9/11. What a day. I know I should be sad beacuse of THE 9/11, but hey, it is my birthday!
I am 30 years old today.
I made it this far, huh?
Let's see:
Yesterday one of my classes greeted me by singing happy birthday to me.
Than my friend, Marie picked me up from work and gave me a nice card with a little cash in it. She always makes sure to help me out with things I really need, and she knew this year is though.
I've got a mesege from my new Hungarian friend over the phone. She also remembered that I startedd a new job, and asked me about that too. How sweet!
Than a student of mine called that he cannot make it to the lesson, but would love to take me out for a dinner tonight. I think he has a crush on me. Of course I've said yes. I'd hate to sit at home feeling sorry for myself. And hopefully it'll help to take my mind off my love life too.
At midnight C called to wish me happy birthday, and about 1am my brother called from Hungary to do the same. He told me that he'll send me money instead of a gift. I love that. It is just in time.
I an off work today. I'll only have a private lesson of three (a group lesson) that was moved to today from yesterday. I don't mind, I love those little kids.
I have some things to do that I am pushing each day and I promised to myself to do it today before the three day holiday. I MUST go to he gym already - I was so depressed lately I missed at least a week and ate like a pig. I gotta clean this place and cook for the holiday. I might even try to make myself a cake. But I am not sure about that one yet....
If you look up my birhtday blogs from last year you'll see what a huge difference it is between that year and this one.
I am overwhelmed by this gift God allowed me to have on my 30est birthday. I have friends, I am not alone and lonely, I feel ... I feel as a human again.
Sure, life is hard and we all have problems. But me? All I have this year is tears of joy. The best way I can discribe how I feel right now is with a little story.
Two years ago, in August 2005, I arrived to Israel. It was the thoughest decision I had to make in my whole life. I lived in the USA, in Florida for the past 6 years or so, and I've had absolutely no intention to leave. I've had my friends there, I've had my whole life built up there. I've lost my family during the past 13 years. I moved from country to country, from city to city before. I loved having stability in my life. But the dark clouds (my ex husband) gathered above my head and the only way to get away from that was to leave. That is the only reason I left the US. It was the only right thing to do.
When I got back to Israel, horrific surprises awaited for me here. It is not my native country, I am an immigrant here. I have no family here. The friend I thought will be there for me turned out to be a disapointment. The country I thought will support me, turned out to be a disapointment. My son and I were both feeing the stress and the heat of helplessness. We did not enjoy our time here at all. We wanted to go back to the familiour. We wanted to go back to the US. We've cried, than just tried to be strong and survive.
It was so hard. Not to mention that fire.....
Each year I used to send my application for the annual Diversity Lottery program ( It's a lottery by the US government that allows 55000 people to win the right for THE greencard) Last year I prayed to God to get a positive resonce. But I didn't. Just like all the other years before.
So I kept on going here, in Israel.
Things fell apart, than I picked the pieces up and rebuilt them again. I made friends, I created a life here.
When the fire stoke last Channuka, and I needed and apartment, all I knew is that I want to stay in this area no matter what. I did not want to restart our lives again. I did not want to move my son again. I wanted to save that little we still had.
Not even a year later, I am glad I did not move. Since the fire I had to move apartments one more time, but I still stayed in the same area. I actually like it here.
So now, I am looking around, and I am actually happy where I am.
When I go to the stores people know me by my name. If I am stuck in a financial situation I know I can ask the shop owner to write it up, so I can pay later. It is not something I am proud of or I want to make a habbit of, but it sure helps now. I've made friends with all kind of people during these two years. I've met people from the better neighborhoods, and people from the "jungle". If I need something I know who to call. I also know who need my help too. I have people to talk to, I no longer feel lonely.
MY SON - my son starts to feel secure, maybe for the first time in his life. The poor baby was born into a broken marriage, and all he rememberes is his parents fighting all the time. Now he loves this "new" set up, when he goes to the States for the whole summer, and his dad comes to see him during Channukah, but he lives here, with me. He've had his fights in school, but I think this year even he feels different about those kids. He speaks Hebrew now, and he is so much calmer than before. He doesn't even take his Ritalin no more. I am glad he doesn't need it. He starts to act like an Israeli boy, and starts to make friends. He is only 8 yet he've had his first girlfriends already. Yes, more than one. Right now he is going out with a new one. He introduced her to me yesterday. She really is pretty ;-].
He has his own room, so now he can finally have friends over too. We have a dog, Foofy, and a cat Tzitza, whom we love dearly, and who love us back (for the food mostly).
I work and have plans to increase my income in the future.
I've even got our own place!
So right now I am in a dilemma about the Diversity Lottery.
Should I send that application this year too? I've never won, and no one says I will win it this year. But what if I will? I personally know at least 5-6 people who did, and now live in the US. It is possible. It is not a scam.
But if I'd win that would mean for us to pack again, and leave all this behid.
Ir sounds funny to say "all this" about our life here. I am poor as the church mice, my bills are unpaid, I don't even owe a car, or decen furniture in our place. But still. It is my life right now. It is OUR lives right now.
So we'd go back to the US - what than? Start all over again? Start the legal issues with my ex? Start to build my ol friendships back up again? Start looking for a job, an apartment, a car?
To move back, I'd need about $10000. The tickets, a car, renting a place, spending money untill I'd find a job.... I don't have that kind of money.
But most importantly, I don't feel I want to give up all I have here and now just so I could go back to the USA to having have to deal with all that. It doesn't seem to worth it.
The dream I used to dream about does not wirh it any more.
Because whatever I have now is just so much better.
This feeling is the best gift I could wish for my 30est birthday, guys. No jocke.
As I wrote this blog (at 8:45am) I've laready got yet anonther messege on my phone. Some one put apples in my door way during the night - I wonder who it could be. It is a tradition to eat apples deeped in honey in Rosh Hashana (new year). How sweet!
Yesterday I was surprised by the city of Rishon with two huge caron boxes of fresh food for the holiday, and than the religious organisation Beit Chabad) did the same too. Now I have more beef, chicken, fish than whatever I can stuck in my freeser. I have so much fresh vegetables and fruits that I've already started ot make large bags and give them to other families who for some reason did not get anything (they are not legal here, or had legal problems of some kind). I have so much of everything I will not have to buy a thing (other than milk maybe) for a while.
It is NOT the same as being on walefare in the USA. It is the way Israel hepls people in need during holiday seasons. During my 6 years in the USA as a single mom, I have never got any help there from any one. If anything else, I had to pay double for everything because I am not a citizen. My son's after school care casts me less than a third of what people usually pay, baceause of my single mother and new immigrant status. In America I used to pay around $100 a week for the same service.
Again, I can see now that even if it was hard for us, I've made the right decision by comming back.
Oh, and Israel is so much closer to Hungary than the US, that after 8 years I could visit my family for the first time. My brother and I talk again, and my father and I... well manage to keep in touch.
I really think that there is a reason my 30est birhtday fell (almost) on Rosh Hashana. It is a turning point for me in every way.
