Monday morning I got a call from my step-brother. Basically he told me that his dad, my step-father has been hospitalized with some unknown gastro-intestinal problems. That means that my mother, at 93 years old, is in her home alone. The Homecare nurses told him that when both mom and her husband are home they are relatively safe in that they look out for each other but neither should be alone. Homecare nurses check on them two to three times daily and neighbors come and go frequently. Still, either of them is subject to falling and in the fairly recent past they have both had falls that caused damaged.
Step-bro added that Homecare has decreed mom needs 24/7 care. He and his two brothers, with their wives and children, live 20 some miles from Flake and because of work etc are unable to care for mom. I do understand that she is MY mom not theirs and I sense that they are not willing to put themselves out to help her even though she has treated them as if they were her own children and grandchildren for the past 25 years. Fair enough. Its left to me to solve the situation.
My home is a four hour drive from moms and I do have two live in clients for whom I m responsible. Dropping everything and rushing out to Flake isnt the easiest thing. Sometimes though, there seem to be the right set of circumstances. About 2 hours before I got the call a friend arrived for a five day visit. When he heard the my dilemna he stepped up to the plate and offered to stay with my clients while I went to the rescue. Arranging for back up for him and getting the routines laid out only took a couple hours. Fortunately it all seemed to fall into place. The agency that employs me views this as a critical situation and is very helpful in offering assistance for such circumstances so that all worked out reasonably well. The stipulation was that I would have to have my cell phone wiht me at all times so that I could respond and deal with any possible events by phone. That shouldnt be to much of a problem.
About twenty minutes after I leave the city my cell phone rings. Its mother. She wants to know what time I ll get to Flake because she is going to bingo and wont be home until late! WTF! She assures me she ll be fine. A neighbor is going to drive her to bingo in the town hall and she will be perfectly fine according to her. I rationalize that it is probably safest for her to be at bingo with people around rather than being in her house alone so maybe its a good thing. I do find it a bit amusing. Bingo is the panacea for any of lifes trials for my mom. I love the bumper sticker 'Support Bingo! Keep granny off the streets!'
The drive to Flake is tedious. Four hours to contemplate and plan strategies for the next few days was beneficial. The last half of the journey is always a trip to memory lane for me. This is my home. The small hamlets and the farms along the way are all places that hold great familiarity to me. There is a sense of sadness to seeing the changes that have developed over the years. The crumbling buildings and the dying towns make me melancholy. Inevitably my thoughts move to reminiscing about my childhood, the family, the friends, the events that contribute to my own history become alive once again.
As I drive into Flake around 9:30 pm there are still cars and trucks at the hall so I know bingo is still going strong. If I wanted I could drop in at bingo and see people I ve known all my life but I know that it would make a stir and disrupt the all important game. I choose instead to go directly to moms house. I know where the key is hidden, let myself in and put away the groceries I ve brought with me. I make myself a cup of tea and page through the local paper thats laying on the kitchen table. It doesnt take long to read every word in a two page paper. I step outside for a smoke and notice that cars are moving so I know bingo is over.
Shortly a car pulls up. Moms neighbor Fred helps her out while steadying her walker for her. She talks animatedly while she greets me. I notice how frail she is, how much she has faded in the few weeks since I last saw her but I also notice the strength and determination in her voice. I know that we re in for some heated debate as soon as Fred leaves. Once inside mom decides she ll have a cup of tea with me. She is a fiddler, a fusser and a bit compulsive. I smile paitently as she gets her own tea cup, sets it on the table, moves it slightly to a more precise spot, returns to the cabinet to get a napkin, relocates her tea cup, returns to the cabinet to get a spoon, relocates her tea cup, etc for the next 20 minutes. I know the motions all indicate mom is something she wants to talk about. The fussing indicates that she is about to address whats on her mind.
