• GrapeKoolaid said on Jul 31, 2006....

  Dear lady. Please forgive me if I overstep my boundaries, as I am new to Soulcast and have yet to be taught proper netiquette. I was just browsing through some of the blogs and when I read your post, my heart ached at the thought of your situation, especially because there are children involved. The thing about "Comfort" is, while it's safe and stable, it lacks excitement. I was quite familiar with this concept of "comfort", as I've been in a steady relationship for about 6 years now. It took me a while(and a near break-up) to realize how special my lady actually is. Much like the thrillseekers who defy death to feel alive, the crisis in my relationship made me realize just how fortunate I was. If it is in your interest to make this current marriage work, I think an honest discussion with your husband is in order. Sometimes you have to hit us men over the head with a sledgehammer to get the point across. When he realizes that you are truly dissatisfied, I believe his behavior will change to accomodate you more. Lastly, if you were to start something else with your Online Beau, how long do you think, before either of you get comfortable and end up in this funk again? For your consideration, Best Regards, Grape Kool-aid.

• glossylips said on Jul 31, 2006....

  Grape Kool-Aid, I do appreciate the comment. It definitely gives me some brain candy to chew on. And, the 'lastly' part, absolutely true!!! I think in retrospect, the 'funk' is a normal thing in any marriage, or relationship....it's just how we choose to get out of that 'funk' that is the challenge.

• GrapeKoolaid said on Jul 31, 2006....

  Indeed it is. It's not the situation, but how we choose to react to these situations that denotes the quality of the person. One more thing I would like to add(maybe something you should bring up to your husband as well), is the fact that no woman should be treated like a piece of furniture. Now, I'm not one of those hopeless romantics that believe that women should be worshipped at the pedestal and handled with kid gloves, but I believe do that women should be treated with respect befitting your equal partnership. You are the queen of the castle, after all. Warmest regards, Grape.

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 04, 2006....

  Glossy, I feel like the couch too. It's being taking for granted. I get told that I'm "good to come home to" even when that is long past dark and I'm long past being my best human being. I understand exactly how you feel. I see nothing wrong with wanting more passion in your life. If you need it, you need it. I know I do. I have an online lover too. It is a REAL realtionship. I know you understand that. I don't judge you. You have a terrible empty void to fill. Your husband needs to open his eyes or risk losing you. Have you ever heard the song, "He Thinks He'll Keep Her" by Mary Chapin Carpenter? It's worth a listen. You aren't alone in your plight. I don't have children, but I'm right there in the trenches with you. I'm sure others are too. I saw a chair in a catalog that looks like a sexy high heel leapard pump. I want to be that piece of furniture! I want to be his conversation piece! Sounds like you do too.

• pinkjellybeans said on Aug 07, 2006....

  I became the couch after only four years. I stepped away from my marriage because - like you - I wanted more. I cannot be that proverbial couch. I love my husband. I do. I love him in a couch kind of way, too! But I want more. I want to meet someone who is like the deluxe coffee machine you can never quite get enough of. And I also want to be a coffee machine. Couches are comfortable and, at some point, we need to sit down, relax and be content. Other times, we need to be energised and reinvented - like the after-effects of an espresso. You aren't selfish - you're human and a woman, and being a woman is a huge part of this. It seems men are happy to be just content and plod-on whereas women need passion and life. I don't know what to say.... but there are other couches out there, like you. Smile...at least we're good quality!

• purple said on Aug 12, 2006....

  Just a thought: The man at home who treats us like a couch is often the same hot loveable romantic hunk of man some other woman in cyberspace met on line and can't wait to be with. It is easy to be charming and romantic and passionate on line, all the while being predictable and boring and out of shape and disconnected at home. We don't see our online lovers carrying out the trash, fixing the lawnmower, arguing about taxes or yelling at the kids.

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 12, 2006....

  Purple, That is true. Online lovers aren't actually there in the same space with you. However, and I can only speak for myself, my husband's mind is never with me even if his body is. That is the deepest root of my lonliness. CW

• tonka said on Aug 12, 2006....

  Ladies, do you really think men take you for a couch? Sometimes yes. But at other times, the ladies might be the cause. Please, for the sake of this discourse, see what some men said in relation to why the lady in the house becomes the couch in my piece on "Why Do Men Cheat On Their Wives?" Perhaps after reading that piece our perception about a lot of things in relationships may change. I believe, this is girls talk, but let's hear it too from the boysangle. Read andf let me know how you feel. Cheers to all who think they are one abandoned couch in the house! You are a couch because you think you are! To make the relationship work you must have a revolution of character>

• secretlife said on Aug 13, 2006....

  I hate to say it, but I'm a couch too. 22 years of marriage....but I was a couch after 5. CreativeWoman hit the nail on the head when she says it's about being taken for granted. Purple I'm laughing because I was trying to imagine my husband as an online 'hunk'....it ain't happening. But I agree with your point, the grass isn't always greener....

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 14, 2006....

