She is holding fast. The boat has settled a little bit, gone from tossing to rocking, and she is trying to ride the waves.
She is not completely better, she doubts she ever will be. But she is finding courage again, something she thought would never return, and it is a miracle in the the full, true sense of the word.
She defends herself against her own mind, a crueler enemy than any person could be. It whispers to her, but she talks back and sometimes it slinks away, pouting. She counts these victories as momentous. No one will ever know that today, she won against her own mind, and she feels as triumphant as William the Conqueror at Hastings.
She shows her triumph to the world in the guise of normalcy. Look at her- she is grocery shopping and she doesn't feel like every single person in the store thinks she is ugly. Look- now she is standing up for herself to her employees, and they back off in the face of her anger. Look- she doesn't wish to be gone from here, at least not all day every day. She faced the void and turned back. Look at her- she had the courage to notice a man noticing her, and to actually look him in the eyes for a moment. Please look and know she is trying and no one knows but you, but somehow it might be enough.
If only she could have the comfort of knowing that voice- her own traitorous mind- won't return.Next time, she might not be able to come out of it. Maybe next time, she won't be strong enough to go to her doctor or therapist. Maybe next time, the pain will become to great and she will find her nothingness which calls to her at these sad, sad times. This terrifies her.
But now, tonight, she can write again. She can think, and she can brag a little, just to you.