She begins by telling me how glad she is that I came. Next she tells me the incidents surrounding her husbands trip to the hospital. Then comes the issue she has most importantly in mind. I m informed that she doesnt care what the Homecare nurses say she is just fine on her own. I agree with her completely. I know better than to argue with her. I choose instead to tell her the latest events with my children and grandchildren. I m really trying to distract her. The Homecare nurse phones just to be sure I ve gotten there and tells me she ll pop by in the morning. Eventually mom stops fussing and settles down to go to bed.
I ve assessed the stituation and can clearly see how fragile she is. Her steps are hesitant, her strength is low and she has some obvious memory lapses. Nothing alarming but still its very clear that her safety is at threat if she stays alone. I know that she is not going to be happy about going into respite care even for a few days but there really are no alternatives. I begin to brace myself for the battle that the next day will bring.
In the morning I wake early, make some coffee and go outside to enjoy a smoke. Flake is just awakening. I hear the distant sounds of harvest begining. A friendly dog comes by to check me out and allows me to stroke his head for a moment. I hear an arguement going on a couple houses away. The stillness is replaced by small town bustle. I appreciate the lack of city noise and smile with amusement at the ways of country life. When I go back in mom is up and moving about in her housecoat. She puts the kettle on the stove. While it heats she trundles off to wash up and get dressed for the day. I ve brought some treats, a lovely black forest bacon, some cheese that I know mom will appreciate and a loaf of fresh homemade bread for toast. By the time I ve got breakfast ready mom manages to get to the table but not before instructing me that the bacon needs to cook longer, the coffee shouldnt be so strong and the toast is not buttered all the way to the edges. She takes over and completes the job to her satisfaction. She diddles about eating breakfast. I ve long finished and she still is just getting started. Breakfast takes a little more than two hours! I m allowed to do the dishes but only with specific instructions as to the manner in which that task is completed. Have I ever mentioned that mom just might have some control issues?
The Homecare nurse arrives and the discussion begins. Mom is adamant that she is safe alone. She assures us she always uses her walker (I havent seen her touch it inside the house). She talks about everyone that comes to see her. She tells us repeatedly that there is nothing to worry about. She demonstrates how self sufficient she is by confusing her medications! We press. We remind her about the times she has fallen, the time that she laid on the floor with a broken hip for four hours before anyone found her, the time she spilled boiling water and scalded herself. These are passed off with 'Oh poof!' Three hours of debate ensue. I m amazed at the patience and persistance of the Homecare nurse. We struggle on. There is denial, there are tears, therrrre is anger. Finally mom agrees she will go and look at the respite home that afternoon.
My emotions are all over the place. I know the terror she must feel at losing her independence. The loss she must feel when others are telling her what she MUST do. I know that her desire is to be alone and I know that she doesnt want to acknowledge her own frailty. I m sad and yet I m resolved to protect her from herself. I want her to understand that we are trying to help her and keep her safe because we love her.
All of Tuesday is consumed with challenges. She is contemplating going but she is throwing up every possible barrier. She insists that I phone everyone she can think of to see if there is anyone who will come and stay with her. I m frustrated with having to phone neighbors to make such requests and I m apologetic, although embarassed. Its pretty obvious that there just isnt anyone available. Late in the afternoon we drive to the care facility. I can read that mom is measuring everything. I can see that its a benefit that she knows some of the thirty residents. She also knows some of the staff. She chats everyone up but I cna read that she is preparing her defense. The Homecare nurse meets us there and briefs the staff on the situation while showing us the room that is available. Mom sniffs in disdain but does at least view and ask a few questions. The nurse tells me she must know for sure if mom will come to the facility as there are others wanting the room. She gives us two hours to make the committment.
We drive back to Flake. I listen to mom as she methodically lists all the reasons she should stay at home. Give her credit she is still perfectly alert and capable of defending her stance. After we get back we chat some more. She finally gives in with a sigh and says ok she will go but she sure doesnt want to. I call the nurse and tell her of the decision. She gives us a check in time of 3 pm the next day.
