Ideas for more meaningful awards.  Greatest scientist of all time.  Nominees.  Albert Einstein for discovering that everything is relative.  Isaac Newton for discovering why we shouldn't sit under apple trees.  Olivia Roundabout for discovering the wheel.  Bernie Pyromania for harnessing fire.  Humphrey Humphrey for discovering sex.

Greatest president of all time.  Nominees.  George Washington for quitting after 8 years.  John Adams for defending the British at the Boston Massacre trial.  Abe Lincoln for kicking the south's ass so bad that they had to free their slaves.  U.S. Grant for being buried in Grant's tomb.  Teddy Roosevelt for being the only president in history besides Lincoln to protect the working people from the rich and powerful.

Greatest artist of all time.  Renoir for painting such pretty and colorful pictures.  Picasso for painting while drunk as a skunk, apparently.  Gauguin for painting topless girls holding melons under their breasts.  Van Gogh for painting swirls that make you feel the whole world is nuts.  Rembrandt for using all those dark colors.