sense? :)
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the_infernal_optimist said on Sep 13, 2007....
((hugs))
You are so amazing, nyt - you can do this (of course) and I think it's perfectly understandable that you're feeling those things as you face major changes. For you, they're perhaps a bit more major than for most.
In our household, DH does a lot of the things for us that your DH has been doing for the two of you. I mean, I send out bills and make grocery lists and even do shopping (with him) but he does all of the driving and breadwinning and all of the stuff related to those things that I can't really do unless I take on the big stuff as well. I'm quite certain that once little one hits school and I start working (the baby will probably attend daycare at that point), I'll be terrified as well. It's a lot easier to hide behind "Well, not yet..." than it is to get out there and do things!
Change can be so good, but so frightening - actually stepping up and taking responsibility for your own life is huuuuuge!
Your personal growth is going to be amazing - you will thrive in new ways, nyt, even as you deal with new stresses...and I think you're going to feel more fulfilled and more like an equal partner than you have in the past. I'm so excited for you!
~Infernal
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Artemis223 said on Sep 13, 2007....
Nyt -I cannot believe you are only 22! I know you claim to have limited experience in the so-called "real-world," but your insight is startling! It sounds as though you have experienced a lot of big changes in a short period of time, so a measure of anxiety and apprehension is totally understandable. This is your time to blossom, along with the inevitable growing pains that tend to come with this type of evolution. Test your dreams, and let them expand and change as time unfolds. This is very exciting (and yes, scary) - enjoy the thrill of discovery. I wish you the very best - A. -
nytquill17 said on Sep 13, 2007....
Infernal: Thanks as always for the encouragement and understanding. The oddest thing for me is that I really wasn't expecting to be afraid or to have such a change of perspective about my life. I was kind of expecting business as usual, you know? :p But as usually happens with me, just putting my finger on it has already changed how I feel tremendously. I'm always amazed at my brain's ability to solve its own problems once I have all the right info to feed it!
Artemis: Thanks! I really appreciate your saying that. My therapist also remarks on my age vs. my insight and now I know she's not just boosting my ego! I guess I have been through kind of a lot, and really it has always been important to me to understand myself and other people. I never lost that three-year-old's instinct to ask "why?" about everything :p If none of my career prospects turn out, I might go into psychology.
I think I am mostly afraid to fail, to disappoint or be disappointed. I know that this is normal and I know that this and my other insecurities will ease off as I try my hand at things and reassure myself. And you're right it's also very exciting - I can't wait to see what I will become, how I will be after the fear is gone. What am I going to do, get into, be capable of?
I found this picture on icanhascheezburger.com just after writing this post, and it was kind of what I needed to see. I will get through all of this, and when I do, this is going to be me! I don't know if you can have a picture for a personal motto, but I think this one will be mine :D
Grab life by the tail :D -
kruuyai said on Sep 14, 2007....
nytquill: Wow! You just blew me away! From the maturity of your writing, I always assumed that you were at least in your 40's. lol Well, now, of course, it makes sense that you wouldn't have much experience. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and it sounds like you have some very interesting plans. The world is yours... go for it! Best of luck to you... in whatever you decide to do. -
silverwhisper said on Sep 17, 2007....
nyt, growing up is sadly unavoidable and happens to the best of us. :>
ed
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