Wednesday mom begins her preparations. It takes us from 8 am to 3 pm to get her things ready. All the while she tells me it doesnt matter if we re a little bit late. I know she is delaying as long as possible. Finally at 4 she is willing to set out. Its only a 20 minute drive but when we get there she wants to go to some of the stores in town to pick up a few things. Grrrr. Finally at 10 minutes to 5 she gives up and tells me we can go to the facility. She is just in time for supper. I make sure she is comfortable and settled before I head back to the city. When I get home four hours later I call. The attending nurse tells me she is fine and lets me talk to her for a few minutes. Mom sounds content. The supper was good. She visited with long time friends. She is tired and ready for bed. She is worried about her husband. Its been four days and we have no word on his progress.
In the morning I make some calls to see how he is doing. Tests have been done. Results are inconclusive. A colonoscopy is scheduled for today. I call the care facility and am informed mom has had a good night and she is up chatting to staff and friends. The nurse laughs at me because I ask to speak to Mrs. Stubborn. Mom is cheerful on the phone. She is disappointed that we have no news about her husband but she says she is quite happy in the facility and will be fine until Monday morning. Her stay must end then. The facility only has the room available till Monday. We have to find a different solution after that.
The options are limited. I can bring her to my home. The disadvantage is that my house is a two story and she cannot climb stairs to a bedroom plus she would find the bustle of my home rather unnerving. There are no facilities within 100 miles of Flake that have a vacancy and the waiting lists are huge. There doesnt seem to be a caregiver available to live with her. Homecare is over taxed and is unable to provide the intensity of service that she will need. She hates the thought of being brought to a facility in the city. We dont know if or when her husband will come home. We do know that he wont be able to help her even if he can come home. He ll need the same level of care she needs. We fear we may have to have them both declared incompetent to look after their own safety in order to protect them from themselves.
Thus explains my absence for the past few days.
botoni posted on Aug 24, 2007
| views: 553
Comments
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JLLnLLH said on Aug 24, 2007....
The most important thing is letting your mother live out the rest of her life happy. There may be an option of getting her and her husband together in a facility since they both need so much care. It's important to talk to them and see what they want. I know it is an inconvience on your life the longer it takes, but she only has a few years left, don't let them be miserable ones! -
uniquely-ironic said on Aug 24, 2007....
Wow, what an ordeal. I'm not sure how anyone does this. I wonder if I'll be like that with my kids and make them go through that when I am old. -
MissMimi said on Aug 24, 2007....
{{{{{{Botty baby}}}}}}}
I empathize and sympathize. I see it from both sides of the fence, Botty. I agree with you that it sounds like she shouldn't be living alone, especially when her husband gets out of the hospital. At the same time, I thoroughly understand why she's so adamant that she can take care of herself. It's scary to realize that bit by bit, your independence is slipping away. I know how that feels. Please give Botty'smom a hug from me. She sounds like a very cool lady.
Well, of course she is-- she's your mom after all. :)
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Artemis223 said on Aug 24, 2007....
Oh Botoni! What a frustrating and emotional set of circumstances for everyone involved. I am sure you are worried about your mom, but I also hope you will find a small amount of time to fortify yourself. It sure sounds like you have had a lot to deal with - I will be thinking of you and keeping you and your family in my prayers - A. -
secretlife said on Aug 24, 2007....
wow.
how hard life can be!
i dunno botoni- we say we want to live to be 100, but sometimes the reality of living that long isn't so wonderful.
i'm thinking of you and of your mom and your stepdad-
i know the difficult decisions you are facing....
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mobil said on Aug 24, 2007....
This single thing, not being able to care for yourself when you've lived a full and rich life. It seems like God made a mistake in how this is set up Botoni. I know God doesn't make mistakes, yet is so hard. Hard for them and for us.We sat at their knee just a few years ago, our situation now isn't condusive to their's. It's an awful way to finish things here. Yet I have no solution either. My Mom and sister are facing similar problems now. All my best to you and your Mom Botoni. -
evil_twin said on Aug 24, 2007....