  Tonka, I agree that relationships are a two way street. Each one has it's own dynamic. I know that I am not perfect in my relationship. I do try to communicate with my husband. There just seems to be a barrier I can't cross. I have become comfortable to him, like a couch. It's always there when you want it. Being at his beck and call has been my own fault. As I said before, I feel taken for granted. I almost wish he would find someone else. I could leave without feeling like I was hurting him. CW

• tonka said on Aug 14, 2006....

  CreativeWoman, would you be angry with me if I say the barrier is you? Please, don't get me wrong. Yes, you are what you reflect on the mirror of life. Let me quickly tell you the old story of a man and his son who went sightseeing at a mountain range. While at the foot of the mountain, the boy said,"Arrghh!" and he heard a voice from the distance repeat "Arrghh!" Surprised the boy said, "You are stupid!" and he heard same voice reply,"You are stupid!" "Dad, what's that?"' he asked. So the father instructed him to say, "You are good!"' He did, and got the same feedback, "You are good!" Still, he didn'y get the drift. So his father explained to him, "That's what they call an echo. It gives you back what you give to it." What's the significance of this story? Go back to when you were courting. There was harmony between you and your husband. At which point did you lose that harmony? What led to it? Now, the most important aspect, are you always seeing his faults? What about yours? Have you learned to compromise? Love or relationships are all about compromise; not seeing only your lover's faults but his good side.

• secretlife said on Aug 14, 2006....

  If only it were so simple.

• dubiousjayhawk said on Aug 14, 2006....

  Oh wow, I dont think you can compare an echo in canyons to a man. That's even more far fetched then being a couch!! In my case, I'm not the couch... H is mine.

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 15, 2006....

  Tonka, As I said, I am not perfect. I think part of the problem is that I have given him too much freedom to chase his wants/dreams. Somewhere in the process, I've gotten left out. Is that my own fault? Maybe partially, but not entirely. I have been all about compromise and trying to change to fit into his life. None of it has worked because he can't cut the umbilical cord from his family to put it bluntly. Blame me if you like. But, he makes his own choices as to how he spends his time knowing that I am at home waiting for him.

• tonka said on Aug 16, 2006....

  I'm not blaming per se. We are all interested in how you can solve the puzzle between you and your husband who treats you like a couch, to borrow your cliche. Let's try something else. My mother once told me that you can get the right answer by asking the wrong question. So why don't you apply that on him? Ask him all the darn questions, and expect all the right answers to your predicament. What do you think?

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 16, 2006....

  Tonka, That's a good idea. I have tried it. The problem is that my husband finds humor in everything I say. He laughs when I'm trying to have a very serious conversation. It's so juvenile and so frustrating. I do appreciate your suggestions. I do try a lot of what people suggest for me. Nothing has worked very well so far. CW

• mysterious said on Aug 18, 2006....

  I agree with tonka about "To make the relationship work you must have a revolution of character" and "Love or relationships are all about compromise; not seeing only your lover's faults but his good side." Unless you're trapped in an abusive relationship, give it your best shot to make it work. Now, if it's about falling out of love...do you no longer love your husband? Rekindle the fire :-)

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 18, 2006....

  A relationship needs two people to work on it. I can't make my husband devote his time to it. I have given all I can give. There comes a time when too much compromise leaves you as a doormat. He is a good person. But, I can't tell you the last time he did something to make me feel special. Maybe I am falling out of love. I'm starting to feel dead inside. CW

• Riverwalker said on Sep 01, 2006....

  You must come to grips with this ' feeling ' that's in your heart. Don't think about what you're feeling or how bad the situation is at the moment. What is it that you really want?
  If you're ready to give up then stop, take a deep breath, and think about what you want. I used to think that marriage was bliss and wanted life to be perfect. It didn't work out that way. The ' honeymoon ' was over sooner than I wanted and we both were hardheaded. I know I'm not the perfect husband (nor do I want to be I think, too hard to be perfect) but she's not the perfect wife either. We both went to counseling and even though that wasn't a total sucess it was a sucess in that we both took a step back and we're trying to improve the situation. Just by holding hands and communicating more (meaningfully) than before makes the day better.... communicate, do things (together), get that mystery going again. It may not be easy and you'll have to do some inner searching and changing but it's there for you if you want it. Go for it Girl.....
  Good Luck and get some of that....mystery....back into your life....
  

• drashok said on Mar 28, 2007....

  
  Whether you are a lady or posing as a lady this feeling is shared by many a women.
  I am a guy sharing the intimate feelings shared with me.
  She is a sexual being too.
  Why do we forget this?
  I got to read Love Sutras at
  www.mysexdoctor.com
  that I find not totally but greatly can be useful to keep the flame of sex ignited and intoxicated.
  drashok
  

• drashok said on Mar 28, 2007....

  
  Whether you are a lady or posing as a lady this feeling is shared by many a women.
  I am a guy sharing the intimate feelings shared with me.
  She is a sexual being too.
  Why do we forget this?
  I got to read Love Sutras at
  www.mysexdoctor.com
  that I find not totally but greatly can be useful to keep the flame of sex ignited and intoxicated.
  drashok
  

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