One for all Nurses

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?? It took
her two weeks to realize she wasn't at work!

You may be a nurse if.....

You believe that every patient needs TLC... Temazepam, Lorazepam and
Chlorpromazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse buzzersystem some night in
a dark alley.

You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor gets more warped each
year.

Your kids get their presents in TED stockings and NHSpillowcases. And their
presents are wrapped with Transpore tape.

You know the phone number of every late night food delivery place by heart.

Almost everything can seem funny .. eventually.

When asked by the doctor what color that patient's diarrhoea was, you show
them your shoes.  If they missed your shoes, you use the well-known "poo
currycolour scale" ranging from chicken korma to spinach vindaloo.

You can identify different causes of diarrhoea by the smell of it.

Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the keys,
scissors and clamps in your pocket.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are dispensing
than they know.

You use bladder lavage bags to drip water onto your
plants when you're on holiday.

You refuse to watch Casualty because its too much like the real thing and it
triggers flashbacks or... Your family refuse to let you watch Casualty
because you spend the whole time correcting everyone and pointing out upside
down X-rays.

You avoid answering the phone on your day off to in case anyone from the
hospital is trying to call and beg you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at another table
throw up.

You notice that you are using even more 4 letter words than you did before
you started nursing.

You've seriously considered catheterising your children before a long car
journey.

Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least4 of them on you.
Most of them have the names of laxatives on them.

You don't get excited about blood; unless it's your own.

You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle,to convince the
doctor is more difficult"

You've basted your Christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe.

You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your co-worker and
to shout if they need help.

Eating crisps out of a clean sick-bowl is perfectly normal.

Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's watertank.

When checking the level of a patient's orientation you aren't sure of the day
yourself. Or if nightshift, the month.

You find yourself checking out other customers' veins in supermarket queues.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner break
and are not be embarrassed when you wake up

You avoid unhealthy looking people in the shopping centre
for fear that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day
off.

You throw a farewell buffet for a co-worker and use a bedsheet for a
tablecloth and bedpans to hold the nachos.

You often stay awake for 24+ hrs at a time when you work nights and realise
you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate just lack of sleep...

You pull over in a layby after working nights because you are too tired to
drive home and wake up to someone knocking on your window thinking you've
had a stroke because you're passed out in your car drooling.

Your finger has gone into places you never thought possible.

You've seen more penises than any prostitute.

You've sworn to have "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed on your chest. Soon.

If you are not a nurse and have been sent this by a friend who is, it's just
to help you understand our mindset and questionable mental state!