This must be really hard for you and your mom. I'm sure it's hard for you to see her like that, and even harder for her to accept that she needs helps these days. But she sounds like she's in pretty good shape for a 93 year old! I hope you can figure out a good solution that works for everyone. And I hope your stepfather recovers quickly. Maybe they'll end up back at their house again together eventually? I hope so.
-evil_twin LA
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pickersplock said on Aug 24, 2007....
Botoni, you are a great son and I loved your post.I know whatever you decide she will be well taken care of andI'm glad to see she's still full of spunk! -
Eilan said on Aug 24, 2007....
We're going through something similar with my grandmother, who's 85, right now. It's sad and frustrating. -
Mamie said on Aug 24, 2007....
hey Bot, thanks for sharing that story of your mom. I was enthralled because I guess I am entering into that situation one way or another with our parents and it seems so...hard. I wish you well and I hope your step dad is doing better...love, Mamie -
silverwhisper said on Aug 25, 2007....
botoni, i've been wondering why the disappearing act, and am sorry to learn of your mother's and step-father's poor health.
i'll confess to finding your step-siblings' unwillingness to be at all helpful more than a bit disappointing, but i do like that bumpersticker. :>
i wish i knew something helpful to say but i'm afraid i haven't the foggiest idea other than that's a hard, hard thing and i admire that you went back out to flake to stay with her for the week.
ed -
hotaka said on Aug 25, 2007....
Hey Botman, what a read. I can sympathise with both you and your mother. I would be frustrated about losing my independence too but I can also understand you want to make sure she doesn't have any avoidable mishaps. I also sympathise with you because my parents are getting up there and though my mom is healthy she is not as swift to move as she used to be and my dad still has fire but he has been in and out of hospital for a number of minor operations and it seems the old tank is getting rusty. I am more than four hours away from BC as you know and I am sure the day I have to move back permanently in order to care for them is coming within the next few years. Well, you mother is fortunate to have such a caring and loving son. I hope things with your dad turn out okay too. -
fearing said on Aug 25, 2007....
Bottie - I'm so sorry. I understand what a hard time you are having with this and I understand your mom too. We had to put my grandma in a home last summer after she fell and broke her leg. It was tough for everyone - especially grandma. My heart goes out to you. -
dailyachesandpains said on Aug 25, 2007....
Bottoms: WHOA! That's a lot, and a lot of stress!You gave me flash-backs about my Grandmother and the bingo thing. She was yelled at by her home care nurse because she went to bingo when she was supposed to be home for the nurse.They don't want to give up their "Freedom" and have to be told how to do things and when to do it. It's not just your mom that's stubborn, they all are when they're up there in age.Can you kindly ask your step-siblings to check on her more often? Remind them in a nice way of how lucky they were to have her as a mother and not a step-monster and to think of what the 'right' thing to do would be? I'm guessing if it were their father in the position that your mother is in that they would ask you if you could help. I know, it's tough...a no win situation. At least you can try and you're doing everything you can.I'm sure when Lobstah gets there, he'll have all the answers for you. Just trying to give you a smile there!{{{HUGS}}}Daily -
botoni said on Aug 25, 2007....
JLL......The ideal situation would be a supervised living apartment for them. The drawbacks are that they want to remain close to where their present home is and there just are no vacancies within 100 miles. They both detest living in the city so bringing them here is almost imposible. We all want them to be happy but their safety is important as well.
UNIQUE.....My kids have already informed me I should be paying attention to how this affects me so I wont be rough on them when its their turn. I ve clued them up to the fact that I m just taking lessons from mom......hehehe
MISSMIMI......I knew you would understand from both sides. You re damn tootin' mom is a firecracker in her own way. Hugs for her and a remote one for you.
ARTE....You re right in that everyones emotions are all over the place. I m being very careful to look after me. Venting here is a wonderful help too.
SECRET....I m thinking 100 isnt one of my goals at the moment. On the other hand mom has had a very healthy life and all things considered she is still pretty spry for her age.
