We met and he seemed nice. Nice looking, kind.....we chatted over coffee. I noticed he did do a lot of talking about himself....very few questions about me. I chalked it up to nerves. He asked if I wanted to take a drive to a nearby lake. I said ok......we walked to his car and once inside he handed me a bouquet of roses. Very sweet, I thought.
We sat on a bench and talked some more....found we had a lot of similar interests. He asked me if I would like to go on a real date the following night. I figured what the heck. So we set it up.
I found that he lives just around the corner from me. He asked me to meet him at his home as he wanted to show me his gardens. I agreed......(Now don't go get all nervous on me...I felt safe and had my car, my cell phone and my girlfriend knew exactly where I was.)
So....I arrived at his home at 6. He met me outside. He looked very nice. And his grounds were beautifully manicured. Gardens everywhere. He asked me to come inside.....and that is when everything began to go downhill. He said don't mind the mess, I am in between cleaning ladies. I looked around and wanted to say ....and the last cleaning lady was here when? 2005? The place was not messy, it was filthy.
He asked if I would like a drink....I said yes, so he poured me a glass of wine. Well, the bottle had been opened and when I took a sip, I almost spit it out. I think it was bad. It tasted horrible.
He asked if I would like a tour of his property. We went outside and he began to show me around. He is truly a talented landscaper. He began naming the plants, and telling me the reason he choose them and where he got them and how much they cost. This was all fine and good....but we had three acres to cover. As we walked I watered the plants with my wine.....laughing inside each time I spilled a little. We did this for 30 minutes.....and it was hot out....I was not dressed for a freakin hike. He named every bush, tree, flower, weed in his yard. He showed me his mulch pile, rock pile and wood pile. But he saved the best for last.
He owns a pool company. His office is on site....so he showed me his office. He showed me pool supplies, cleanign devices, switches gone bad, chemicals he bought in bulk and sold off for a profit. The best was when he showed me a pool heater and began to describe in detail how it worked. I just looked at him and wanted to say...really...you really think I give a fuck about how a pool heater works.
Then we went by his hot tub.....and he said this is where I hope we end the evening. I just looked at him and said, I didn't bring a bathing suit. He said that wouldn't be a problem.
We went back inside and he offered me more wine. ( I had successfully emptied my glass through out the garden tour. ) I politely declined. He then asked if I wanted to play foos ball. Yes, you read that right....foos ball. Oh the night was getting better.
We played.....I gave him a run for his money.....and then said ok...I am done....I am too hot. He came over to me, pulled me close and said...yes you are hot. I thought oh brother.....this is so not working for me.
We then went out for dinner......on the way he pointed out all the pools in the area. Seriously.....he would say there's a pool, oh there's another pool......I asked if he installed them. He said no...he was just pointing them out. Are you kidding me?????? It was so hard not to laugh...I kept thinking of my sisters and how they would die when I told them this story.
Dinner wasn't bad.....we went to a casual place, had sandwiches and a real glass of wine. Watched the phillies game and talked some more. The problem here was, he began repeating everything he had already told me about him....and never once asked a question about me.
We got out to the parking lot after dinner and he pulled me close and began kissing me.
Now....you know...a lot can be said with a kiss......and this one screamed......ewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
It just wasnt' happeneing for me. The ride home was a bit awkward. We got to his home and he asked if i wanted to come in and get high. I told him, I thought I would pass, but thank you for dinner and the tour of his lovely home.
I couldn't get out of there fast enough and called my girlfriend on the way home.....yelling about the date. She was practically crying from laughing.....I kept saying....did I really need to know the name of every single plant in his yard....did I really need to know how a freakin water heater works....did he really think I would go skinny dipping in his hot tub on the first date.
The next day, I wrote him a polite thank you but did not foresee a future with us and I wished him the best. He wrote a few days later asking if we could still be friends.
I am thinkin....nahhhhhhh!
