My PAST
Current mood: blank

My sexual secrets.

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I cry to many times  in eternal pain from the guilt of my actions. I feel the deep burning inside eating at my the very essence of my soul.  But, it doesn't stop me from doing it again and having sex with him or from touching myself. I must hate myself to do this to myself and to do this to God or him the man I claim to love.

Temptation always gets the best of me, I was so promiscuous in my past that I would get drunk and sleep with almost any man at the time it was a feeling of being loved, I confused sex and love and would I known the damage I was doing to myself. I may of have avoided all that filth and self disrespect to myself.

Through my years of being a drunk I have put myself in not only emotional danger but physical danger, I can recall a time I went out with a female friend in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Mexico. She disappeared and apparently she left some guy and I had no way to get back. I was drunk my money and bank card were in her vehicle. I had no means of transportation or access to money. Two men in the Marine Corpse had seen I was upset, drunk, and half dressed and offered to give me a ride. I accepted. From what I can remember when I woke up we were parked In a Motel parking lot and they said they got a room and they couldn't drive anymore. I was so drunk I do not think I answered back. I recall showering sitting in the tub and I also recall both men having sex with me, I believe I had tried to fight or at least say no. When I woke there was no one there I was so full of shame and I was ashamed to call it rape, I blamed myself for many years because I could of avoided it all.  This is the consequences of my drinking and not holding myself up to a higher standard. Did it make it right what they did to me? No, it doesn't excuse them for their actions and I had to realize that God will deal with them in time.

After this incident I was so lost, I really didn't love myself at all. I was dropping my draws in each port in many countries, they had all kinds of panty contest and I would usually win 200.00 here or there depending what country I was in. I even did a bachelor party where I stripped for a bunch of men, I was paid very well but what happened after, not all the money in the world could make that feeling go away.

I was at a party where drugs where involved and I had sex for money and that was the last time I went to one of them parties. The images still haunt me today of my past and all the sex, filth, places I shouldn't of been it all consumes a big part of my thoughts. I am disgusted with myself and at the time the guilt didn't stop me from doing it or getting drunk to do it all over again. I was pulled back into it by the people I associated with while I was in the military, the lifestyle that is lived by many. Again, I hated myself.

I hated what men did to me, I hated that I didn't feel loved, I hated that I felt worthless, I hated I that I really didn't have no one I can go to and no one cared. I really felt I wasn't accepted anywhere with anyone. I was running from something and I was also looking for something at the same time. If it makes sense I was running from my life but looking for the love that I was deprived of while growing up. I didn't know what it was like to

hear I love you to know a mothers hug, or to know stability.  I was deprived of a father which I know didn't want no part of me at all.  I now know this, but in the past could not see or think clearly. The devil had such a strong hold on me back then.

Again, none of this hurt, turmoil within stopped me from doing what I did. I can remember after each sexual encounter how the feeling of being loved was gone and an enormous amount of  disgust filled my heart, the guilt and to promise myself I wasn't going to do this no more…. Oppps I lied to myself again.   To be continued…….

The present: Today

I was reading today and I came across this verses: You were taught, with regard to your former life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires, to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  Ephesians: 4:22-24