MOBIL.......Its a little bit like watching a windup toy as it starts to run down. Everything becomes slower. An upside is that mom has pretty good memory retention and she is quick as can be. She went with me into a drugstore and while I was waiting for a prescription she went to the perfume. Just like a teenager she sampled several. When we got back in the van I said 'Mom, you smell terrible!' Said of course with a smile and a teasing look. She didnt miss a beat to come back with 'Well your cigarettes stink too!'.....She s still pretty sharp witted.
EVIL.....It seems very much like a role reversal. Not many years ago she was taking care of me. Now its my turn. It would be great if they could return to their house but there are many drawbacks to it. They have to drive 15 miles to get groceries. There isnt even a loaf of bread or milk available locally. Mom gave up her drivers license this year. (Imagine driving till that age!). Her husband really shouldnt be driving. There are lots of circumstances that indicate they would be much more comfortable and safe with at least some consistent supervision. Being able to remain together is a goal that we are all hoping will be accomplished.
PICKERS........Trust me the decisions are still theirs! My step-bros and I are trying to help them think through to a wise goal but they are competent enough to make their choices. Thanks for the sweet comment.
EILAN.....How true! Hope it goes well your end.
MAMIE.......I hope your situation goes smoothly too. I m sure in ten years or so I ll look back on all this and see more humor in it than I do right now.
SILVER.....The relationship between me, the step-dad, and the step-bros has never been great. That fact makes it more difficult. At the present time we are all co-operating even though they leave anything relating to mom to me. That isnt all bad but it would be nice if they could kick in a bit.
HOTAKA......Your distance from Canada would certainly complicate any need to rush home. I d feel sad for you if you come to a place where you have to return here to care for your parents. I know how you love your life there. Am I correct to assume you have no siblings? On the upside you might enjoy some of the beauties of your native land once again. Nothing quite meets the beauty of Canadas west coast.
FEARING.....Its a tough call. I keep having to remind myself that safety is above independence. Is she happy in the home?
DAILY.....Homecare nurses should know that Bingo takes priority! LOL! I m viewing the step-sib thing as a bit of a blessing in a sense. At least they arent underfoot and undermining. Think I should take Lobstah for a visit to Flake? Would he behave and not be jumping the Cereal boxes?
TO ALL.........Mom and I have had daily phone calls since I came home. She tells me she likes it in the home, the food is good and there are lots of people she knows. She says she always has someone to talk to and a partner for card games. I m wondering if she isnt going to put up a fuss when she is able to return to her house....LOL. -
dailyachesandpains said on Aug 25, 2007....
Bot: I'm glad to hear that she really likes it there, but worry for you too when she has to leave. It's good that there are people there that she knows...not from the hotel days, I hope ;-)Lobstah will love Flake. I'm sure that the old timers will love Lobstah! You must take photos of him in Flake, kind of like that "Where's Wally" thing that people do.{{{HUGS}}}Daily -
botoni said on Aug 25, 2007....
LOL Daily. When I was in Flake I kept thinking I should have taken my camera. Everywhere I looked there were little sights that I m sure you would love. When I go back out in a few days the camera is definately going with me. I doubt that Lobstah will be here yet when I go so we ll save his trip for the next time. -
dailyachesandpains said on Aug 25, 2007....
YAY! I'm so glad you'll be taking pictures. You do know how badly I want to move to Flake! I hope you do. I'd take care of her if I moved there. She may make my aches and pains go away. I just love old people. You look into their eyes and see a different time, when things were simple. -
fearing said on Aug 25, 2007....
Bot - I'm sorry to say she passed away in January. After entering the home she went downhill very quickly. The home was not a good place. It was the newest in town. Looked nice and clean and the people were nice. They were always nice to grandma - even adored her but they did NOT take care of her. They were awful. We filed complaints, we met with the management, we threw fits, we called every agency possible and it didn't do anything. We also were there every single day. And most days she had anywhere from 2 - 4 visitors because different people would pop in to see her. I can't imagine if they knew we would be there all the time why they still would take care of her properly. Imagine the poor people that no one checked on.
In the end, they had grandma on too many drugs and overdosing her, she was on a diuretic (sp?) and they would move her water pitcher across the room so she couldn't get it. Why? Because they wouldn't change her and keep her dry. If they kept the water away from her, she didn't use the bathroom as often. She became seriously dehydrated, got a very dangerous kidney infection and ended up in the hospital with her organs failing.
I'm sorry to tell you all that with facing the option of where to place your mother. I did want to tell you to be careful. I know your job is the care of others and you will be watchful. My grandma lived to be 92 years old. She outlived her husband, most of her siblings, 6 of her children and even a couple of grandchildren. She was a good woman and very loved. She was a quiet soul with twinkling blue eyes, a good sense of humor, and she loved me. She didn't offer advice or get involved in other's business unless asked. She didn't talk about people and she practiced what she believed. She also sang in the choir until she broke her leg and she is the one who taught me how to crochet when I was little. Of all the grandchildren, I was the closest to her. I knew her well and don't regret my relationship with her or her death. She was ready to go when she did.
Bot - I wish you and your mom the best and I will be thinking of you and praying for you both.
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skald said on Aug 26, 2007....
Botoni, This is really tough. I know. And the situation seems to be the same all over. I hope this will all come to a good end. -
botoni said on Aug 26, 2007....
FEARING.....I m so sorry that your grandmother was so badly treated. There have been similiar situations here too. I find it highly irritating. One of the advantages to mom being in this particular care center is that is a very small community. Everyone knows everyone. The staff are taking care of people who they have mostly know all their lives and very likely are even caring for some of their own family members. It makes a huge difference in how the staff treat residents. Thanks for sharing.
SKALD.....Thanks for coming in....we ll all get these things eventually. I think of you very often when we are dealing with things for mom and wonder how you are doing. I was glad to hear that your mom is going into a more efficient care center. -
fearing said on Aug 26, 2007....
Hey Bot - is Flake really the name of the town? I was just wondering. I thought you were being playful/funny when you called it that in the title. -
botoni said on Aug 26, 2007....
FEARING.......Flake is a fake name. When I first began blogging I wa concerned about identity and annonynimity so I created a name for my home town. Daily almost drove herself crazy trying to figure out where Flake was from the clues I left in my blog. She did such a wonderful job of searching and came so close that I finally revealed the real name. If you re curious it is Cereal. -
Ceinna said on Aug 26, 2007....
botoni - I really feel for ya. Both my husband and I are getting very close to making some of these tough decisions about our own parents. And I can't help thinking sometimes about how my kids will deal with being in the same situation someday. It's hard no matter what - and especially so for you right now. I'm sorry you have to go through this. -
skald said on Aug 26, 2007....
Botoni I really wanted to say so many other things to you but somehow it it so difficult. Thanks for thinking of me. I am thinking of you too. The way you talked about your failing mother. I look at mine and think how small and venerable she is and frail. I really wanted to say so much but I can tell you i think I understand you.Luv -
silverwhisper said on Aug 27, 2007....
i'm sorry to learn that, botoni, although i'll confess i've certainly had my suspicions.
ed -
gentlepie said on Aug 27, 2007....
hi botoni. thanks for sharing the news. i was touched by your entry, as i have written sometime ago that my mom too, is coming to her "fragile" stages. i know the feeling, watching those slow movements executed to do something; something which we easily take for granted just because we are in control and fully capable of doing it in the flick of an eyelid. i admire you for really stickin out for your mom and just bein there when she needs you. lotsa love. gentlepie. -
hotaka said on Aug 27, 2007....
Hey, Botnik. I have a sister but she is in love with a guy who lives in Virginia. I wonder if she will move there?
Yes, the West Coast is gorgeous. When I was back for 15 months I took a few trips out to enjoy the old mountain neighbourhood. But there was still so much left undone, kind of like when I left Japan to go back to Canada.
I hope my parents will hang in there a while. They should still get a couple of decades out of life. All my grandparents passed away from ages 88 to 95.
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